What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
Are you a beaver? Because I like your tail.
I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.
My partner got mad when she found so much spam on my computer.
She said, "Food belongs on a plate!"
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
What was the dog’s favorite book?
Winnie the Pooch. He loves to read a lot of story tails before bed.
What was the snail doing on the highway? About one mile a day!
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
How do old witches get good bargains?
They hag-gle.
Who’s the penguin’s favorite Aunt?
Aunt-Arctica.
What do you call a truck-load of tortoises crashing into a train-load of terrapins?
A turtle disaster.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What’s the best dessert to serve at a St. Patrick’s Day party?
Paddy cake!
Where do ski instructors keep their money?
In the local snow bank.
What do you call a tiger who always gets the same grades as one other person? A tie-ger.
"Standing on a Chair"
I’m standing on a chair!
I’m standing on a chair!
I don’t know why Mom’s worried
I’m just standing on a chair!
You’d think she’d be freaked out
By the lion in my room
But seeing shoes on fabric
Is what makes her fume.
I bath with toxic jellyfish.
I ride a crocodile.
But if I’m on the sofa then
Her mood becomes hostile.
I often sleep with scorpions
And wrestle with a bear.
I don’t know why Mom’s worried.
I’m just standing on a chair!
– Steve Hanson
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
I Tour de Francy you.
My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving Day jokes.
I told them I couldn’t stop cold turkey
Whoever said that chunky-knit sweater coats were ugly is both a fool and a liar.
Why is it good to drink witch's brew?
It's very newt-tricious!
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
What is fruity and burns?
The grape fire of London.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
What is a dessert called with an extra chromosome?
A chocolate downie.
When the well-read bird decided to open a restaurant, he named it Red Robin.
What is a computer's favorite animal?
A RAM.
I hope the only things that blow are candles and balloons. Have a great birthday!
"I'd walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire, that would be dangerous. But a super humid room... but not too humid because, you know... my hair."
— Unknown
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What kind of pasta do skeletons enjoy eating the most?
Elbow macaroni.
My wife treats me like a God – every evening at dinner I get a burnt offering.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
My love for you is as crazy as mad cow disease.
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
I saw a headline in the newspaper that said someone made a bomb out of nitrous oxide.
This is no laughing matter.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Police.
Police who?
Police stop telling these awful knock-knock jokes!
Is your name flecainide? Because you just made my heart skip a beat.
Can I wear your plaid flannel when I make you breakfast tomorrow morning?
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?
They prefer to wing it.
I know this bird who was excluded from his flock for being too big
He was ostrich-sized.
How did the astronaut die?
exposure to Mercury.
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth