My mummy friend is really tense lately. He always looks so wound up.
"There's one good thing about snow, it makes your lawn look as nice as your neighbor's."
- Clyde Moore
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What do you call an obnoxious reindeer? RUDEolph.
Why do tigers always hunt and eat their prey raw?
Because they don’t know how to cook it.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What do you call a sorcerer who only deals in urine magic?
A whizzard.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Autumn is full of pumpkins, it is a gourd-geous time of the year.
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Why did the blonde skier only wear one boot?
Channel 7's weatherman said there was a 50% chance of snow.
What do you call it when worms take over the world? Global Worming.
I got fired for eating chips at work.
Well I really hated my job at the casino anyways.
"Summer vacations are a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid."
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What do you call it when a skeleton is having a great time?
An osteoblast.
Are you on the endangered species list cause baby you are one of a kind!
“I do yoga so that I can stay flexible enough to kick my own arse if necessary.” — Betsy Cañas Garmon
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What did the foot say to the football?
I toed you.
“What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?” — Erma Bombeck
What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!
If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Mikey.
Mikey who?
Mikey doesn’t fit in the keyhole.
My sister asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall”
I said maybe.
“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.”
– Prince Philip
What did the wig say to the head?
I got you covered.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Europe
Europe who?
Europe early this morning!
Hey baby, you caught my curiosity. Mind if I explore you a little?
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What is the most favourite drink of a cow? Mountain Moo.
“Surely Sylvia swims!” shrieked Sammy surprised. “Someone should show Sylvia some strokes so she shall not sink.”
What do you call a Viking soldier's trusty steed?
A horse in the force of the Norse, of course.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.
Did you hear about the nun who got into trouble for drinking communion wine from her convent's medieval goblet?
No, but it serves her rite.
How do you tell the difference between boys and girls?
Take their genes down.
My love for you is like a fruitcake during the holidays - nutty, spicy and unavoidable, no matter how hard you try.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
“I put all my money into taxes. They’re the only thing that’s sure to go up!”
I can’t remember my number. Can I please have yours instead?
How does a horse tow its trailer?
With a Ford Bronco.
Welcome to plastic surgery addicts anonymous.
I see a few new faces here this week and I must say I am very disappointed.