I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it
Basketball players at times get athletes foot. Come to think of it, it is like the missle toe astronauts get.
"It’s bad manners to let vacation wait!"
What did the diamond say to its friend copper? Nothing, silly, minerals don’t talc!
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
Q: What do you call a French guy being mauled by a tiger?
A: Claude.
“When I hear somebody sigh, “Life is hard”, I am always tempted to ask, “Compared to what?””
– Sydney Harris
When the drivers ran out of fuel in the grassland, they refueled their tanks with grass-oline!
Why did the blonde have square boobs? Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the boxes.
Dracula is vegan, he can't take any risks. One stake could kill him.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
“We’ve all done this because we’re so mature. You see a cow on the side of the road, stick your head out the window and go, “Mooooo!” Like we expect the cow to think, “Hey, there’s another cow, driving that car! How can he afford that?”
- Garry Shandling.
“The reward for good work is more work.” – Francesca Elisia
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Are you a sheep cause your body is unbaaaaalievable.
A proud new Dad sits down with his own father for a celebratory drink.
His father says, "Son, now you've got a child of your own, I think it's time you had this."
And with that, he pulls out a book called, "1001 Dad Jokes".
The new Dad says, "Dad, I'm honored," as tears well up in his eyes.
His father says, "Hi Honored, I'm Dad."
What type of car would a regular horse buy?
A Fjord Focus.
What do you call a glass dinosaur?
Pyrex.
You have to act quickly during a flood because it's an emergent sea.
Wanna know what I said when I got hit by a water gun?
H2Oww
If I said you had a gorgeous shell would you hold it against me?
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
“Thank you, 2:30 in the morning, for always being the first sign that tomorrow’s gonna suck.”
Jimmy Fallon
Do you need some encourage-mint?
Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.
“Thanksgiving is so called because we are all so thankful that it only comes once a year.” — P.J. O’Rourke
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
Why couldn't anyone see the flamingo? It was in de skies.
I had a job repairing 17th century violins...
I only fixed instruments that were BAROQUE.
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
I met an annoying squid who wanted to become a comedian.
He wouldn’t stop kraken jokes.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What do you call a slice of bread you put in the toaster?
A tanning bread.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.
“Yes officer I did see the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you.”
For that special cashier:
Since you're checking me out why don't we go to the movies?
What did the kangaroo say while volunteering at the homeless shelter?
More-soup-y’all?
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.