What kind of tea do babies drink? Tit Tea.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
I am disappointed that you are taking such a closed-stance on my footwork advice.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
I wasn’t all that interested in gardening, but I planted a few seeds, and it grew on me.
I'm pretty sure all history teachers are necromancers
They only care about the dead.
What do you call a thirsty camel ?
A dry humper.
I know I’m a perfect stranger, so let me introduce myself. I’m Ted. See? Now I’m just perfect.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Why did the game warden arrest the ghost? No haunting license.
I recently ran a charity marathon to promote greener earth, but the run left me a little jaded.
Five syllables here.
Seven more syllables here.
Are you happy now?
I saw a sign earlier that said, "Free Range Eggs."
I've never heard of Range Eggs before but at least they were free so I took some.
Books are my kind of texts.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
Cooking a Hawaiian pizza and don't want to burn it?
Be sure to cook it at aloha temperature.
What came first, the alligator or the crocodile?
The dinosaur.
Do you mind if I slip my rope under your route?
“Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.”
– George Burns
The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
So my daughter is calling me all excited. I come by her room to her holding her cup above her head and says "Dad look..."
"I'm breathing underwater."
You are so beautiful that you made me forget my pick up line.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
A man says to his friend, “I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.”
The friend says, “Why not?”
The man says, “I don’t like to interrupt her.”
What do you call a self-obsessed egg?
An eggomaniac.
I feel like a Christmas tree when you talk to me because I light up.
What is the reproductive area in South America? Spermatagonia.
My TV hates the outside world.
Whenever it faces outside it just glares.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
I need an Imodium because I can't hold in my love for you.
Where does seaweed look for a job?
In the kelp-wanted section.
Don’t go bacon my heart.
What do you call an ancient Egyptian chef?
Gordon Ramses.
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Charlotte, would you char-let me rock your world?
What kind of makeup do zombies wear?
Mas-scare-a.
What’s a golf clubs favorite type of music?
Swing.
What did the ghost who crashed the Halloween party say? - I’m here for the boos!
What does a snail wear to go dancing?? Escargogo boots.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
“I like long walks especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.”
Fred Allen
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
What did the football player say to his Chinese son
Go Long!
What do you call a lie told by a skeleton?
A fibula.