What's E.T. short for?
Because he's got little legs.
Are you British?
Cuz you just colonised my heart.
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
The thought of you makes me redder than the sands at North Shore.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
Why did bulb pack an apple in his bag?
He wanted to have a light snack.
What is a werewolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
How do you know flowers are capable of kissing?
They have tulips.
What do you call a serial killer watermelon? A slaughter melon.
Are you a stop watch? Because our time is up.
“I just wanna kick it in the woods with my birches.”
I’m a 30-60-90 triangle and you’re a 40-40-90 triangle – we’re just right for each other.
Why was the weightlifter upset?
She worked with dumbbells.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
Why didn’t Guns N Roses turn up for the gig when it was snowing?
Axel Froze.
"I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there."
- Jim Gaffigan
Q. Which kind of cheese is made fom deer milk?
A. Moose-erella.
What does a four-wheeled vehicle and a television have in common?
They’re both ATV
I asked a beaver out on a date. The beaver replied: “Gnaw.” I said: “Dam.”
Q: What did the judge say to the dentist?
A: Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What do penguins drink during the summer?
Iced tea.
Me: I'll have a Corona please.
Waiter: *Cough*
Me: Thank you.
My sister prefers taking the stairs, but I always take the elevator. I guess...
we are raised differently.
You know you’re getting old when…
People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”
Steven Wright
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
How many middle-hitters do you need to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but the the setter has to put it perfectly in their hand first.
Why should you take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains!
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
Thank you for making our relationship sweet rather than a rocky road.
What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.
Vikings aren't afraid of death.
They know they'll be Bjorn again.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Sorry, I don't believe in love at first sight. But I am willing to make an exception in your case.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
My love for you is like diarrhea. I just can't hold it in.
My coach told me not to get my heart rate over 160 today, but then I screwed up when I saw you!
I just love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.
How did the Roman senators picked who will be first to stab the emperor?
They played rock paper Caesar
I came, I thaw, I conquered.
Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.
Did you hear about the mother goat telling jokes?
She’s a real kidder.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
What do you give three-hundred-pound gorilla for his birthday?
I don't know, but you better hope he likes it.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
My heart is as desolate as Saskatchewan without you.
Are you a drill sergeant? Because you’ve got my privates on high alert.
“The best babysitters, of course, are the baby’s grandparents. You feel completely comfortable entrusting your baby to them for long periods, which is why most grandparents flee to Florida.”—Dave Barry
"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again."
What’s your sign? Mine is stop.
I don't like strong perfumes...
I guess I'm inscentsitive.