“When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.”
- Erma Bombeck.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
“Is it Monday already? I’m almost positive I did not get my entire portion of the weekend.”
When life gives you mold - make penicillin.
How does Toucan Sam wear a belt?
He puts it through his loops
What do you call an animal you keep in your car?
A Carpet
Why are Ghosts in such good shape? Plenty of exorcise and a good die-t.
So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said "Si."
I like you a lily bit more every day.
Do you have an inhaler? Because you took my breath away.
Why was the conservative buffalo disappointed in his child?
He was a bison.
I’m positive I just lost an electron.
Better keep an ion that.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
“Spring is when you feel like whistling, even with a shoe full of slush.”
– Doug Larson
“A dog desires affection more than its dinner. Well—almost.”—Charlotte Gray
Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I have a gun, get in the van!
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An Investigator
I just heard some coyotes outside. I don't want to sleep a lone wolf tonight.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
"If you don’t drink, smoke, or drive a car, you’re a tax evader."
– Thomas S Foley
You really gotta hand it to short people, because they can't reach it on their own.
“If you eliminate smoking and gambling, you will be amazed to find that almost all an Englishman’s pleasures can be, and mostly are, shared by his dog.”
George Bernard Shaw
There was an Old Man with a owl,
Who continued to bother and howl;
He sat on a rail
And imbibed bitter ale,
Which refreshed that Old Man and his owl.
When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
You'd think seeing a mermaid in real life would be terrifying, but it wasn't half as bad.
What does a mom of a football fan hate the most?
A messi room.
I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.
As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.
"Husbands are like fires - they go out when unattended." - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I loaf you.
No one laughed at my milk jokes. They said they were too cheesy.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.
I’m sure it’s saucer ‘E’.
Unlike fairy tales, the stories of Egyptian mummies always goes from riches to rags.
Child’s Death Ruins Couple’s Holiday
What do you call a snake that is trying to become a bird?
A feather boa.
Believe in your elf.
I surprised my friend as she was trying to steal another spine from a corpse...
She was takin' a back when taken aback!
Where do skeletons go hang out at night?
Anywhere, as long as it's a hip joint.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
If you must cross a course cross cow across a crowded cow crossing, cross the cross coarse cow across the crowded cow crossing carefully.
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why are frogs great outfielders?
Because they never miss a fly.
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not,” and promptly disappears.
What separates humans from dolphins?
The surface of the water.
Why are Christmas trees so clean? They know how to spruce things up.