What do you call a Grizzly at a nude beach?
Bear Naked.
What does Willow Smith say to her pets? I whip my hare back and forth.
TIL that, on average, humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
This is partially due to the fact that most humans don’t like the taste of monkey.
How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Marriage changes passion Suddenly you are in bed with a relative.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
Seven days without playing soccer can make one weak.
What title did the car have in the Navy?
Rear window Admiral.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
What stories did Vikings tell their children?
Norsery Rhymes
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
What did one fish say to the other?
If you keep your mouth closed you will not get caught.
"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Where do owls go on their honeymoon?
Their love nest.
.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were prime mates.
I know somebody who likes you but if I weren’t so shy I would tell you who.
"Room service? Send up a larger room."
Cowboys don’t roll joints.
They tumble weed.
Why is your foot more special than your other body parts? Because they have their own soul. What is heavy forward but not backward? Ton.
Dad jokes are like Corona.
Everybody gets It but not everyone can laugh about It.
Q: Why was the cherry by himself?
A: Because the banana split.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
You remind me of milk - cuz you're doin' my body good.
Why do dinosaurs eat their food raw? Cause they don't know how to cook
Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
"Congress can raise taxes because it can persuade a sizable fraction of the populace that somebody else will pay."
- Milton Friedman
Yetis have declared their own independent state in the Himalayas.
It's an abomi-nation.
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little brat used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
What's the first thing elves learn in school?
The "elf"-abet!
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
"By 35, if I’m not engaged or already starting a family, I declare myself the aunt who’s always traveling & comes to family events tipsy."
I tried to catch the fog.
But I mist.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
What do you get from sitting on the snow too long?
Polaroids!
Are you a member of a Girl Scout? Girl: No. Boy: Then why you knew how to tie my heart into knots?
Who’s the patron saint of poverty?
St. Nickeless.
I studied archeology
Now my life is in ruins.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
Guy walks into a tailor shop to pick up his suit. The tailor hands him a jacket and pair of pants. The guy says “But I had a 3-piece suit.”
Tailor says “The vest is yet to come.”
How to spell the potato has tried
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E – don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.
How do you talk to giants?
Use big words!
What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!
I spilled some acid on my aluminum fork and it dissolved…
but I didn’t mean to! It was an oxidant.