I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Why did the troll go running?
To keep up with you!
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
“Scientists say the world is made of protons, neutrons, and electrons. they forgot to mention morons.”
Anonymous
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
“Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.” —Stephen Leacock
It was so cold the mice were playing ice hockey in the toilet bowl.
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
"I’m getting tired of waking up and not being at the beach."
What do skeletons put in their photocopiers?
Skeletoner
How do you catch a Polynesian squirrel?
Climb a tree and act like a coconut.
Which car is a Ghost’s favourite? It is between a Boogatti or a Rolls-Royce Phantom.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant.
Hear about the race between the Yeti and the Sasquatch?
The Sasquatch won, by a big foot.
What did the Cat burglar say when he was caught stealing from a French art museum?
I did it for the Monet.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
What do you call a happy aviator?
A gladiator
How does Frankenstein eat his dinner?
He bolts it down.
Why did the belt get arrested? Because he held up a pair of pants. What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
These puns are turtle-y hilarious.
"Never eat more than you can lift"- Miss Piggy.
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"I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren't in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets."- Dolly Parton
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?
I’m pretty sure he has Asp burgers.
Hold still, there's a mosquito on your a$$.
What is a vegan Viking called?
A Norvegan.
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you even after I'm sixty-four!
What’s ET short for?
So he can fit in the spaceship!
I don't need Christmas lights, you're already shining so bright.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
She drank so much coffee at work, she considered it part of her daily grind.
You are the square to my root.
Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup.
I had to carry a group of crows once.
It was murder on my back!
Scientists believe that one day we will find Sasquatch, just...
Not Yeti.
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
Flashier Great Tits Produce Stronger Sperm, Bird Study Shows.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What did the man say when his wife asked if he remember to get the coffee with icecream inside it?
“Sorry! Affogato!”
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”