Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
It was stuck to the chicken’s foot.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
hy don’t calculus major throw house parties?
Because they know firsthand that it’s a bad idea to drive and derive.
"I'm dyeing to know what's up."
Q: Why did the tree go to the dentist?
A: To get a root canal.
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
Where does a 500-pound penguin sit?
Anywhere it wants.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
I’m currently reading a book on anti-gravity and it’s impossible to put it down.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
What do you call dangerous amounts of precipitation?
A rain of terror.
If you gave me a penny for my thoughts I’d have just one penny, because i only think about one thing and that’s you.
Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
I am out of chemistry jokes. I should zinc of a new one.
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice. Nothing he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
Why are shovels, trowels, and spades so common in down-to-earth novels and movies?
Because they're plot devices.
When I first started playing chess, I thought the castle could move diagonally.
Classic rook-y mistake.
"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Love me do
There's something gorgeous about your eyes...
Oh, that's it! It's my reflection.
I recently took a trip to Alaska. We ate at a fancy restaurant where the chef made us an amazing meal from native animals and vegetables we helped forage. I asked if he had ever had whale blubber or seal meat.
He said "nah, I’m not really Inuit."
What did the pig say on a hot summer’s day?
I’m bacon!
I can’t believe I framed the ball in for a winner. Shank you!
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
Q. Where can you view sculptures and paintings created by deer?
A. At the art moose-seum.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Forget about pumpkin, you’re the only cutie pie I need.
I'm beginning to suspect that the Tinnitus Hotline isn't actually staffed
Any time I call, it just keeps ringing.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Irish.
Irish who?
Irish you a nice day.
I started an insurance company for flower and gardening businesses...
It's called "oopsie daisies."
How does a kangaroo win a gold medal?
In the long jump.
You’re brew-tiful!
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
What’s the best time of year to break out the trampoline?
Spring-time!
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.