What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?
PRIME-mates.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What do you call an evil lemon?
Sour On
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
When you’re alone in Germany being approached by a group of old men
You have to fear the wurst.
Looking for a boyfriend in engineering: the odds are good, but the goods are odd.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
Free Wifi!
Why? Was Mr. Wifi wrongfully accused or something?
I hate oranges. Will you be my main squeeze?
Writers are cold because they’re surrounded by drafts.
What do you call two fat people having a chat? A heavy discussion.
What do you get when you cross a smurf and a cow?
Blue cheese.
Is your name Wi-fi? Because I'm really feeling a connection.
What would a self deprecating wardrobe say?
"I hate my-shelf"
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Alfie
Alfie who?
Alfie terrible if you leave!
Why are candles lit on top of birthday cakes?
It’s impossible to light them on the bottom
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Why couldn’t the clownfish buy a house?
The fish could not buy a house because he didn’t have an-e-mon-e!
Did you hear Ireland is the fastest-growing country in Europe?
Its population is always Dublin.
What do you get when you cross a vampire bat and a computer?
Love at first byte.
I used to search for clams on the beach
But then I pulled a mussel.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
Man wins award after he died eating appetizers at a Mediterranean restaurant
It was a Post-Hummus award.
"Reti or not, here I come!"
Would you allow me Du-bai you a drink?
Why did the bear quit his job at the daycare center?
It was panda-monium.
You must be a bowling ball since you’re right up my alley.
To all ya'll without tap water,
Get well soon.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
What’s that feeling you get every month when the mortgage is due?
Homesick.
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?
A Cairo-practor.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Did you hear about the croc and rooster that had a kid together?
It was a crocadoodledoo.
I know, I’ll never have a chance with you but will you give me a chance to hear an angel talk?
You’re so beautiful, I can heartly believe my eyes.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
I'm so glad our Billy inherited his mother's intelligence
...and I got to keep mine.
What do llamas always say when they introduce themselves?
“Fleeced to meet you.”
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
Girl, have we both been rendered sightless? Because we ain’t seeing each other anymore.
I once had my identity stolen by a cement truck driver. It took me ages to track him down, but now I have concrete evidence.
What happens if you break the brain scanner?
I cannot think of anything sweeter than chocolate than - oops! of course, there is you!
Nice life preservers.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
These decorations are tree-mendous.
How do yetis stay regular?
They always know wendigo.