I always used to get small shocks when touching metal objects, but it recently stopped.
Needless to say, I'm ex-static.
What do you call a crocodile that likes to bowl?
An alley-gator!
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
What do you get when you cross a shark with a snowman?
Frostbite.
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
What do you call two kangaroos who live together?
Roo-mates.
Which musical group did Frankenstein not like at all?
The Village People.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
Who do elephants get their Christmas presents from?
Elephanta Claus.
Many mumbling mice are making merry music in the moonlight.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
What do volleyball players do when they go to church? Serve God.
What do you call the first person to kill someone with a gun?
First person shooter
What does an exhibitionist snake wear to the beach?
A pythong.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
What do you call an ant that moves to another country?
An emigr-ant.
What do you call a dinosaur with high heels? My-feet-are-saurus
“It doesn’t matter if you’re black or white… the only color that really matters is green.” – Family Guy
What do you call a cemetery for bears?
Bearial grounds.
Do you know what my shirt is made of? Boyfriend material!
Exasperated, I threw my hands up in the air and shouted at my wife, "I'm not a complete idiot!" She smiled at me and purred, "I know honey."
"Some parts are missing."
Why did the panda’s joke suck?
It was unbearable.
You’re my love and angel,
You’re my sugar and honey,
You’re my jewel and treasure,
I’m broke and in need money.
(Unknown)
- Knock, knock!
- Who's there?
- Turnip.
- Turnip who?
- Turnip the volume, this is my all-time favorite song!
When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.
Birthday candles don’t exercise because they burn out too quickly!
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
"Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks."
- Bauvard
What do you call a South American girl who is always in a hurry? Urgent Tina
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
What did the teacher say when he sent the naughty student out of the (mush)room? - You’re in big truffle young man!
What do you find when you swallow peas whole?
Inner peas
Any advice on getting a pet pig? Just be sure you get the pig of the litter.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
If we were playing tennis, I'd let you score all the points so I'll always be in love.
I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
How do you know when a drummer is at your door?
He speeds up when he’s knocking.
eople say they never get hungry at the beach
That’s because there’s sand, which is everywhere.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor
What do crows drink in order to stay awake? They drink cawfee.
“It wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without a little emotional scarring.” — Timothy Burke, “Friends”
Julius Caesar
Was a well dressed romaine.
Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house
Cold and wind don't dare come in.
What is the name of the onion ring that cannot but be funny? It is a Funyon!
What kind of insect is bad at football?
A fumble-bee.
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.