A dragon would never explode
But a dino might.
What do you call a square that got into a car accident?
A rect-angle
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday, the rest are weekdays.
What you call the Ghost of a Chicken? Poultry-geist.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
The bottom of the butter bucket is the buttered bucket bottom.
I was going to read Proverbs 31, but then I realized I could just study you instead.
French guy goes into a bar with a frog on his head
The bartender asks “where’d you get that?” And the frog says “in France. There’s loads of them.”
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
I’ll bring you roses to our first date so that they can see how beautiful you are.
Round the rough and rugged rock the ragged rascal rudely ran.
It’s so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
I'm no Joseph. Perhaps you can help me interpreting the dreams I've been having about you?
What does a ghost panda eat?
BamBOO!
I love you from my head tomato
How can a camel walk the desert without getting hungry? Because of all the sandwhiches there.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
I asked the older woman at work what she is doing for Valentine’s Day and she said that she was taking her husband to the Cardiologist. The heart wants what the heart wants.
Iron Man's favourite Xmas gifts this year were socks that fire from his feet.
He called them missile toes.
“Family life is a bit like a runny peach pie, not perfect but who’s complaining?”
- Robert Brault.
What do you call a funny bone?
A humerus.
An American is typing on a computer when he flies into a rage, shouting "How the hell am I misspelling color"?
A Canadian takes a quick look at the screen before rolling his eyes and walking away, saying "that sounds like a u problem".
When would you want a man's company? When he owns it.
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
I keep making bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.
Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Let's hang out sometime. You bring your beaker and I'll bring my stirring rod.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
A werewolf's favorite day of the week is Moonday.
How do nurses and doctors keep people from lying about their medical history?
They use the de-FIB-rillator.
Girl, you’re truly one in Amelia
It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
I stopped my phones to the cloud, and I kept getting mist calls.
Not sure what my creatinine clearance is, but I just can't get you out of my system.
Need an Ark?
I Noah guy.
There was an odd fellow named Gus,
When travelling he made such a fuss.
He was banned from the train,
Not allowed on a plane,
And now travels only by bus.
What did the gorilla say after spending one month at te gym?
Geez, gain a little muscle mass, and everybody acuses you of steroids. As if eating too many bananas wasn't dopey enough!
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day? 92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my nightmares all night!
Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
Being in love is a lot like central heating in your home.
You turn it on just before your guests come over and pretend that your house is always like this.
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
What do a phone and an engaged girl have in common? They both have rings.