Why are bunnies always tired in April? Because they just finished a March.

Hey babe, are you the Mcdonald's Ice Cream Machine, because you just aren't working for me anymore.

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

If you were an element you'd be francium because you're the most attractive.

I’m Dublin down on what I said before.

What's the best dance to do on Thanksgiving? The turkey trot.

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'

The last one to the top of the mountain has to buy dinner.

Winter is un-brr-lieveable!

The Greeks make the best cheese
You feta believe it!

I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.

What is a car’s preferred TV program?

The Driving Dead.

“Stupid people will mistake your confidence for arrogance.”
- Habeeb Akande

Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.

"The world is divided into people who do things–and people who get the credit."
~ Dwight Morrow

What is the popular computer game that crows play? Caw of Duty!

Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.

If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Greece!
Greece who?
Are Greece and oil the same thing?

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”

Why can't mermaids use the letters A or B?
They only know what's below C level.

When does the moon gets his/her stomach full? During full moon.

Sandy was a chocoholic,
The worst I've ever seen!
If she didn't eat some daily,
She'd become crazy mean!

It didn't matter what kind it was,
Ice cream, cake, pie or candy,
As long as it was chocolate,
Sandy was fine and dandy!

Then one day the unthinkable happened,
To the chocolate loving miss,
While eating her favorite candy,
She choked on a chocolate kiss!

"Death by chocolate," the coroner concluded,
As to the cause of Sandy's death.
At least she died doing what she loved,
Eating chocolate til her last breath.

(Kim Merryman)

“I bought a calming tea but the smell and taste is making me nervous.”
― Unknown

"Old age is always fifteen years older than I am." - Oliver Wendell Holmes

“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.” – Phyllis Diller

Why don’t monkeys play cards in the jungle?
Because there are too many cheetahs.

What does Bigfoot say when he sees campers in sleeping bags?
- Yum, Hot Pockets!

Haikus confuse me
Too often they make no sense
hand me the pliers.

Are you from tenessee? Cause your the only ten I see.

What makes pirates such good singers?
They can hit the high Cs.

Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

Why did the clock in the donut shop run slow?
It always went back four seconds

Let’s list the froze and cons.

“The road to success is always under construction.”

When is a piece of wood made king? when its a ruler

Romeo & Juliet.doc...
...is a play on Word.

You must be a fossil because I would love to date you.

My sister bet me that I couldn’t make a car out of spaghetti
You should have seen her face as I drove Pasta

Did you hear the joke about the roof? I doubt you’d get it. It’s over your head.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.

What happens when it rains cats and dogs? You have to be careful not to step in a poodle!

Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.

Water you doing?

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

We seem to be into a lot of the same things, dogs included. We should get together sometime and see what we unleash.

Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!

Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.

Why did the cow fall down while being milked? Because the rug was pulled out from udder it.