A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer and the sizzlin' steak platter.
"Here's your steak," the bartender says. "Be careful, that plate is really hot."
"Oh, no worries," the guy replies. "I'm not really attracted to plates."
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
What kind of dishes do skeletons serve tea on?
Bone china.
Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons—balancing them badly.
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman:
"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She thought for a moment and said, "No peer pressure."
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What do you call an edible ion?
An onion
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
How does one raindrop ask another out? Water you doing tonight?
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
I'm not talking to my sister's spoiled daughters.
It's beniece me.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
"Give your relationship attention like you would a plant. You have to water it every day and give it sunshine. So put your man out in the sun and spray him with a hose."
- Whitney Cummings.
What do crocodiles wear to keep their legs dry in the water?
Gaiters.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.
Now I have Heinzsight.
What do you call a gathering of Arthur's Knights?
A Sir conference
Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!
How can you tell if a witch is on a diet?
All her food is potion-controlled.
What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo? Hop on!
I’m o-fish-ally in love with you.
What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.
You run like light. How can I get high-speed access?
How can you tell the difference between a monster and a banana? Try picking it up. If you can't, it's either a monster or a giant banana.
Is there something in your eye? Oh, wait, it's just a sparkle.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs stuffed in your mailbox? Bill.
My dyslexia has reached a new owl.
Werewolves love their fast food.
Want to hear a joke about weather?
Actually, never mind. I'll just save it for a rainy day.
My chickens escaped and over my yard...
I wasn't expecting the coop d'etat.
What has 6 legs, red hair, and flies?
No, seriously. This thing is scaring the heck out me.
You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.
What do you get when you cross an octopus with a turkey?
Finally enough drumsticks for everybody at Thanksgiving. Provided you can catch the darned critter.
Funny chemistry puns always get a good reaction.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
My colleagues took April Fools Day pretty seriously this year.
Over a month and a half of going into the office and they're all still hiding from me.
Who is not hungry at Thanksgiving? The turkey because he's already stuffed!
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
There was an Old Man of the East,
Who gave all his children a feast;
But they all ate so much
And their conduct was such
That it killed that Old Man of the East.
What do you call it when cephalopods start becoming more strict about things?
Kraken down.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's beef.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
You’re more special than relativity.