What do you call a rabbit housekeeper? A dust bunny.
Babe, your beauty throws me off-beat
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
Remember when I asked you out? Well, I was talking to the girl behind you.
How do you change a blonde's mind? A1: Blow in her ear. A2: Buy her another beer.
Are you good at finding things? Because I think you may have found my heart. Also, I don't know which zone I parked my car into so I need help with that too. Thanks!
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
I was talking to a barn owl last night, when I mentioned that I'd just got engaged.
He said, "You twit! To who?"
Is this the registration table? Because I need a number from you.
How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
With a pair of Caesars.
What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
The man got shocked when he got down in the river because the river current was too strong.
The art teacher encourages her students to move in the light direction.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act." - Truman Capote
A bomb goes of in a cheese shop.
You can see da brie everywhere.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
“Bad decisions make good stories.”
– Ellis Vidler
The only way athletes can stay cool even in a charged game is by standing near the fans.
What did the angry brain say to the nociceptor?
"You're a real pain."
How do you dry clothes on a line in winter?
You freeze dry them.
Why do volleyball players love to swim? They like diving in the deep and then floating in the shallow.
When should you stop for a glow worm? When he has a red light.
What do you get when you cross a Dinosaur and TNT? Dino-mite.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
What kind of House does Chuck Norris live in?
A Round House.
What do you call a group of crows eating a box of corn flakes?
A cereal murder.
Don't get tide down this summer. 'Tis the season for having fun.
Why do gorillas have really big fingers?
Because they have really big nostrils!
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
“I love airports because the rules of society don’t apply. Eat a pizza and have a glass of wine at 7 am while in track pants. Nobody cares.”
Unknown
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What do you get if cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?
A turtle-neck jumper.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
What’s the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
Alligators will see you later, crocodiles in a while.
"It’s important to have a twinkle in your wrinkle." - Unknown
When Lincoln had asked Republican Senator John if he would aid him in capturing Atlanta, he replied, "Sher-man!"
"Daddy Neck Stretchers"
A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!
Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.
Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.
I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!
Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.
Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.
– Darlene Gifford
Love me tender love me true
Show me how you feel
Buy a ring and bend the knee
Then take me for a meal
Give me wine
Act like you’re mine
And woo me with your charm
Then kiss me quickly
Before I’m sickly
And hanging on your arm
(Anonymous)
"You can't skele-run from my skele-puns."
Why was the zombie afraid to cross the road?
He had lost his guts.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
There was an Old Person of Prague,
Who was suddenly seized with the Plague;
But they gave his some butter,
Which caused him to mutter,
And cured that Old Person of Prague.
It’s so cold our table cutlery now includes a saw.