The two of us go perfectly together like hydrogen and oxygen.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
What do we get when we mix an iPhone and a Christmas tree? A pine – apple!
As a refrigerator technician, after a hard day on the job, I like to relax...
And chill out.
John, look me in the eyes. All of my life I needed a strong, good looking, confident man and you
are the one who can help me find someone like that.
What’s a whale’s favorite James Bond movie?
A License To Krill.
How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail? Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."
What do you call police obsessed with keeping good grass?
Lawn-Forcement
What plant do both Spaniards and French agree is the best?
Seaweed.
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. Hearing that really lifted a weight off my chest.
What is a koala’s favorite soft drink? Koka-Koala, of course!
What do you call a cow that has 2 legs? Side of beef
Do you have a Bandaid? Cos I just scraped my knee falling for you.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
“Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.”
E. B. White
Why did the cranberries turn red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
“If summer had one defining scent, it’d definitely be the smell of barbecue.”
— Katie Lee
You must be a 90º angle. ‘Cause, you’re looking right!
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
What happens when fish start an addiction to worms?
They get hooked.
Hey girl, I'd give you my heart but I already gave it to Jesus.
You can have my number though.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What is the most musical part of your body?
Your nose because you can blow and pick it.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
Deja brew all over again.
You know you’re getting old when…there is nothing left to learn the hard way.
What’s an elephant’s secret talent?
They’re great at multi-tusking.
Why don't boats have funerals?
They have wakes.
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Déjà.
Déjà who?
Knock Knock!
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
Bernadette.
I used to be engaged to a girl with a wooden leg.
But I broke it off.
Chuck Norris can speak French... In Russian.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
"There is nothing better for the spirit or the body than a love affair. It elevates the thoughts and flattens the stomach." — Barbara Hower
When you're crying, nobody notices your tears.
When you're worried, nobody feels your pain.
When you're happy, nobody sees your smile.
But fart just one time...
Are you French? I want to take a french kiss from you.
You have a body like the North Star. Wise men will follow it.
I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.
You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.
“Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.”
What is ice cream’s favorite TV show?
Game of Cones.
What did the plate say to the refrigerator?
"Stay cool. Dinner's on me"