If you encounter a sea monster, you better get Kraken!
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
Famous mermaid saying: Keep your friends close and your anemones closer.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
What is a cat’s favorite kitchen tool? The whisk-er.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
Did you hear about the spies trying to infiltrate japan, Italy, and Germany in WWII?
They were denied axis.
What’s it called when a bunch of pigs compete in athletic games?
The Olympigs.
You’re the only rein-dear for me.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
“I want to tell you about the "sausage principle." The theory says, "If you love something, never try to find out how it is done."”
― Unknown
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
Please don’t go now. Else, I would have to go to the police station and report you to the cops. You just stole my heart.
What to you call a legume with facial hair?
A mustachio!
Q: Where does a boat go when it's sick?
A: To the dock!
"My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield
You should see what I can do with ice.
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
It’s so cold that Jack Frost changed his name to Jack Froze.
Is your name pronounced Ee-an, or Eye-an? I hope it’s the latter cuz I’ve got my Ian you
I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.
My wife was scratching the glass jar with a metal spoon...
It was jarring!!!
"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children." – Clarence Day
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
I wasn't wearing hearing protection when the atom bomb went off.
Now I am become deaf, destroyer of worlds.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
An unlucky skydiver's last pun: 'Ah chute!'
What's the best hairstyle for a gun?
Bangs.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
You're the second greatest thing to happen to me. Jesus being the first.
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Let's boomerbang!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
You’re as sweet as a flower, and not a daisy goes by when I don’t think of you.
“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”
What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark? Flood lights!
“I now pronounce you man and wife. You may now change your Facebook status.”—Anonymous
He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.
There once was a family, the Bigger’s.
There was Mr. Bigger, Mrs. Bigger, and a son, baby Bigger. Which one was the largest?
The son, because he was a little Bigger.