"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Why wouldn’t the Pharaoh let the Hebrews go?
He was in ‘de Nile.
I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.
Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
I’ve never understood fog machines.
They mystify me to this day.
Where can you find a bunch of clowns who deserve to be in jail? Silly Con Valley.
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. Garbage is dumped, now so are you."
I've always considered mountain plateaus to be the highest forms of flattery.
What was written on a knight's headstone?
Rust in peace.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
I have bean thinking about you.
What do you call the Frankenstein of the Gardening world?
An A-botan-ation.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
How can you tell a sword is a knights favorite weapon?
He doesn't use a lance a lot.
When I woke up from my accident, I was shocked when the doctors told me I broke all my fingers.
It was hard to grasp.
You never realize how time flies when you are not wearing a watch on a plane.
What do you calla watermelon that just won’t stop committing crimes? A watefelon.
What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!
What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
What vegetable is kind of cool?
The Radish.
Who makes dinosaur clothes? dino-sewer.
“Did you nap after eating the Thanksgiving meal? Or did you pass out like you were shot by a tranquilizer gun?” — Jim Gaffigan
What kind of party is held in a cornfield?
A cornball!
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
Why were Native Americans in America first?
They had reservations.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
My wife drives like lightning.
I don't mean she drives fast - she hits trees.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!
What is the opposite of a flamingo? The answer is, a flaminstop.
What does the like to parrot wear to the beach? A beak-ini!
Why are Minotaurs always broke?
Because their loan sharks are always milking them dry!
Doctor: Your brain seems to have deleted all info about 80s music!
Man: Yikes! What’s The Cure?
Doctor: Darn, it’s worse than I thought.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
Why did an agent decide to hide his realtor license?
Because he wanted to be a secret agent.
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
What do bony people use to get into their homes?
A skeleton key.
I'd got to bat for you, babe.
What happened when the drummer re-recorded his drum solo?
There were repercussions.
Why is the taste of moon rock better than that of Earth rock? Because it’s a little meteor.
What do crows take for their gut issues? crow-biotics.
What illness kept Avogadro in bed for two months?
Mole-onucleosis
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.