Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Roses are brown
Violets are brown
Who crapped in my garden?
What's green, green, green, green, green?
A frog rolling down a hill.
“There’s no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn’t tell you about it?” -Kin Hubbard
I fence-y you.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
The crowd had filled up the venue and everyone was waiting for the bowling alley to open. Finally, they got the ball rolling.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?
OsMoses.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Why did the American student spend his year in European brothels?
To study a broad.
What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it? Nothing, it just let out a little wine!
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
I feel like God's telling me that you should go on a date with me.
Someone stole my lawn gnome that was under my porch!
Who would stoop so low?
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Man: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman: Maybe once. I never make the same mistake twice!
What happened to the pirate ship that sank in a sea full of sharks?
It came back with a skeleton crew.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
What’s the best meal to eat in an igloo?
Brr-eakfast!
What did the metamorphic rock say during the test? This is too much pressure!
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
Have you ever been to a marketplace in Egypt?
It's quite bazaar
A man gives his wive a coffin for her 70th birthday,
When she turns 71, she asks "why didn't you get me a present?" And the man answers "but you havent used the one I gave you last year."
Are you religious? Because you’re the answer to my prayers.
I think we may have been transported to the surface of Mercury because things became unbelievably hot when you walked into the room.
“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark
What did the Viking chieftain say when asked about his motivation?
"I'm in it for the longhall."
Chuck Norris invented airplanes because he was tired of being the only person that could fly.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
“An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.” —Irv Kupcinet
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
What is the recipe for Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone without dressing.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call a three-eyed tiger?
A tiiiger.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Why can I not make jokes about the recent attacks in France?
Because jokes are all about execution.
What's the Difference Between a Chemist and a Chemical Engineer?
Oh, about $10 K a year.
"I need 6 months of vacation. Twice a year."
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What did the man say after he came out of the walk-in freezer?
"That experience was chilling."
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What does a Clydesdale say when you offer them a carrot?
“Of course, my horse.”