“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles
I can't decide whether to grill chicken breasts or chicken thighs...
I guess I'll just wing it
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
What do you call a group of penniless Viking grave diggers?
The poor norsemen of the necropolis.
There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who never knew what he should do;
So he tore off his hair,
And behaved like a bear,
That intrinsic Old Man of Peru.
What type of diet did the snowman go on?
The Meltdown Diet.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
What do you call an evil turkey? Poultry-Geist.
The science teacher decided to take her class out on a field trip to the mountains because all the kids in her class desperately needed higher grades.
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since.
How do you make a duck sing soul music?
Put him in the microwave until his Bill Withers
Law of employment:
When leaving work late, you will mostly go unnoticed.
When you leave early, you will meet your boss at the parking lot.
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
Do you know the Tango? Because you're dancing away with my heart.
What is a cat’s favorite book? The Princess and the Paw-per.
What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot
Why did the cat cross the road?
Because her owner told her not to do it.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
A happy hippo hopped and hiccupped.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
Two rocks at the bottom of a mountain. First rock: Avalanche!
Second rock: Ha! I'm not gonna fall for that again!
My wife and I went hiking and got lost. I lost my temper and she was so upset she threw the map at me.
Now I know where we stand.
There was an Old Person of Burton,
Whose answers were rather uncertain;
When they said, 'How d'ye do?'
He replied, 'Who are you?'
That distressing Old Person of Burton.
“Finally, a Thanksgiving without a drunken uncle. Just me, my nieces and nephews and my bottle of Jack Daniels.” — Conan O’Brien
Which dinosaur is pure evil? Daemonosaurus.
What is an astronaut's favorite candy bar?
Milky way.
Mom: Why did you shave the peaches!
Dad: The recipe asked for nectarines.
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Al.
Al who?
Al give you a kiss if you open the door.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Our relationship is like my financial status: Broke.
I got a new bread recipe where you don’t have to get your hands messy by mixing the dough.
It is kneadless, to say.
What happened when a bat misbehaved in night school?
She got suspended.
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are… but I laugh more.
Why do dinosaurs eat raw meat? Because they don't know how to cook.
If I had a dollar for every time I had an existential crisis...
Would it even matter?
Q: What do you call a row of 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Why do pumpkins never quarrel? Because they have no stomach for fighting.
Why did the girl bring lipstick and eye shadow to school? She had a make-up exam!