"Wait. Why am I thinking about Krispy Kremes? We're supposed to be exercising."
— Meg Cabot

When the ghost family got in their car, the dad ghost told the kids to fasten their sheet-belts.

I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you

Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.

A redhead tells her blond stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian." The blond replies, "Oh my God. You slut. How many is a brazilian?"

"How many Taureans does it take to change a lamp? None. Taureans don't like to change anything."

You must be French, because you're looking really Nice tonight.

Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye?
A do-you-think-he-saur-us.

What kind of helmet does a hermit crab wear?
A shell-met!

A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."

What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!

Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.

What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.

What did the werewolf say when he sat on sandpaper?
- Ruff!

“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown

What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.

Taking a romantic ride today,
We sat upon the wagon.
Suddenly the horse lifted his tail
And we heard a roaring dragon!

The deafening sound hurt my ears
And the smell burned the hairs in my nose.
My girlfriend sat and glared at me.
Somehow my fault I suppose.

It was my idea to take the ride,
But how was I to know?
It really wasn't in my plans;
Didn't know the horse would blow.

The noise and the smell were bad enough,
As the wind blew quickly by.
But I think the very worst of it,
Was the brown stuff in my eye.

My girlfriend's face turned angry red.
So I figured I wouldn't dare,
Advise her of the smelly pieces
Of horse stuff in her hair.

The horse finally stopped; my girl ran away,
Stubbornly lifting her chin.
I think that horse was enjoying himself,
Cause I'm sure I saw him grin.

A lesson learned for me today.
Although I must confess,
I laughed so hard I nearly cried
As I wiped away the mess.

(by Annabel Sheila)

What does a frog order in Mcdonald's?
French flies and a diet croak.

What do you call an old snowman?
Water.

What did the rock say to the word processor?
Boulder.

Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.

The last thing I can remember was the yellow ball speeding toward me. I swung the racquet, and then things got fuzzy.

Why don't orphans make good baseball players?
Because they don't know where home is.

What's long, surprisingly bigger than expected, comes in different colors, and everyone wants a ride from?
A limousine.

You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.

My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!

“If the winter is too cold and the summer is too hot, you are not a hiker.”

Why did the blonde only tie one shoe? Because on the bottom it said "Taiwan" (Tie one)

We’re mint to be.

Pardon me for drooling, but without my jaw, I can't help myself.

Using vaccines is...
Antibody-building.

On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor

Why did the birdie go to the hospital? To get a tweetment.

Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.

A mixture of black, white, and red usually refers to a panda who has experienced severe sunburn!

Q: What did the young Pharaoh say when it got frightened?
A: Where's my mummy!!

Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"

What is the favorite chess move of ants with bladder problems?
En pissant.

I rarely put orange slices in my beer.
Once in a Blue Moon.

What’s the coldest fish in the sea?
A blue whale!

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.

A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”

“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

I don't like clouds. They're always throwing shade.

What do you call a talking kangaroo?
A quantum leap.

What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.

If I gave you my shoe, would you step into my life?

The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.