Why are men se*ier than women? You can't spell se*y without xy. Why are men like lawn mowers? They are difficult to get started, emit foul smells and don't work half the time!
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
You’re the girl that everybody wants. Today is their lucky day.
“Keep calm and ommm… nonommm…” — Anonymous
Are you a phone? Because I want to hold you in my hands all day and ignore the rest of the world while I stare at you alone in my bedroom.
Did you hear about the koala bear in the church choir? Yeah, they say he sings bearitone.
I wanted to catch a squirrel but I didn't know how.
So I decided to climb a tree and act like a nut.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.
Whenever I go to a zoo, I only ever see dogs.
They were Shiht-zus.
I want anarchy
Because my keyboard is missing one.
Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because baby, you take my breath away!
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:
"Let's have another round, shall we?"
If only thanksgiving was every month
A feast I would enjoy
But then I got to thinking
My diet it would destroy.
But the food we eat at Thanksgiving,
The turkey and the pumpkin pie
It is all so good and tasty,
To say otherwise is a lie.
And, then there are the relatives
Who gather each year
Some of them drive me crazy
But really they are all so dear.
Maybe it is good that
Thanksgiving only comes once a year
It makes us realize
That Christmas is near.
- Catherine Pulsifer
“‘Welcome to winter,’ one said. ‘When fifty percent of drivers should have their licenses temporarily suspended.'” — Kelley Armstrong
Why are frogs so good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
Imagine an imaginary menagerie manager managing an imaginary menagerie.
What do koalas use when they’re doing yard work? A wheelbearow.
What's the difference between and Buffalo and a Bison?
You can't wash your face in a Buffalo.
Hey there, will you Vio-let me take you out sometime this weekend?
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Q. Why are big gorilla turds always so stinking tired?
A. Because they're all pooped out!
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate his food before it was cool.
Can you feel our love blossoming into a stable relationship?
What is a car’s favourite bug?
A beetle.
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes!
De-coffin-ated coffee is the favourite coffee of the mummy.
I just got my colonoscopy results:
The doctor gave me two thumbs up!
Dear Turkey, don't worry... they only love us for our breasts too. Sincerely, all women.
“I cannot go to school today,"
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
“I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I’m going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I’ve counted sixteen chicken pox
And there’s one more--that’s seventeen,
And don’t you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut--my eyes are blue--
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I’m sure that my left leg is broke--
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button’s caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle’s sprained,
My ‘pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow’s bent, my spine ain’t straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangn
Do you know what is the favorite key of the astronauts?
The Spacebar.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
An introvert elephant and an emo giraffe walked into a bar.
They couldn’t fit in.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
Wow, You must be the pretty princess the evil queen is trying to get rid of.
Do you have a pencil? Cause I want to erase your past and write our future.
What did one horse say to the other after he said he wanted to drop out?
That’s an equestionable decision.
I just watched a documentary about beavers. It was the best dam show I’ve ever seen.
What do you call a bee that lives in a mud hive?
An adobee!
I think my chickens are possessed
My wife is very much distressed
Their feathers are all dishevelled
And the eggs they lay are devilled
- Paul Curtis
What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a hyena?
A monster with a sense of humor.
What sign was posted in the witches' parking lot?
Violators will be toad.
Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium-Sodium --- Batman!