Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.
Did you hear the new pop song about Covid?
...it's pretty catchy.
Why was the Copper Mountain skier taken to the emergency room?
He hurt his ski bum.
I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D
Why are geologists great dates?
They can make your bedrock.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.”
Cullen Hightower
The divorce lawyer told me to get my affairs in order.
I said, "alphabetically or by age?"
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
I'm not a very good swimmer, do you have any lifeguard experience?
Chuck Norris is a coward!
If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my key
What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
What does a koala do before making any kind of appointment? He always checks his koalander.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
Where do elves vote?
The North Poll.
My Karate teacher is getting a divorce.
He is a great Sensei, but he's not very skilled at the marital arts.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
“Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences.” — Isadora Duncan
“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.”
– Winston S. Churchill
“A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. Unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.” – Fats Domino
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
What’s a deer’s favorite place to get ice cream?
Deery Queen.
Why did the skeleton go to the dance?
To see the boogie man.
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
"Every bunny was kung fu fighting."
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
I squeezed the innards of a pumpkin into a glass, and the result was just beautiful
In fact, it was gourdjuice.
Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Everyone was spot on, you really did make a great theatre lighting tech.
Turns out my dad who’s a locksmith still has to go to work during lockdown.
He’s a key worker, you see.
Did you hear about the spoon? It caused quite a stir!
What’s a missionary’s favorite type of car?
A convertible.
“I Thought He Was Going to Kill Me”: One Woman’s Harrowing Misunderstanding of How Haircuts Work
Are you looking for a shallow relationship?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
If you can think of a better fish pun than me
Then let minnow.
Why don’t we use some Fourier analysis on our relationship and reduce to a series of simple periodic functions?
“It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.” —Phyllis Diller
One day a blond walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor asked her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I picked up the iron instead of the phone by mistake.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other?"
"The bastard called again."
How does Santa look after the grass on his three gardens? Ho, ho ho.
Sorry I didn’t get you any chocolates for valentines day...
But if you want something sweet,I’m right here