My pet raven, Poe, started coughing... thought it was Corvid-19, but then the bird flu away. Think I will see him nevermore.
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
Why did the monkey cross the road?
Because the chicken retired.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
I handed my dad a calculator for his birthday. with a dissapointed scowl on his face, he asked me: "Wheres the pi?"
My head hurt and I had a really runny nose during math class
I think i had a sin(x) infection.
Why did the forest ranger never put their tent between fires
because if they did the tents would be in a across fire
"Ignorance is a form of environmental pollution."
Anonymous
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
There was an Old Man of the Wrekin
Whose shoes made a horrible creaking
But they said, 'Tell us whether,
Your shoes are of leather,
Or of what, you Old Man of the Wrekin?'
What’s a corn farmer’s favorite animal? The unicorn.
What did the lollipop lady say to the zebra crossing?
'You're stripping me of a job.'
Why did the basketball player sign up for a crafting class?
He wanted to learn how to make baskets.
What do you call a pickle that got run over on the road?
Road dill.
You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
"I miss crawling into a man’s arm, kissing his neck, saying those three little words into his ear, 'And another thing ...'” — Felicia Michaels
As he gobbled the cakes on his plate, the greedy ape said as he ate: The greener green grapes are, the keener keen apes are to gobble green grape cakes. They’re great!
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.”—Dr. Joyce Brothers
There were two antennas who met on a roof and they fell in love and decided to get married. The ceremony was nothing fancy, but you could tell that they had a very strong connection.
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.
The girls next door gave me a Rolex for my birthday.
But I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
There was a young fellow named Weir,
Who hadn't an inch of fear.
He indulged a desire,
To touch a live wire,
And he celebrated by drinking beer.
Have you heard about the new book all about flamingos? Apparently it’s flying off the shelves.
What are ants made of?
Antimatter.
“From the ages of 8-18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
- Jarod Kintz
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
What’s a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
Man says to his boss, "Can we talk? I have a problem."
Boss: "Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!"
Man: "Ok, I have a serious drinking opportunity."
What do alligators call human children?
Appetizers.
I’m never board when I’m at the pool.
What do they say when you leave the cheese store?
Have a gouda day!
Why didn't the mexican archer fire his bow?
Because he didn't habanero.
I can't stand when people kick me in the back of the leg.
What does a tornado wear under his clothes? Thunderwear!
My wife threw a saucer at me because I hadn't completed the science project of our kid until then. Interestingly, he won first prize at school for presenting...
a Flying Saucer.
Why shouldn’t you iron a four-leaved clover?
You don’t want to press your luck.
What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz!
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
Ancient Rome
Two friends are talking:
- you know how many girls I had?
- mmm?
- No, not that many...
Hey girl, I won't be able to see you for the next few weeks.
I'm giving up sweet things for Lent.