Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.
Why are refrigerator shelves hipsters?
They were there before it was cool.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
Why did the piglet yell at his sibling at the dinner table?
She was hogging all the food!
How do bats tell their future? They read their horrorscope.
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
There was an Old Person of Cheadle,
Who was put in the stocks by the beadle
For stealing some pigs,
Some coats, and some wigs,
That horrible person of Cheadle.
If I had a dollar for every time I thought of you, I’d be in a higher tax bracket.
Can you tell me what type of weeping tree this is? Yes, but you willow me one later.
The sweetest and punny name to call a pig is Mudpie.
Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
I’ve got to ask are you Facebook?
Please tell me if it’s true,
I’m pretty sure you are indeed,
Because, baby, I like you.
The snowman's favorite side dish is iceberg salad.
I’m like the smell of chlorine – I’ll never leave you.
A man goes to the Doctor with a banana in one ear, a carrot in the other ear and a cucumber up his nose. “What’s wrong with me doc?” He asks.
“It’s easy, you're not eating properly.” the doctors replies.
What's black and white and eats like a horse?
A zebra.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
A sun walks into a black hole.
The black hole says to the sun "I don't think you understand the gravity of this situation".
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
“The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.”
Scott Adams
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring.
I started a job making plastic Dracula figurines but there’s only two of us in the production line.
I have to make every second Count.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
You're the only sight I want to see today.
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Are you epinephrine? ‘Cause baby, you make my heart race….
Living on Earth might be expensive. But we surely get a free trip around the sun every year!
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
My wireless keyboard isn't working
I guess I need to re-pair it.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
They can’t read it, it’s on a need-to-gnome basis.
What did one witch's cat say to the other?
You look familiar.
You’re once, twice, three times a lady.
Will you give me your number or will you let me spend the whole night guessing the digits?
A friend of mine is his team's best footballer on paper. Unfortunately, they play most of their games on grass.
What's a bats favorite desert? I-Scream!
There was a young lady named Rose,
Who had a large wart on her nose.
When she had it removed,
Her appearance improved,
But her glasses slipped down to her toes.
She followed her nose,
One day, I suppose,
And no one knows which way she went.
We’ll have a ball.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
What did one Frenchman say to the other?
I have no idea; I don’t speak French.