I barely noticed you in the winter months, you were missing from the sky.
Did you hear that the police arrested a pair of vampires?
They got them on two Counts of robbing a blood bank!
I saw my neighbor, slumped over his lawnmower, crying his eyes out.
I think he’s going through a rough patch.
My fat parrot escaped from its cage... To be honest, it's a weight off my shoulders!
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
We like to paddy.
"If God invented marathons to keep people from doing anything more stupid, the triathlon must have taken him completely by surprise."
P.Z. Pearce
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.
What do you call an old person with really good hearing?
Deaf defying.
What did the ancient roman dad name his fat newborn?
Voluminous.
Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
What should you give a deer when it gets stomachache?
Elk-a-seltzer.
I told my husband I was excited to see who's nose our baby has on the ultrasound.
He said, "He can't have my nose, I need it!"
Are you a red blood cell? Because you never fail in delivering what my heart needs.
What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
Don't be a jerk-o-lantern
You must be Saturn Because I feel attracted to you even when I’m a million miles away!
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
I've fallen in love with a pencil and we're getting married.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.
The village blacksmith finally found an apprentice willing to work hard for long hours. The blacksmith instructed the boy, “When I take the shoe out of the fire, I’ll lay it on the anvil; and when I nod my head, you hit it with this hammer.”
The apprentice did just as he was told. Now he’s the village blacksmith.
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus To 66
When was the last time you got a cute good morning text? Give me your number so we can fix that.
Why did the pillow cross the road?
It was picking up the chicken’s feathers.
This is the first year I’m not going to Italy because of the coronavirus.
Normally I don’t go because I’m poor.
These aren't your mom's puns, these are your sisters puns. Tam-puns
What do you call a Spanish goat with no hind legs?
Gracias.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
What do you call Chewbacca when he has chocolate stuck in his hair? Chocolate Chip Wookiee.
How do you make a werewolf stew?
Keep him waiting until the full moon!
Alligators ask lots of questions, they'd make great interri-gators.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
I'd run miles just to be with you.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Did you hear that the list of famous vampires had a startling omission?
They forgot to Count Dracula!
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
How do you tell the difference between a rabbit and a gorilla?
A rabbit looks nothing like a gorilla
Permit me to restructure the periodic table of elements and I would place U and I together.
"Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry"
– Maria Bamford
Why did the belt go to jail? Because it held up a pair of pants!
Why did the Russian vaccine cross the road?
To get to the other side effects.
Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
“Every mile is two in winter.”
Football pitches are almost always so wet. This is because soccer players dribble a lot.
Gold riddance.
What’s the great white shark’s favorite candy?
Jaw-Breakers.
What was the scariest prehistoric animal? The Terror-dactyl!
Why do vikings have barcodes on their ships?
Its so they can scan-de-navien
What problem do you encounter with twin witches?
You can never tell which is witch.