So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens didn’t exist yet.
I like 25 letters of the alphabet
But I love U.
Why did the frog make so many mistakes?
It jumped to the wrong conclusions.
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.
But the contractor kept cutting corners.
Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? He didn't even leave a note.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Which element is a member of famous rock band?
Hg
Are electrons pessimistic or optimistic?
Obviously pessimistic, they are always negative!
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
Did you see that movie about King Kong, the giant ape?
The plot was pretty bananas.
My d**k is committed to you, but my heart is not.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people."
— Orson Welles
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
What did the rainbow say to the pot of gold? You'll be the end of me.
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Why does the spinal cord belong in the brass section of an orchestra?
Because of its dorsal and ventral horns.
Is plate throwing a trully Olympic sport?
Discuss.
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
Can I be Candide with you?
Some guy with cancer insulted my hair today.
Bald words for someone without it.
What do you call two rabbits racing down the road? The fast and the furriest.
Why do you cry, Willy?
Why do you cry?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy?
Why, Willy? Why?
What happened when the cargo ship full of books sank?
It caused a title wave!
An idea is one of the worst killers of vampires. They don't see it coming, and then it dawns on them.
What is it like to get paid smoldering at the camera while wearing expensive clothes?
If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.
What do you get when you cross a cat and a sloth? A slow leopard.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I’m a goat.
How long has this been going on?
Since I was a kid.
Why did the hunter miss his mark?
He was not aiming deerectly for it.
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
What do snakes use to clean their car windows?
Windscreen vipers.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
What does the parrot get at the end of a restaurant meal? The bill!
Why did Julius Caesar go to the dermatologist?
Because he had so many lesions.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Scientists transformed a tiger into a horse.
Don't worry, it's in a stable condition.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.
Why was the piglet whining.
He was boared out of his brains.
What hairstyle did Moses get at the hairdressers?
A middle parting.
What do you call a guinea pig that has become a member of the mafia?
A hamster
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”