Had to my dinner with just a knife and spoon last night...
It wasn't easy, but that's a fork-gone conclusion.
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
I ain’t a personal trainer, but I can host a one-on-one workout !
We could do some cardio at your place
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
There was an Old Man of the South,
Who had an immederate mouth;
But in swallowing a dish,
That was quite full of fish,
He was choked, that Old Man of the South.
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Why do squirrels like to sit on telephone poles?
To stay away from the nuts on the ground.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Follow the fresh prints.
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
If I put dull-tasting food in a bowl, will it have a bowlder taste?
Steve Martin
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
It’s snow joke.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the baby rabbit say before his favorite holiday? I carrot wait for the Easter Bunny to visit.
Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.
Crossbows are great, but they have their drawbacks.
Jameson on St. Patrick’s Day? It’s worth a shot.
How can you tell if a real estate agent is British?
They’re all about proper tea.
If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.
How can you tell where the Easter Bunny left his treasure
Eggs marks the spot.
What is a witch's favorite makeup?
A ma-scare-a.
How do elves stay so skinny?
Elfy eating!
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.
What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A Puddle.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the cookie go to the hospital? He felt crummy!
Have you ever seen a catfish? No, how did he hold the rod and reel?
Are you a fruit? Cause honeydew you know how fine you look right now?
I think you’re pretty Stella-r
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
Are you enjoying your sweet potatoes this Thanksgiving?
I know I yam!
Did you hear about the crow who worked at a call Center?
He was fired for Just Caws.
A man went to the gym today and met up with his new personal rainer.
Blue and green stopped fighting because they had agreed on peace teal.
If your boat turns upside down in the river, you can wear it on your head because it's capsized.
Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
What do you call the day in November when your son and all his cousins get rowdy? Spanksgiving.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.