What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
The pilot was lucky. He always had work. Whenever he made an application, it was almost certain that he would land a job.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
What sound does a llama’s doorbell make?
Llama llama ding dong.
What is the main difference between men and boys? Men's toys cost more.
I'm arresting you for breaking the 8th amendment because you...are excessively fine!
Aww, what's your pup's name? He has such a sweet face.
Your gravitational pull is irresistible!
I took my boat out to go fishing today. I looked over and saw my neighbor’s dock was parallel to mine.
I guess I found my self in a real “para-docks”
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
If you think that your phone, laptop, microwave and fridge spying on you is bad
Then you should know that your vaccum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for a while .
Girl is your name baseball? Cause I just want to hit it with you.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
I heard there are names that can be impossible to make puns out of, say its not Zoey!
How many golfers does it take to change a lightbulb?
FORE!
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.
It's a running gag.
Artists are colorful people who know how to draw on their emotions.
Finding Bigfoot will be no small feat.
What is a vampire’s favorite sport?
Casketball.
When you accidentally step on a cheerio, you become a cereal killer.
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
This love feels like floating endlessly in outer space and looking for your pretty lost smiles.
It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
“When I was young, I loved summer and hated winter. When I got older I loved winter and hated summer. Now that I’m even older, and wiser, I hate both summer and winter.” — Jarod Kintz
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
The airline lost my luggage, and so I sued them. Unfortunately, I lost the case.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!
Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.
I was doing brain surgery to a patient the other day
He was rather open-minded if you ask me.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be dead
Than stuck with you!
A dangerous surge of electricity walks into a bar. The barman says, why the long phase?”
The Little Mermaid shouldn’t be named Ariel
She should be named Nautical!
What do you call a Korean knight who is looking for his lost belongings? He goes by the name Sir Ching!
I’m icing the kicker – and by kicker, I mean beer.
Why did the worm leave the Apple?
Because Noah said to travel in pairs
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
Hey girl, I've got an extensive collection of solution manuals. Can I get your number?
I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
I'm Havana dream about you.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
Are you in the on deck circle? Çause you're up next.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I asked my son to stop leaving the freezer door open.
I told him, “This is why we can’t have ice things.”
“Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died."
~ Erma Bombeck
Chuck Norris counted to infinity… twice.
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.