What do you get when you cross a banker with a fish?
A loan shark
They say that the local baker is the breadwinner of his family. True enough.
Let's Taco about love.
I can’t tell if that was an earthquake or if you just seriously rocked my world.
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Why are some umpires fat?
Because they always clean the plate.
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
Can I bother you for an aspirin tablet? Just looking at you from across the room is giving me heart-related pains.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
What do you call a white skinned gorilla?
Honkey Kong.
Why do oranges wear suntan lotion? They peel in the sun.
What weighs 800 pounds and sticks to the roof of your mouth ? A peanut butter and Stegosaurus sandwich!
How did Pavlov get such great hair?
He conditioned it.
It’s so cold washroom attendants have started putting salt boxes next to the toilets.
Boy: (Mimicking the sound of an ambulance) Girl: Why are you doing that? Boy: It’s the ambulance. The paramedics are coming to pick me up after I saw you, my heart just stopped.
Where's the weak spot on a Scottish goalie? The fief hole.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Bread is like the sun, it rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
I thought swimming with the dolphins was expensive, but swimming with the sharks cost me an arm and a leg!
Where is the first baseball game in the Bible?
In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
Why did the horse cross the road?
To get to the apple store.
When they want to relax, ghosts have a boo-ble bath.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Blackboards love drinking beverages, especially hot white chalk-olate!
“Do you think Abe Lincoln would have declared Thanksgiving a national holiday if he knew it would mean the Lions play every year?” — Conan O’Brien
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
"The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."
- Albert Einstein
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
"If cigarette taxes are meant to discourage smoking, wouldn’t income taxes discourage working?"
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What did the pizza say when it asked the topping out on a date?
I never sausage a beautiful face.
Hypochondriacs aren't OK
Air resistance is a real drag.
Who is Medusa’s cheesy cousin?
Gorgon Zola
Which hard drive is always the happiest?
Disk C:
What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange.
Old Norse cuisine is simply not to my Viking.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
You must be a banana because I find you very a-peeling.
“You are in control. Never allow your Monday to be manic.”
— Andrea L’Artiste
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream?
It was icing on the cake.
“People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools.”
- Alice Walker
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.”—Henny Youngman
I should have dressed up as a ghost tonight so I could let you under my sheets.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.