"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

I have an Epi-Pen.
My friend gave it to me as he was dying.
It seemed very important to him that I have it.

What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.

Excuse me, I just farted over there. Can I stand here with you?

What did the ocean say when asked if he wanted to be friends with the beach?
“Shore!”

What's a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?

Dreaming in color is the artist's pigment of imagination.

Q. What is a mime's favorite time of the day?
A. Dusk, because all the colors are muted.

Why do people in Greece not wake up until noon?
Because Dawn is tough on greece.

What do you call a crazy chicken?
A cuckoo cluck.

What is the best day to go to the beach? Sunday, of course!

Did you hear about the law firm with the most intimidating lawyers?
It’s filled with liti-gators.

Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.

"Daddy Neck Stretchers"

A long neck giraffe,
I saw it at the zoo.
And I wished my head
could be up high, too!


Daddy, I asked,
Why is my neck so small?
I want a giraffe's neck,
long and tall.

Then I could touch
the sky so blue,
just like the giraffe's
with his neck-tall view.

I need a neck stretcher.
Daddy, please get me one.
To be high up in the air,
would be so much fun!

Suddenly, Up! Up! Up!
I felt myself rise!
With my head in the clouds,
I was no longer kid-sized.

Next to the giraffe,
I sat proud and tall.
My daddy's the best
neck stretcher of all.

– Darlene Gifford

The government announced that because of COVID, we can have gatherings of up to 5 people without issues.
Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without issues?

My car keeps telling me my door is ajar. It's not a jar you idiot it's a door.

It’s really annoying being stuck behind a flamingo in a car. They literally never put their foot down.

My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.

What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"

“I always give 100% at Work: 10% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 22% Thursday, and 5% Friday.”​ –Anonymous

What do you say when you're having dinner with a skeleton? Bone appetit!

I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.

What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."

How do you make a pig really happy on his birthday? Throw him a sow-prize party.

He knew literally everything about the constellations. Some might even say that his knowledge of the night sky was astronomical.

Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.

Why did the freezer never graduate?
Because it was set on 0 degrees.

I really like the Lion King
and every day the urge to sing one of the songs is just a whim away, a whim away, a whim away.

Every book has some flaws and mistakes, no matter how good the editor. It’s bound to happen.

Falling in love with you takes less time than my DNA takes to replicate.

There once was a lady from Guam
who said, "Now the sea is so calm,
I shall swim in the dark!"
She encountered a shark.
Let us all sing the Twenty-Third Psalm.

I knew a mathematician who couldn’t afford lunch.
He could binomial.

My friend bought a new house, and invited everyone to a party.
My dad asks, "How was the house warming?" And I said, "With the furnace, I suppose."

What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.

"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar

How do officials start the races at the pink bird olympics? They say three... two... one... flaminGO!

What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef Jerky.

Whats the difference between the Bride and Groom In marriage, the bride gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains.

What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!

Gobbling gargoyles gobbled gobbling goblins.

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

This year, I've really enjoyed watching 'Planet Earth'.
It's a shame that it only has four seasons.

Did you hear about the cloud who became king? He rained for years.

If Colgate kills 99.9% of bacterias in mouth, what does Colgate sensitive do?
It kills 99.9% without hurting their feelings.

What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.

Q. What did the computer say to the cookie?
A. "Can I have your chocolate chip?"

My dad just told me something that sent a chill down my spine.
He said, “I’m turning off the heating.”

What do you get with surprise peas?
Wet legs

I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'

“Intaxication: That nice feeling you get when you receive a tax refund until you realize it was your own money in the first place.”