I’m throwing a COVID-19 party this weekend.
None of you are invited.
Your shirt has to go, but you can stay.
What’s a horse’s favorite dinosaur?
The broncosaurus.
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
If I had a dime for every time I heard this joke, I’d have a dime. Never heard this one before!
What has more lives than a cat?
A frog because it croaks every night.
You dropped something. My jaw.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
“Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?”—Groucho Marx
What two animals get stuffed on Thanksgiving? Turkeys and people after Thanksgiving dinner.
I asked the bartender for the WiFi password but he told me to buy a drink first. So I ordered a Moscow Mule and asked him again. He handed me a card with the password. It said:
"Buy a drink first" ... no spaces, all lowercase."
I just found out my Husband is a Ghost. I realised the moment he walked through the door.
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
How did Ozymandias became the greatest Pharaoh of Egypt?
He rammed everything that he sees
Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
“As a child my family’s menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.”
Buddy Hackett
Ireland you money, if you’ll pay me back.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.
I didn't want to believe my husband was robbing golf courses...
But I couldn't ignore the red flags!
Why does a milking chair only have three legs?
The cow has the udder.
There was a professor named Chesterton
Who went for a walk with his best shirt on
Being hungry, he et it
But lived to regret it
And ruined for life his digestion.
Why was the skeleton a success at work?
He had a head for business.
Golf balls are like eggs…
They’re white, they are sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more.
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
My son accidentally smashed his foot on the table and as he was hopping around the room screaming in pain, I rushed to the phone, picked it up and asked him, "Do you want me to call..."
"...a TOE TRUCK!!??"
Do you like free samples?
Why wasn't the hunter allowed to bring his antelope and buffalo with him on the plane?
You're only allowed one carrion.
“The Government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend upon the support of Paul.”
– George Bernard Shaw
Why did the belt get arrested? He held up a pair of pants.
It’s a good thing we’re bad at puzzles because there is no way we’re putting this shit back together.
What do you call a cat teacher? A purr-fessor
I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!
What did the deer say to his funny friend? You’re deer-larious!
Can I tie your shoes? I don’t want you falling for anyone else.
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Jack is a lovable man with a colorful personality. He is a great hue-man.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
“Good morning. Keep calm and pretend it’s not Monday.”
It's not that I don't want to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Woody Allen
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.
Shocking isn't it.
One day I saw a squirrel burying lotto tickets under a large bush, so I asked him what he was doing.
He told me he was hedging his bets.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
“Beaver do better work than the Corps of Engineers.”
- Mike Todd.
277 lbs here on Earth is 105 lbs on Mercury. No, I’m not fat. I’m just on the wrong planet.
"Mom, when will I get lipstick like the other girls at my school?"
"You are not like the other girls, Dave."