Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.
I won’t let you slip through my Butter Fingers.
Why did the orange go to the doctor? He wasn’t peeling well.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
I got punched in the mouth by a drug addict today.
Now my jaw’s all methed up.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.
What do you call a sleeping pizza?
A piZZZZZZa.
What do you get when you put a radio in the fridge?
Cool music.
What looks like half a pine tree? The other half.
“Respect your parents. These guys pay for your internet.”—Unknown
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
I'm sorry I'll have to confiscate your driving license...
Because you are driving me crazy!
I hate being bipolar...
It's great!
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
How many lips does a flower have?
Tulips.
What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? Odor in the court. What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? Dam!
I can figure out the square root of any number in less than 10 seconds. What? You don’t believe me? Well, then, let’s try it with your phone number.
What did the deer say to his friend when he suggested a trip to the park? Good i-deer!
How do we know Peter was a rich fisherman?
By his net income.
"No wine left behind."
What time do zombies wake up?
At ate o’clock!
"If love is the answer, could you please re-phrase the question?"
- Lily Tomlin
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Accidentally ran over a French seal today .
Phoque.
When I look into the Mirror of Erised, I see you giving me your number.
How did the headless chicken cross the road?
In a KFC bucket.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
If you put a strawberry in the freezer, you can make a strawberry shake!
How do you stop an Internet troll?
Seize their memes of production.
Why did the orange lose his job at the factory? He didn’t concentrate.
What do you call old horses?
Ancient roans.
What's your number?? Err I mean your name?
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Pump Kins
How can you tell if a crab is drunk?
It walks straight
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
What do you call an elephant with rotors?
A Nellie-copter.
Where can you find the biggest diamond in the world?
On a baseball field.
The fruit bat ate the orange because of its appeal. It had such a nice color.
"The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he’s a baby."
- Natalie Wood.
I put my root beer in a square glass
Now I just have beer
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Ancient Romans considered vomitoriums a good place to un-wine.