I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
What do you call a dead flamingo?
A flaminghost.
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
What do you call it when vegetables have siblings?
Pumpkin.
Your love is so crisp
As wafer in the pack
You know your love is
My favourite snack
Oh, Please I was just kidding
Now, you don’t need to smack.
(Unknown)
Why did the banana fail his driving test? He kept peeling out.
If coloured caterpillars could change their colours constantly could they keep their coloured coat coloured properly?
"Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough."
Why do Christians in Japan always put an extra cup at the table?
For God's sake.
"No eggs-cuses."
Why is it easy to spot a Cinderella-fish? They have glass flippers!
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Although knights were considered protectors of the realm, they sometimes did get involved in the politics of their time. This was because the knights followed knight-wing politics.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
"At my age ‘getting lucky’ means walking into a room and remembering what I came in for." - Unknown
Why did the submarine driver lose his job
Old, racist tweets resurfaced
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
I love you and I ain’t lion.
“Money often costs too much." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson
It’s so cold I actually enjoyed someone spilling hot coffee in my lap.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
How do you get down from a tree? You can’t because down comes from ducks.
Are you a cigarette?
Because when I'm done with your butt I'm gonna throw it away.
Are you the 4th of July? 'Cause I'm feeling fireworks between us.
How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Why are Scandinavians the fastest runners in the world?
Because they start out near the Finnish line.
What did Dracula say to the priest who visited his castle?
Don’t you ever cross me!
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
I was surprised that although I was supposed to be feeling blue, my heart was not that heavy. Perhaps, I am feeling light blue.
Which type of dinosaur could jump higher than a house ? Any kind! A house cannot jump!
Roses are red, violets are blue, Antarctica is hot compared to you.
Whale, whale, whale…
If it isn’t a pod.
What's in the middle of Paris?
R.
If there was no gravity on this planet, I would still fall for you.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
They say that I’m not good enough for you,
And perhaps what they say just might be true.
They tell you to leave me and cast me aside,
To lock all the doors and kick me outside.
But I’ve got one last plea to say in the end,
I’m not the only one who forgot the name of his girlfriend!
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Hey summer, long time no sea!
God made rainy days, so gardeners could get the housework done.
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
How do you make seven an even number?
Just remove the “s.”
My sister asked me for some spider puns.
I told her to look them up on the web.
Why can’t you borrow money from a leprechaun?
They’re always a little short.
Q: What is a dentist's favorite animal?
A: A molar bear!