How does an elf get to Santa's workshop? By icicle.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
College-age vampires only ever shop in one place - Forever 21.
French, French Revolution
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
A recent finding by statisticians found that the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
"The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back"- Franklin P. Jones
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
What did the triangle say to the circle? Your pointless!
What's an albino crow called? A caw-casian.
You know what really bugs me?
Insect puns.
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What’s a potatoes favorite horror movie? The Silence of the Yams.
My mom thinks I'm gay, can you help me prove her wrong?
What do you call a guy that hands out free kebabs to the hungry?
A Döner.
They had us working like dogs at work after a storm
All I did was pick up sticks and bark.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.”
― Charles M. Schulz
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was Thanksgiving Day, and it wanted people to think it was a chicken!
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
What kind of books do owls read?
Hoo-dunnits.
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
What did the horse say when it saw a sheepdog?
“Why is your furlong?”
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
What happens when Bigfoot gets lost in the fog?
He is mist!
What does a bookworm do during a baseball game? Worm the bench.
If you're attacked by a group of clowns...
Go for the juggler.
Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner? I yam what I yam.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Why is Pegasus so smart?
He’s all kno-wing.
The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.
"True love is like ghosts, which everyone talks about and few have seen." — Francois de la Rochefoucauld
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
Why do sharks only swim in salt water?
Because pepper always makes them sneeze.
It’s so cold that even the ATM shows minus.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Why can't a brain be 12 inches long?
Becuase then it would be a foot.
What happens when you marry the best real estate agent in town?
He sells you the engagement ring.
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
How about we get down to monkey business?
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner
A beaver's experience in college deep-ends on if they go to the best university.