What should you put on the tomb stone of a mathematician?
"He didn't count on this."
I'm so good at being interrogated.
I can do it blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back.
Where do gorillas keep their beehives?
Apeiaries.
Join us for plenty of play action.
Dolly Parton partially funded Moderna's COVID Vaccine.
It comes in two very large dosey-doses.
Rudder valve reversals
If you were here, Abby all over you
Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do get if you cross a duck and Santa?
A Christmas Quacker.
My brother is a real estate agent. He greets me with, "Hey bro, house it going?"
"Worried about an IRS audit? Avoid what's called a red flag. That's something the IRS always looks for. For example, say you have some money left in your bank account after paying taxes. That's a red flag."
― Jay Leno
"I just can't take the bad lovemaking anymore".
I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!”
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.
Hey would you believe me if I said I was bitten by a crocodile?
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
My grand father always said "fight Fire with Fire".
He was a great man but a terrible Fireman
It might take a village to raise a child...
but it only takes a viking to raze a village.
I hate it when planes don't have free WiFi.
It drives me bored air line crazy.
Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...
but they needed to sea mine.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
What happened to the cat that went to the flea circus? She stole the whole show.
You sleigh me.
Why are coyotes howling in the night?
Because they can only see the cactuses in the day.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What is a tiny cell phone called? A microphone.
What do you call a snake that builds things?
A boa constructor.
What pickup line did the flower use on Tinder?
Are you a DAMNdelion?
Have you heard the joke about the butter? I better not tell you, it might spread. How do baseball players stay cool? They sit next to their fans.
The thing about milk-inspired puns is you only reach 2% of their potential.
What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.
You make miso happy.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
How do you get dragon milk?
Find a cow with no back legs
You know you’re getting old when…
There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
What do you call a bad cheese grater?
A cheese lesser.
My neighbors are listening to great music.
Whether they like it or not.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle?
“An Orange County Chopper.”
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.
Since the bartender is not a chemist, he has no idea that H2O2 is the chemical formula for hydrogen peroxide, and gives both chemists a glass of water. Expecting that one to end a little differently, too? If you’re unfamiliar, this is the (rather dark) way that joke usually ends. Plus, check out some more brainy and hilarious science jokes.
Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in!
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Why do trees always hold grudges? Because they never fir-get.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
I fence-y you.
I live on top of the mountain and i usually have 99 problems
But the beach ain't one
If practice makes perfect and perfect needs practice, I’m perfectly practiced and practically perfect.