Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship
What kind of bugs live in clocks? Ticks!
Who called it a goat petting zoo...
and not Close Encounters of the Herd Kind?
What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.
Birds too love cheering on their soccer teams. They egg them on.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
"I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap." - Bob Hope
I only believe in 12.5% of everything the Bible says.
Which makes me an eighth theist.
What do you call money that grows on trees? Marijuana
Last Thanksgiving, I cut my hand with the carving knife so my idiot brother-in-law grabs my bloody wound and starts twisting it. I screamed, “Ouch! What are you doing!!”
He said, “I’m applying a turn-a-cut.”
What do you get if you cross a pelican and zebra? Two streets further away.
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
Did you hear about the troupe of gnome dancers that robbed half the city blind?
They had a good run, but the jig is up.
What did the vampire say to the vampire hunter that missed his heart.
Well wasnt that an unfortunate missed-stake.
The scientist was meticulous about his strawberry pies. He rounded up the protein content of his pie at 3.14.
What did the skeleton say when he went riding on his motorcycle?
- I’m bone to be wild!
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
What do you call a chicken looking at a bowl of lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What did one eyeball say to the other?
Between you and me, something smells.
What was the artist's favorite swimming stroke? The brushstroke.
“I suppose I will die never knowing what pumpkin pie tastes like when you have room for it.” —Robert Brault
Love is a sensation, caused by a temptation, to feel penetration, a guy sticks his location in a girl’s destination, to increase the population for the next generation. Did you get my explanation, or do you need a demonstration?
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Girl you're like my favorite Spotify playlist... No matter how much I wander I'd always come back to you.
Join us for a slice of fun.
What do you call a dog that likes to dig up bones?
A barkeologist.
Knock knock.
Come in.
“Monday, you're so jealous of my relationship with Sunday because I am so happy to see you leave!”
Skiing is believing!
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I Love All Pizza
Sausage ,Pepperoni, Or Cheese
Pizza Love
Its Forever
In My Heart
It Makes Life Better
Pizza Love
Pizza, Please?
I REALLY LIKE PIZZA
Sausage, Pepperoni, and Cheese.
(Camryn Noell)
I tried smoking pot once.
I choked on the handle.
“Leaders who don’t listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say.” – Andy Stanley
What is your mouth’s favorite exercise?
Burpees.
[Chips] This is what I call a chip shot.
Why did the computer go to the doctor? Because it had a virus!
Irish you a whole pot of gold!
Zombies are dead but they live with it.
I used to own a rabbit, but now he’s just some bunny that I used to know.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
What did the corn farmer give to his therapist?
An ear full.
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they’re shellfish.
How to determine the gender of your cat?
pour some milk in a bowl and place it next to the cat, if she drinks it, your cat is a female, but if he drinks it, the cat is a male
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
The boot black brought the black boot back.
Since all the hot ones are already taken, this is going to be your lucky night!
Did you just move from the subdominant to the supertonic? Because I think you’re my perfect counterpoint.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.