What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

Sometime flamingos get fixated on one thing, and it can be hard to get them to see things from another pers-peck-tive.

“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell

What did the snowman and his wife put over their baby’s crib?
A snowmobile!

My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.

Dominic Pick-Up Lines

How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?

On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?

What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!

Did I just step into an E. M. Forster novel? Because any room with you in it is A Room with a View.

Hi, Cupid just called. He wanted me to tell you that he needs my heart back. Would you do that?

What do you call a broke santa? Give up yet? It's Saint-NICKEL-LESS.

Honestly, I really lilac you.

Why are ghosts such bad liars? Because they are easy to see through.

I'm acorn-y person.

Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.

Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.

"Today, you’re 50. Now we can round your age up to 100! Happy 50th birthday!" - Dave Barry"

How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?

The only way the mushroom could think of decorating his house was with toadstools.

I think therefore I yam.

What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!

What do we call two birds that are in love?
Tweet-hearts!

My love is like a fractal. It goes on forever!

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “It’s worth it to spend money on good speakers.”
That was some sound advice.

I'm Sneaky Bill, I'm terrible and mean and vicious,
I steal all the cashews
from the mixed-nut dishes.
I eat all the icing but I won't touch the cake,
And what you won't give me,
I'll go ahead and take.
I gobble up the cherries from everyone's drinks,
And whenever there are sausages
I grab a dozen links;
I take both drumsticks if
there's turkey or chicken,
And the biggest strawberries
are what I'm pickin';
I make sure I get the finest chop on the plate,
And I'll eat the portions of anyone's who's late.
I'm always on the spot before the dinner bell--
I guess I'm pretty awful
but
I
do
eat
well!

(William Cole)

A man named Martin Draw was campaigning for the Senate. He printed up shirts saying “I’m with Draw” to support his campaign. The next day, he wore the shirt to a tennis tournament. When he walked up to the tournament desk, the director handed him his money back and asked him why he couldn’t play.

Sometimes you have to green and bear it.

To beer or not to beer… That is the question.

Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.

How many insects do you need to make money from your rental property?
Ten-ants.

How can you drop an egg six feet without breaking it?
By dropping it seven feet. It won’t break for the first six.

Why do painters always fall for their models?
Because they love them with all of their art.

“Yoga pants. Because jeans are stressful and you don’t need that in your life.” -Unknown

“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”

- Penelope Lombard.

Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!

What do you call someone that's always stealing your heat?
A brrrglar!

This corn is a little rough to the touch. Looks like a job for Kernel Sanders.

Q. What is a popular search engine for ghosts?
A. GHOULgle!

Why do gnomes like baseball? Gnome Runs.

“When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life.”—Richard Lewis

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." - Jennifer Yane

As the birds fly south
I make reservations to
Go to Florida.

Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!

"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott

What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.

There are 3 rings in a failed marriage: engagement ring, wedding ring...
And suffering...

Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.

Why did the quarterback suddenly walk off the field?
The coach told him to take a hike!