The guy who invented throat lozenges died last week.
There was no coffin at the funeral.
Recently I visited Germany. I hated everything in there. The people, the history, the language. But, oh god, the smell.
It was the wurst.
Why did the bank have the squirrel arrested?
He was foraging checks.
Excuse me, I believe one of your ribs belongs to me.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
Have you ever driven a boat? Try to park it on my dock.
Why wasn't the geologist hungry? He lost his apatite.
All you need is MY love
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Juno.
Juno who?
Juno I love you, don't you?
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!
Why was the old computer sad?
Because it had a floppy disk.
I want to start a deer breeding business…
But first, I’m gonna need about 5,000 bucks.
What tree makes fruit that tastes a lot like chicken? Poultree.
What do you call the dandruff found on unicorn manes? Horn flakes.
Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.
I made a pie with a can of peas in. Pea-can pie. It didn't taste how I imagined.
What did Hillary Clinton say when Bill wanted a new Saxophone?
"Not until you get rid of that HarMonica."
“Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.”
– Samuel Butler
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
If you're Russian when you go to the bathroom, and you're Finnish when you come out of it, what are you when you're inside?
European!
I started dating her when she backed her car into mine at the mall.
I guess you could say we totally met by accident.
When facing trouble in the workspace, all the colorists rallied together by saying, "Come what grey, we will overcome all obstacles!"
What does a pizza wear to smell good?
Calzogne.
"I’m so old that my blood type is discontinued." - Bill Dane
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Cow's that eat strawberries give strawberry milk.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born? To knock the penises off the smart ones.
What's all wet and likes to shake? It's an earthquake on a rainy day.
“Dogs teach us a very important lesson in life: the mailman is not to be trusted.”—Sian Ford
Why was the square dance fiddler arrested for smuggling?
Because of his contra band...
“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
~ Drew Carey
My wife just now: Do men's ears actually work or are they just for decoration?
Me: 'What?'
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Caesars.
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness and shenanigans.”
— Unknown
My Aunt with half a plate left: I don't think I can eat anymore, this meat is just not appealing to me.
Me: Have a potato, it has a peal.
Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Are you a flower? Because I'd love it if you planted one on me.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
A beaver told a joke about a waterfall. It was a pour joke.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
Haida there, gorgeous.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam