I’m feelin’ pine.
It’s impossible to Rouen a trip to France.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
What do you call a Medieval spy?
Sir Veillance
“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
What movie perfectly describes the corona virus?
No country for old men.
What did the femur say to the patella? I kneed you.
How will you come to know when the moon will go broke? It would happen when moon is down to its last quarter.
"Whenever someone asks me to define love, I usually think for a minute, then I spin around and pin the guy's arm behind his back. Now who's asking the questions?" — Jack Handy
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy beer." ~ Gary Reilly
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Is your name Houston? Because you seem to be guiding my rover.
What do you call a wet teddy bear?
A drizzly bear.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Why did the Platanus occidentalis have to go to the doctor more than the other trees? Because it was always sycamore.
What do you call a dinosaur with one eye? Doyouthinkhesawus
How did the close race between the rabbit and the tortoise end? It was won by a hare!
Harambe wasn’t only one of the best gorillas I’ve ever met...
He was also a great ape.
“My wife tells me that if I ever decide to leave, she is coming with me.”
- Jon Bon Jovi
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
There was an old person of Troy,
Whose drink was warm brandy and soy,
Which he took with a spoon,
By the light of the moon,
In sight of the city of Troy.
What do you get if you cross a pigeon and a parrot? Voicemail!
A husband reels off a list of presents he suggests buying his wife for her birthday.
She rejects them all.
“Well you tell me what you want then.”
“I want a divorce.” she replies.
“I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.
Why didn’t the skeleton feel like patching up his broken ribcage?
His heart wasn’t in it.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died." —Erma Bombeck
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
The best place to search for information about witches is wicca-pedia.
Did you hear about the new Wifi connected chef's knife?
It's cutting-edge technology.
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad, it was tearable.
What is a skeleton’s favorite TV show?
Bone-anza!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
When my girlfriend told me she needed time and distance, my heart almost stopped,
Fortunately, she was just calculating velocity.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
“Yoga is too slow.” — Rob Gronkowski
What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
me ghosta.
What happened when Napoleon got killed with a bomb?
Napoleon Blownapart.
What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?
One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.