What do France and a pigeon have in common?
Every 5 minutes, there is a coo.

“What Yoga really is… Spending an entire hour trying not to fart.”— Anonymous

What does a ghost wear when it’s raining outside?
Boooooooooooots.

You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.

My executive assistant has long hair.
I call him my mane man.

The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose, but the fly comes close. -- Mark Twain

What did the daddy potato say to his son before his soccer game? I’m rooting for you!

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Ya.
Ya who?
Wow. You sure are excited to see me!

What did the deer write in his journal every day? Deer diary.

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.

“A good rule to remember for life is that when it comes to plastic surgery and sushi, never be attracted by a bargain.”
Graham Norton

“Failure is the condiment that gives success its flavor.”
― Truman Capote

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.”—Phyllis Diller

What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.

“Three things that never lie: Little kids, drunk people, and yoga pants.” – Unknown

How do you make a rabbit float? Put soda, syrup, and milk into a glass. Add one rabbit.

Oh no! My wine glass is empty. Somebody call Wine-One-One!

"Money can’t buy love, but it improves your bargaining position." — Christopher Marlowe

“The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal increases as the deadline approaches."
~ Bove’s Theorem

Did you hear what the foolish gardener did?
He planted a light bulb and thought he'd get a power plant.

I just got back from Dubai where I was offered 40 camels for my wife.
I usually smoke Marlboro but hey... a deal's a deal.

Hey babe. Wanna go for a timmies run?

I bet you are the earth and I am the sun because you become hotter as we get closer.

Did anybody ever consider that cannibalism would resolve both overpopulation – and world hunger?

A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.

What do you call a girl who's very good at human chess and checkers?
Ingrid.

Do you have a cell phone? My mom told me to call her when I find the girl of my dreams!

What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.

What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.

“If you can find a path with no obstacles, it probably doesn’t lead anywhere.” – Frank A. Clark

Can I hold your hand?

I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”

Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.

What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.

What did the tree say when it fell down?
"Call pine one one!"

How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!

Why are neuroanatomy classes the smartest?
They have lots of brains.

Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.

You’re photos are so great, would it be weird if I made you my screen Xavier?

How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.

Do you believe in love at first set? Or should I curl this barbell another 10 times?

Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”

Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
His underwear is hanging on the lamp.
His raincoat is there in the overstuffed chair,
And the chair is becoming quite mucky and damp.
His workbook is wedged in the window,
His sweater’s been thrown on the floor.
His scarf and one ski are beneath the TV,
And his pants have been carelessly hung on the door.
His books are all jammed in the closet,
His vest has been left in the hall.
A lizard named Ed is asleep in his bed,
And his smelly old sock has been stuck to the wall.
Whosever room this is should be ashamed!
Donald or Robert or Willie or—
Huh? You say it’s mine? Oh, dear,
I knew it looked familiar!
(Shel Silverstein)

Now I know why there's no snow - you're so hot!

Remember the one about people queuing up for drinks at Old Faithful's birthday party?
You're not missing much; the punch line blows.

Got a cow helping me cut the grass. He's a lawn mooer.

What did the monkey say when he cut off his tail?
It won’t be long now.

Why was the pig a pathological liar? It’s a porcine-ality disorder.

Your lips look so lonely. Would they like to meet mine?

Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.