Roll over. I'll scratch your belly.

I bought my wife a matching belt and bag for Valentine's Day
She should have that vacuum up and running in no time.

What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.

Why shouldn't you kiss anyone on January 1st?
Because it's only the first date

What do you call a bee trying to make up its mind?
A maybee

When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.

Why do pandas have fur coats?
Because they’d look stupid in denim jackets.

The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him. When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super se*.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

What did the Ocean say to the shore?
Nothing. It just waved.

What did the skeleton say to the French soldier? Bone Jaw

Did you hear what happened to the Energizer Bunny? He got arrested for Battery.

What is a cat’s favorite game to play with a mouse? Catch!

"Remember, the second most important thing to choosing the right shoe is choosing the left one."
Unknown

What's black, white, purple, yellow and blue? Sugilite, opal, and sardonyx fighting over a gumball.

What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'

I sneezed in the bank today, it was the most attention I have received in the last 10 years.

Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.

How Many Engineers Does It Take to Assemble a Futon?
Three…and a psychologist!

Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!

Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!

Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.

Did you overstay your visa? Because you got 'fine' written all over you

"Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time."

– Sadhguru

“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
Robin Williams

What do dogs increase?
The pup-ulation.

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.

“Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.”

What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!

When you come across a lost wolf, the first greeting should be, “how are you where-wolf”.

When my cat sleeps, he snoozes
Inside the laundry basket,
Or on top of a tree,
Crammed inside a shelf,
Where no-one can see.
In empty shopping bags,
And cartons made of cardboard,
On piles of books and newspapers,
And suitcases that are stored.
Curled up under furniture,
In places we’d never think to look.
Or nestled behind a flower pot,
In a hard to find nook.
Since my cat sleeps for at least sixteen hours each day
He must be bored of sleeping in the same old way!

(Santhini Govindan)

I have a bone to pixie with you.

I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.

How would you scare a snowman?
Get a hairdryer!

What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted

“All marriages are happy. It’s the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” — Raymond Hull

Do you like sales? Because if you're looking for a good one, clothing is 100% off at my place.

“There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger

Why are people in big cities in Spain always dry?
Because the rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain.

What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.

How do bats line up in school?
In alpha-bat-ical order.

Knock knock
Who's there?
Elf
Elf who?
Elf me wrap this present!

Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick's Day?
Real rocks are too heavy.

Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.

Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.

Why do bears have fur coats?
Because they look silly wearing jackets.

How does Frankenstein speak?
Frankly.

When the cats and the bats are about
Many witches are near, no doubt
If one is in sight
And you're filled with fright
Don't worry - just yell out a shout.

Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.

A beaver's tail makes them look odd.
But without it they would look otter.