Did you hear about the one-legged gnome?
He’s one foot tall.
A Blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
It's not the cough that carries you off,
it's the coffin they carry you off in!
The computer said my password needed at least eight characters and at least one number, so I changed it to Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
"A man in love is not complete until he is married. Then he is finished."
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
How can you tell if there is a dinosaur in bed with you? By the `D' on his pajamas.
My brother was reading a book about a medieval castle that always had its drawbridge up. Unfortunately, he couldn't really get into the book!
Why is the world so diverse? Because it contains alkynes of people.
What sport does a cat play? Hairball!
Fairies just spell trouble.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
What did the electrician use to moisturise his hair?
Air conditioner.
A cynical man wishes to a Genie that he would be a psychic.
The Genie nods and snaps his fingers, and the man is warped back to his home.
Eager to see if the Genie was telling the truth, the man tests his power on a friend. When he failed to make the right guess, he shouted in frustration.
"God. I KNEW this would happen!"
How did the grizzly walk in the snow?
Bear footed.
How do skeleton’s get their mail delivered?
By the bony express.
The weather's getting colder, I really fancy some hot croc-o-late.
"The dumbest people I know are those who Know It All."
– Malcolm Forbes
What do you call two worms in love?
Soilmates.
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He must've had a vowel movement.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.
Why did the God of Thunder need to stretch his muscles so much when he was a kid?
He was a little Thor.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
Dinosaurs represent our relationship, because they both don’t exist anymore.”
Your beauty is like Pi, never-ending.
What kind of milk do people drink in Mexico? Soy milk.
What do you call a lineup of food with lots of garlicky dishes?
Buffet the Vampire Slayer!
“We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.”
Antonymous
Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
When you’re smooching with your honey, and your nose is kinda runny, you may think it’s kinda funny, but it snot.
I'm learning about important dates in history. Wanna be in one of them?
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to get me to join a pyramid scheme… Then two of my friends would have a dollar and two of their friends EACH would have had two dollars. And the guy above them? He’d get tons of dollars.
I’m in pursuit of hoppiness.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
My mobile phone has a tuneless ring tone. It's chordless.
Why does Elton John HATE lettuce?
Becuase he's a ROCKET MAN...
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Invest in grills!
They're hot steakholders!
What do you call a condiment with a hit single? a must"heard"
There's some cabanossi and cheese back at my house with ya name on it.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
“If Monday was a gift, I would happily return it to the person who gave it to me.”
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!