"People drink on cruises so that they think the swaying is normal."

Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious

What did the teacher do with her student's report on the history of cheese?
She grated it.

How do you make an apple turnover? Push it down hill.

Why are vampires like false teeth?
They come out at night.

You’re not 50 years old, you are 20 years old with 30 years of experience!

Am I cute enough yet? Or do you need more to drink?

Q. Where do Midwest does prefer to give birth?
A. Deerborn, Michigan.

We got the news of a coming flood today. The news was leaked.

If I could rewrite the alphabet, I would P on U.

Newscaster Dad: And now, here is John with the weather.
Weatherman: It’s Jim, actually.
Newscaster: My apologies. Here’s John with the Jim.

“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill

Girls!
They protect you!
Mind you, correct you!
In ways you never thought of,
They enslave you, caress you!

You do whatever they say,
Sometimes they confuse you!
Right then it gets real bad,
Misconceptions they kill you!

You give them all,
You’re taken to the mall,
Spend all your money,
Until you fall!

They flirt, tiny skirts!
Eyes blink, you’re alert!
Black magic, their mastered skill!
New guys like contraception pills!

Some naughty, some innocent,
What lies deep inside,
Is the killer sense!
Oh they messed me up!

Damn I now trust this bub,
Sitting here golden cheers!
Girls! Girls! Girls!

(Fiazio)

I expected some baggage with our relationship but I didn’t expect the cargo of the Titanic to come floating to the surface.

What is small, has a long tail and works with the police?
A gerbil shepherd dog!

Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock

You’re my soul Santa.

Basketball players are not that patient to follow-through an elaborate court-ship procedure.

I told my husband I'd missed the bus.
He asked me what I was trying to hit it with.

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

I went to a wedding of two nuclear technicians.
The bride was radiant and the groom was glowing.

I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"

The French real estate agent was very upset when their new listing was destroyed.
He said it was chateau-strophic!

You have the prettiest smile I have ever seen.

Why do worms taste like chewing gum?
Because they’re wrigleys!

My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."

I don’t want your candy, what I really want is your number.

Being shellfless entails volunteering at the relief center during disaster.

“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.” – Nate Smith

I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless

Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
Because she broke the record.

Hey baby, I just found out our shirts were manufactured in unfair working conditions; let's take them off.

Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.

I sat on some peas in the car. It was a bumpea ride.

Did you hear what happened when the decorator painted his wife with cheese? He double Gloucester!

How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.

Which Bible Character is a locksmith?
Zaccheus.

Did the Lord take the thunder from the skies, and put it in your thighs?

I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.

Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?

I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.

Happy St. Cat-rick’s day!

No matter how kind you are...
German children are kinder.

What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.

You smell... We should go take a shower together.

My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.

Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.

Almost dropped a plate of Alphabeti Spaghetti. That could have spelled disaster.

I wood never leaf you.

What did the cheese say to the other cheese? I smell something swiss-picious!

Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Because they don’t have any pockets!