What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads!
Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!

What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
I be-leaf in you.

“Bring a compass. It’s awkward when you have to eat your friends.”

Why did the blind seal get eaten by the orca?
Because he couldn’t see that whale.

It's not you...it's your taste in music.

You may not sew and you may not crochet,
You may not bake macaroons every day,
You may not buy tickets to a grand ballet,
Or be like the grandma of yesterday.

You may not answer with a vague, "Yes, dear,"
You may not have trouble in one ear.
You may not always have your knitting near,
Or overflow with constant cheer

You may not have scalloped, scented soap
Or fuzzy toilet seat covers (I hope)
With embroidery needles, you cannot cope.
Big hair? Wig hair? Nada and nope.

But I love you without the stereotype.
I've been thinking we should connect on Skype.
You're my bud, Grandma, and I'd really like it
If I could take your path and be able to hike it.

I look at what you do each day
And I see each one is your birthday.
You live anew in all you do.
I wanna be like you!

What does a skeleton play in a band?
A Trom-Bone.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.

What do you get if you cross a glow worm with some beer?
Light ale!

Man: I've lost my phone number can I have yours?
Woman: Sure, my number is 911-8473 (works better if you write it down)

Oof – is the Aaron here really fresh or is that just you?

Why are tigers striped? Because they never want to be spotted.

Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement?
He’s finding it hard to deal with.

What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.

How does the Cheese Detective choose his clients?
On a queso by queso basis.

You couldn't cut the s*xual tension in here with a Yellowknife.

How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.

What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.

Which country’s capital has the fastest-growing population? Ireland. It’s Dublin every day.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.

I've never seen the inside of my ears...

But I've heard good things.

What did the snake give to his wife?
A goodnight hiss.

Why did the penguin cross the road twice?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.

The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.

-
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.
But apparently, you're not allowed to end a sentence with a proposition.

I'll open fire on anyone who says video games make children violent!

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember.

So I was reading my bible the other day and I was wondering if you know what Paul meant by "Greet one another with a holy kiss?"

What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!

I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.

How about you and I form a binary system?

A Portuguese, Spaniard, Dane, Finn, Swede, German, French, Italian, Belgian, Austrian, Czech, Polish, Russian, Afgani, Serbian, Brit, Irish, Scot, Sardinian, Corsican, Icelander, Belarian, Romanian, Yugoslavian, Hungarian, Ukrainian, Bulgarian, Turk, Morrocan, Algerian, Liberian, Sudanese, S. African, Zambian, Ethiopian, Bosnian, Nigerian, Angolan, Botswanian, Tanzanian, Saudi Arabian, Kuwaiti, Iranian, Iraqi, Pakistanian, Mongolian, Indian, Burman, Chinese, Cambodian, Laotian, Somalian, Yemen, Syrian, Israeli, Armenian, Philipino, Javan, Australian, Sri Lankan, Malaysian, Georgian, Taiwanese, Japanese, Vietnamese, Puerto Rican, Dominican Republican, Aruban, Jamacian, Cuban, Haitian, El Salvadorian, Guatamalan, Nicaraguan, Costa Rican, Panamanian, American, Canadian, Mexican, Argentinian, Bolivian, Peruvian, Columbian, Brazilian, Ecuadorian and a Venezuelan walk into a bar.


The bartender looks up and says, "Sorry. I cannot serve you without a Thai."

Yo baby, you want to see me solve a quadratic?

What's the problem with Father's day?
It always falls on Son-day

Beaver jokes
Can be pretty dam funny.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue.
You’re a pyscho,
But I still love you.

What do you get from a dwarf cow?
Condensed milk.

"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."

- George Burns.

"I've never known a person who lives to be 110 who is remarkable for anything else." —Josh Billings

What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights

What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.

I just got some mistletoe, how about we go back to my place and try it out?

Chuck Norris can dribble a bowling ball.

I didn't know WiFi stood for Wireless Fidelity.
I guess I just didn't get the connection.

“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.”
Oscar Wilde

If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.

Every single morning I get hit by the same bike.
It's a vicious cycle.

Would you like to come over for tea and crumpets?

Q: What time is it when a tiger walks into the room?
A: Time to get out of the room.