What is a flamingo's favorite ride at a theme park? The flamingo-karts.
What’s a hen’s favorite type of movie?
A chick flick.
My Dad drove a truck for 32 years.
He was terrible with directions.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What does a French beaver call his dam? Ma'dame.
I went to a Halloween party wearing a pie shell and carrying a shepherds crook.
"What on earth are you supposed to be?" "I'm a spy" "A spy?. What kinda of spy wears a pie costume and carries a crook?"
A shepherds spy.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
oses are red, violets are blue,
Coffee is bitter, and so are you.
Why don’t ants get sick? Because they have little anty-bodies.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
Why do pandas like old movies?
Because they’re in black and white.
What did the llama say to the grass?
“Nice gnawing you!”
It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
I have a cat
A real fat cat
My cat is all black
My black fat cat
It is a cat with a knack
A true fact about my cat
My fat black cat
She has a knack to catch a rat
My all black cat brought me the rat
This is why my cat is a fat black cat
So rats watch your back
From my cat with the knack
Or you will become a snack for my fat black cat
(Colleen Laforme)
“Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” – Sam Ewing
Why does everyone invite ice cream to the party?
It’s cool.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Rita Rudner
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
Do you happen to know sign language? Because this is the last time you’ll hear from me.
People with a cold - "I just want to stay in bed and do nothing, I feel terrible."
People with Corona Virus - "I feel terrible, I think I will go skiing in Austria, visit the Eiffel Tower and maybe do some white water rafting in Camino de Santiago."
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Did you know there are exactly 239 beans in Irish stew?
Any more and it would be two farty...
Are you a human? Just making sure.
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
What do you call a worm that chews up power cords? An electro-maggot.”
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!
I only wanted a week's supply of sweets instead I got a lifetime supply because I got you.
After a long March, April always puts a little spring in my step.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
How do you know you’re in love with a flower?
Not a daisy goes by where you don’t think of them.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why are dogwood trees amazing pets? They have a great bark and a wooden bite.
What do you call a little monster's parents?
Mummy and Deady.
A mom texts, "Hi! Son, what does IDK, LY, & TTYL mean?" He texts back, "I Don't Know, Love You, & Talk To You Later." The mom texts him, "It's ok, don't worry about it. I'll ask your sister, love you too."
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.
What's a goblins favorite dinner?
Ghoulash.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
You seem to be traveling at the speed of light because time always seems to stop when I look at you.
Did you know you can hear blood flowing close to the skin?
You just have to listen varicosely.
The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.
I’m having a hard time dealing with it.
Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.
What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?
I don't know lettuce sea.
It’s so hot that Tabasco sauce tastes mild.