What did the pepperoni say to the cook?
You wanna pizza me?
Q: Doctor, I keep hearing a ringing sound.
A: Then answer the phone!
My wife and I went to see a realtor.
“Have you guys considered moving houses?” he asked.
I said, “No, we don’t like caravans.”
An onion just told me a joke.
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
“Adults are always asking children what they want to be when they grow up because they’re looking for ideas.” —Paula Poundstone
What noise does a gorilla’s doorbell make?
King Kong
Babe, it doesn’t matter that you got diabetic retinopathy, because I heard love is blind.
“Nurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese” – @mommy_cusses
Did you hear about the keyboard that lost it's Period Key?
He was missing the point.
When the student had asked the History teacher what questions will be there for the History exam, she answered, "The Past."
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage. The photon says, "No, I'm traveling light."
Who said that the pyramids are the tallest structure in Egypt? They are just between pyra-highs and pyra-lows.
So what did the Mother bee say to her misbehaving bee son.
Beehive!
Why did the T-Rex get a ticket? He ran through the stomp sign.
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
“Watching a dog try to chew a large piece of toffee is a pastime fit for gods. Mr. Fusspot’s mixed ancestry had given him a dexterity of jaw that was truly awesome. He somersaulted happily around the floor, making faces like a rubber gargoyle in a washing machine.”—Terry Pratchett
“Roses are red, Mondays are hard. I’m not good at poetry. COFFEE.”
Tom threw Tim three thumbtacks.
What do you find if you hang from a cherry tree for hours and hours? You find that your arms get sore.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!
How do baby horses get tucked in at night?
They get told a tail.
A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling. It's a gnocchia.
Where do criminal unicorns sentenced to death go? They go on corn row.
How does a bee get to school?
She takes a school buzz
He came, he thawed, he conquered.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
My girlfriend just told me I'm a poor listener.
Which upset me massively because I'm an awesome whistler.
Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
.
Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?
What does a mermaid say when she was leaving the party?
- Sea ya later.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Who brings colorful eggs to chemist's kids every spring?
The Ether Bunny.
What’s a skeletons favorite wrestling event?
A rib cage match.
Grandmother Of Eight Makes Hole In One
“If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.” — Claude McDonald
When the harvest moon is full and bright,
And the wolf bane blooms on an autumn night,
If the guy whose kiss used to make you swoon
Starts to lick his lips and howl at the moon,
You'd best decline if he asks you out for a bite.
- Jim Slaughter
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
I tried to keep a koala in my house, but the smell was just unBEARable.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
The rancher's Wifi wasn't working so he moved the router to the barn...
Now he has a stable connection
If an Octopus were to play football, how many tackles per game would an Octopus have?
Tentacles
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Q. What do you get if you cross a devilish deer with an evil cougar?
A. A hell cat.
I just want to say, “I love brew.”
Why is Basketball such a messy sport? Because you dribble on the floor!
How are air conditioners like humans?
Both get turned on when it's hot.
As for beauty I am not a star,
There are others much more handsome by far.
But my face - I don't mind it,
For I am behind it,
It's the people in front that I jar.
“If you live to be one hundred, you’ve got it made. Very few people die past that age.”
George Burns
Why do vampires always dress so nice?
Because they’re so vein!