Baby, have you been eating your Campbell's soup? Because you are looking Mmm, Mmm good!
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
Tigers are probably the most roarsome animal ever created!
What color sheet did the ghost wear on the 4th of July? Red, white, and boo.
Are you a card?
We're perfectly suited for each other
It is said that crows and owls are in caw-hoots.
"Glow Worm"
Oh, I wish I were a glow worm,
for a glow worm’s never glum,
’cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum!
– Taylor Russell
Which was the largest Gladiator of them all?
Gluteus Maximus
Girl, you make my crotch rise from the dead
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
What did the witch say when the door-to-door broom salesman showed her a vacuum.
I don't want an automatic. I want a stick shift!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
What do you call Bigfoot from Canada?
Sasquatch-ewan.
Hey, how'd you like to recreate the Big Bang?
I tripped in France.
Eiffel over.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
I just found out that my son got a tattoo of spades, diamonds, hearts, and clubs on his arm.
I might have to deal with him later.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
Why wouldn’t anyone play with the little longhorn?
He was too much of a bully.
The zombie had had a really long day at work.
She was dead tired.
"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on." — Joan Rivers
“You only live once… Lick the bowl!”
― Unknown
The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.
Little Johnny got up to read his.
It began, "My daddy fell in a well last week."
"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"
"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."
“You know you’re getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.” - George Burns
That was thaw-some!
I've never made an incomplete pass, and I hope you won't be my first.
What is Santa's favorite breakfast food? Snow-flakes.
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
When the love of his life finally left him, young Fidel cried out in despair, "I didn't think you would embar go my dear one."
Genie: "I shall grant you 3 wishes."
Me: "I wish for a world without lawyers."
Genie: "Done, you have no more wishes."
Me: "But you said I had 3!"
Genie: "Sue me."
I could work with the elves in the ribbon-tying department because I'm a pretty knotty girl.
“Anybody can sympathize with the sufferings of a friend, but it requires a very fine nature to sympathize with a friend’s success.“
— Oscar Wilde
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
Do you know where I store all my dad jokes?
In a dad-a--base
What do you say to a procrastinating pig? Listen, bud, it’s snout or never.
What do you call a truck towing a smaller truck?
A mother trucker
You’re so attractive, the gravitational disturbance is causing my galactic center to elongate.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
Steven Wright
Why are cats scared of trees?
Because of their bark.
How does a lobster answer the phone?
"Shello?"
What's the worst part about being a beaver?
It's a lot of dam work.
The density of this concrete leads me to believe one thing: it is a hard court.
Except the direction I'm walking in.