"Dogs have no money. Isn’t that amazing? They’re broke their entire lives. But they get through. Do you know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets." ~ Jerry Seinfeld
Have you ever tried sticking a fork in a socket?
The results may shock you
"If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?"
Where do fish stay on a campsite?
Fish stay in tentacles while they are camping!
There was a fire in a yodelling school.
Everyone was to exit in an orderly orderly orderly fashion.
What does a nosey pepper do? Gets Jalapeno business.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Why do owls always by mystery novels?
They love hoo-dunits.
There is a commonality between a thanksgiving and a bowler guest. They both love turkey.
Are you from heaven? because you seem like an angel to me?
When I went into my art lesson covered in yeast and flower, my teacher said I was the perfect roll-model.
How did the herpetologist know he would be married soon? He caught the garter snake.
Where's a pickle's favorite place to go in London?
Pickle-dilly Square.
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
How does a flower propel a bicycle?
It petals!
What do they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Bigmeter.
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...
I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need.
Moses had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
What do you call a chair in a suit?
A tuxSEATo
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
What should you do if you find a dinosaur in your bed ? Find somewhere else to sleep!
Why do potatoes make good detectives? Because they keep their eyes peeled.
After the Palace of Versailles was completed, Louis XIV felt Baroque and roll.
“Why do married people live longer than single people? I think it’s because married people make a special effort to live longer than their partner—just so they can have the last word.”—Janet Periat
Hey, have you heard about....
A gladiator whose arms and legs been cut off in a fight? Well, I heard that he's been disarmed and defeated.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What do troll mathematicians like to solve?
Parabolems?
Why didn't the Romans have algebra?
Because X always equaled 10!
What do you call a sloth that barely moves a muscle? A slow-off (show off).
Are you from Tennessee?
Because you look inbred.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Shoutout to my grandparents...
Because that's the only way they can hear me.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said...
"You know, one would have been enough."
Did you know Teslas don't have that new car smell?
They have more of an Elon Musk.
What do you give a deer with an upset stomach?
Elka Seltzer.
Why did the telecommuter lose his job? He had to many hang ups.
When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
How do Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code!
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
What do French cars wear as hats?
Bonnets.
I want you more then an ice-cream on a hot summer day.