What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why are wooden hard drives so bad?
They're all bark and no byte.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What do you call the worlds smallest violin?
Hard to play.
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
What is the biggest ant in the world?
An elephant.
I replaced all the air vents in my house with smaller ones.
It was a reduction.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams
You’d better be a cardiologist because something about you makes me want to give you my heart.
What should you get Lassie, the star of the hit TV show, for Valentine's Day?
A cauliflower.
Why did the skeleton go to jail?
Because he was bad to the bone.
Are you a locksmith? Because you have the key to my heart.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
Did you hear about the audio drama about peas?
It’s a pod-cast
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
My milk found all these jokes to be pretty fun. He said they were a-moo-sing!
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
What do you get when you cross a parrot and a shark?
A bird that talks your ears off.
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
What did one beached whale say to the other beached whale?
Long time no sea.
I made my mother's French sister angry
Now she's a cross aunt.
Why are leaves always getting into risky business? They keep having to go out on a limb.
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone
Excuse me...Hi, I'm writing an essay on the finer things in life, and I was wondering if I could interview you.
I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic. But thankfully I’m cured.
I’m ex-static!
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What do bats say to vampires?
“You suck!”
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
My dad dumps expired peas down the drain. Then he looks at me and says:
“Hey, I peed in the sink”
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
What is the name of the car that passes through the narrow stream of the river? Fjord.
Why was the tree doctor so good at his job? He could always get to the root of the problem.
The day we met I still remember so clear,
My heartbeat with love as you came near,
Please know that I’m sorry I forgot our anniversary,
But please don’t make me take a test on our love history!
You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
"As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: you can be right or you can be happy."
- Ralphie May
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
You're hotter than a data center!
How do you get a musician off your front porch?
Pay for the pizza.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized I'm in Seine.
"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe
Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.