What do you call people who are obsessed with crocodiles?
Crocophiles.
Crazy ex-girlfriends are like a box of chocolates.
They'll kill your dog.
What did the first plate say to the second plate?
"Dinner's on me!"
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
Our kids tee ball team, the Tigers, won the championship. All the parents were very proud and put in for a little statuette of the front of a tiger to give them to celebrate. When it came in, for some reason it was the back half of a tiger.
Needless to say, it was a cat ass trophy.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
What does the iron-deficient giant say?
- Fi fo fum.
We've been driving all day, I need a brake.
My suitcase started crying when I picked it up. I was carrying emotional baggage.
Most of the knights of the round table of King Arthur were in their middle ages.
The hipster burnt his tongue. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
What was the shark’s favorite Tim Burton film?
Edward Scissorfins.
What is better than a physics joke?
A meta physics joke.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.
Man: Any Generic Pick Up Line
Woman: "I like your approach, now let's see your departure."
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
What's the difference between a colonoscopy and an endoscopy?
The taste.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
I'm much funnier.
when I am drunk off my butt.
sadly, I'm sober.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.
My Ph.D thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii. To understand it all I had to visit the ancient mooins.
This Valentine's day, I decided to pay extra and buy flowers that look after themselves.
They are Self Raising.
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
The dock keeps floating above the river because of the pier- pressure.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
"You might not carrot all, but you're irresistible."
Is it me or is there an interaction between us?
What time should I book the court? Let’s shoot for around tennish.
Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?
He couldn't focus on the negatives.
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory."
Friend: "What did he do?"
Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
Hey you long legged girl with the short dress on. I finally found you!!
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
Hey what’s your favourite dessert? Mine’s e-Clairs
Luke Luck likes lakes.
Luke's duck likes lakes.
Luke Luck licks lakes.
Luck's duck licks lakes.
Duck takes licks in lakes Luke Luck likes.
Luke Luck takes licks in lakes duck likes.
“At some point in life, the world’s beauty becomes enough.”
What does Santa Claus say when he flies through a rainbow? Hue hue hue, merry Christmas!
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
Why did the orange lose the race?
“Because it got Im-peached.”
Give me some pigskin
How do you repair a broken tomato? Tomato Paste!
What do you see? [Nothing]. That’s my life without you.
I've just thought of a really funny owl joke, but I can't use it until 2/8/20.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
I wish I had some butter for them biscuits.
Why did the girl walk into the ice cream store with an umbrella?
She heard there were going to be sprinkles
What do we call the basketball team that won the donuts championships? – dunkin donuts.