Let’s pretend you’re a croc so we can wrestle!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
What is the national dish of Sweden?
Swedish.
Why did the skeleton start a fight?
Because he had a bone to pick.
Why did the Gorilla fail its exam? He didn't have the ape-titude.
Why are automatic doors like knights?
Because they're chivalrous!
I decided to try growing pot...
So I buried a saucepan in my yard. I hear it takes no skillet all.
Resting Grinch face.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Not to be cheesy, but you’re looking really gouda.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
It’s so cold the police told a robber to freeze, and he really did.
The tiger ran away from other tigers as they were rude to him. He didn't want to be involved in a catfight.
Are you an overdue book? Because you have fine written all over you!
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They're great with figures.
There's a fine line between a numerator and denominator.
What did the beaver say after she slipped in water?
Dam it.
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I was ready and wading!
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Let’s commit the perfect crime together.
I’ll steal your heart and you can steal mine.
How did the penguin pass his driving test?
He winged it.
What football team do energy providers root for the most?
The Chargers.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
What do we call a chicken inside a hot tub? – It is called soup.
I saved a tiny baby crow and now he won't leave, I guess you could say he's mi-cro.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Mustache.
Mustache who?
Mustache you a question, but I’ll shave it for later
Gordon Ramsey shouted at Queen Mary because she was burning everything.
What does a pizza say when it introduces itself to you?
Slice to meet you.
What do you call a maternal Turkish robot water weasel?
An Ottoman otter-mom automaton.
What do baseball players eat at White Castle?
Sliders.
Are people jealous of the Irish?
Yeah, they’re green with envy.
What has a spiked tail, plates on its back, and sixteen wheels? A Stegosaurus on roller skates!
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
I saw a squirrel throw up today! It was nuts!
What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
Why did the spider get on the computer?
To check his website.
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
Pack your trunks – we’re having a pool party!
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
How do you make holy water?
By boiling the hell out of it.
Q: What's a tornado's favorite game?
A: Twister
What do you call a deer with hooves in his ears?
Anything you want — he can’t hear you.
“I’m tired of hearing about money, money, money, money, money. I just want to play the game, drink Pepsi, wear Reebok.” — Shaquille O’Neal
I have a great relationship with my mother… land.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
Who turns the lights off on Halloween?
The light's witch.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.