Why is Jupiter so sad and heartbroken? Because his crush wants a plutonic relationship with him.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
“I like tea and yoga, but I don’t do yoga.” – Moby
You be Yankee Doodle, I'll be the pony.
What kind of bird sticks to sweaters? a Vel-Crow.
Why is the snail the strongest animal? Because he carries a house on his back!
My Chinese neighbour said he's just opened a crows shop.
Speaking slowly, I said "you mean a *clothes* shop?"
He says, "No, a crows shop - come in and have a rook."
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
What do you call a snowman that tells tall tales?
A snow-fake!
You hear that? The ocean wants you to join me for a drink.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
Why don’t pigs eat cake? Because they’re morally opposed to bacon.
A guy walks into a crow bar
It's a murder scene
Why is the tooth fairy so smart?
Because she has wisdom teeth!
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
How do ghosts wash their hair? Sham-boo.
Turtles keep on winning battles because they are perfect at shelling their enemies.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
This palace is a breath of fresh heir!
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
what do you call it when a lady mammal that enjoys swimming a lot, who has an unattractive twin sister, fires a gun at one of her gym buddies who also happens to work with clay as their profession?
hotter water otter daughter shot her potter spotter
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
What do you call a bear that’s stuck out in the rain?
A drizzly bear.
Why were there cows on the baseball field?
Because they were looking for the bullpen.
Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.
What do Penguins like to eat?
Brrrrrrrritos.
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
"If kisses were snowflakes, I'd send you a blizzard."
What kind of ears do trains have?
Engineers.
What do you call a whirlwind winter romance?
Love at frost sight!
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
The only thing hotter than your body is the sun.
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Which state of America has lots of cats and dogs? Petsylvania
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Girl you are looking so Jose-fine in those photos
Someone told me I looked like a salt shaker. I took it as a condiment.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
“In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.” –Tony Montana (Al Pacino) Scarface
“Family is just accident...They don’t mean to get on your nerves. They don’t even mean to be your family, they just are.”
- Marsha Norman
"Check, mate."
"Checkmate."
"Hey! Can I get the check, mate?!?"
What’s a rabbit’s favorite game? Hopscotch!
Which language do oranges use to speak to each other? Mandarin.
Billy turned in his art project and his teacher said, “This piece of paper has nothing on it?”
Billy replied “I know, I drew a blank.”