I like New York, unique New York, I like unique New York.
What do you call a funny snake?
Hissssssterical.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
What do you call a kangaroo that asks for seconds on ramen?
A more-soupial
Ana hits a lot of floating shots that her opponents destroy for winners. We need to sitter down and have a talk.
Are you a burger? Because you can be the meat between my buns.
Gas rig men grilled by villagers - The Oxford Times
What is gray, hairy and lives on a mans face? A mouse-tache!
You can bet on firemen at the beach.
It's a shore-fire thing.
I'm waking up at 5am for hockey. But I would stay up all night for you.
My wife isn't talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday....
I don't know how I did that... I didn't even know it was her birthday!
My entire family keeps asking why I’m still single. Want to help me change that?
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What does a surprised pumpkin say?
OH MY GOURD!
There are two people who both claim to live in the building where Shakespeare wrote Romeo & Juliet. They should put a plaque on both their houses.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
Why do skeletons hate how wind feels? Because it goes right through them!
What do moon people do after they get married?What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honeyearth.
I lost my kid in the kitchenware section of Ikea today.
It was a pans labyrinth.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
Don't use the word "EGG" for your password...
It's very easily cracked.
I broke both my legs yesterday and now I have to use a wheelchair
I really can’t stand my situation right now.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
Why don't aliens get hungry after being blasted into space?
Because they've just had a big launch.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
Which hotel do mice most often use?
The Stilton.
The crow decided to dress up as Corvid-19 virus for the Halloween costume party.
What's the difference between a person that just won the lottery and a fairy in salt water?
One is tickled pink, the other is a pickled Tink.
When whisking something, do it with caution.
It’s whisky business.
I'm sorry but you need to pay your rent.
You've been living in my heart for quite some time now.
Did you hear about the colorful sea cow?
Oh the hue-manatee!!!
An American guy visits a friend in Scotland.
When he arrives at his friend's house, he asks "Can I use your Wifi?"
The friend looks a bit perplexed, but then he smiles and says, "Sure ye can, she's up th' stairs."
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What is bigger than a Christmas tree?
A Christmas four
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
I know an untidy guy who’s excellent at playing soccer.
What a Messi guy.
What do you get when you fart on your wallet?
Gas Money.
Baby dump trucks have the cutest name – they’re called dumplings.
“Remember: don’t eat the yellow snow.”
Why can't Bill Clinton go scuba diving?
He won't inhale.
A man is wanted for stealing tires off of cop cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Why didn’t the skull go to the dentist?
It was too-th late.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
"I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying."
- Oscar Wilde