What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
What did the seal say to the walrus after dating him for three months?
I think we should sea otter people.
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
I would talk about Valentine’s Day
But it looks like I missed my date.
What do you get when you cross two fish with two elephants?
A pair of swimming trunks.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
There's a programme about the history of perfume on TV tonight.
It's on at 8pm on Chanel Number 5!
Were you a member of the Boy Scouts? You’ve tangled up my heart.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
Your smile is like a supernova. Brighter than anything in the universe.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
"Teaching kids to count is fine, but teaching them what counts is best."
— Bob Talbert
What do you call a werewolf escapologist?
Hairy Houdini.
My hypothalamus must be secreting serotonin right now because you’re making me happy!
Do you know how deeply I love you?
So deeply I don’t even need to finish this poem or even make it rhyme!
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Doris.
Doris who?
The Doris locked, why do you think I'm knocking?
Know what? I dig you, really!
"Hey dad, my electric toothbrush is broken!"
"No son, it's just gone acoustic."
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
I accidently sprayed deoderant in my mouth
Now every time I speak I have a weird Axe Scent.
Our church band is just two ladies on percussion...
It’s quite the CoNunDrum
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
It’s so cold the cosmetics counter at the local department store started selling cream for goosebumps.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position!
My parents used my Uber to go and file the application ending their marriage.
I gave the driver one star. He drove my parents to divorce.
You’re my lucky charm.
What's a girl like you doing in a place like this when there's a Battlestar Gallactica marathon on right now on the Sci Fi channel.
There was an Old Man who said, 'Hush!
I perceive a young bird in this bush!'
When they said, 'Is it small?'
He replied, 'Not at all!
It is four times as big as the bush!'
Want to show me how to make steamy greens?
Which keyboard shortcut doesn't work if you're incontinent?
Ctrl-P
Q. Which African animal is the oldest?
A. The zebra. 'Cause it's in black and white.
It’s so cold teenagers began to worry about getting goosebumps rather than acne.
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
Water you doing on [date]?
I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
Would you call a guy who’s eating corn while riding a unicycle a unicorn on the cob?
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
Her ex-husband had a heart attack after winning the lottery
But he'd neglected to update his will. She just couldn't bereave her luck!
When I asked my Teacher in History class if she could tell us more about Napoleon's origin, she replied,"'Course I can!"
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
"Real gardeners buy at least ten thousand plants in the course of a lifetime without having the least idea where they'll put any of them when they get home."
— Anonymous
What is the best way for fungi to grow? You must give it as mushroom as possible!
A scarecrow's favorite fruit to eat is straw-berry.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.