What do you call a martial artist who injured his leg?
Bruised Knee.

"It's funny when people think 'yoga people' are supposed to be calm. No. We're all here because we're nuts." — Unknown

How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!

What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?
It’s a pain in the neck.

What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.

To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.

Rattle-skattle skeletons
clitter-clack each bone
Shrieksome banshees circle
and werewolves howl and moan.
Sh-sh-shake and shiver spectres
weeshly whisk along the halls
while plumptious orange pumpkins
throw their shadows on the walls.
Double-trouble witchy twins
are cooking up commotion
with rosy poison apples
bib-bobbing in their potion.
Black cats hide in shadows
with topaz eyes ashine
whilst Mummies gently moulder
in the cellar with the wine.
SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRATCH! and RAT-A-TAT!
Zoiks! Zombies — in the street!
Halloweenies here to party —
and cackling:
TRICK OR TREAT!

- Sarah Ziman

An Iranian entrepreneur opened a copy shop.
It's called *Prints of Persia*.

How can you tell if you are looking at a police glow worm? it has a blue light.

Someone left their tea on my desk. It smells so good, but I won't drink it. That's just not my cup of tea.

There was news of a snowstorm. It arrived white on time.

Why did the horse never get cold?
It was a Dutch warmblood.

Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.
There would be mass confusion.

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

"A clever person takes notice of everything; a stupid one makes a comment about everything."
- Heinrich Heine

Did you fall from heaven? Because so did Satan.

"Woke up this morning with a terrific urge to lie in bed all day and read."
– Raymond Carver

What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.

What do Italians eat on Halloween?
Fettuccine Afraid-O

What's the difference between Wuhan and Las Vegas?
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.

Why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

My uncles petshop really started doing well when he started selling parrots. They literally flew off the shelves.

What do you call it when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?
A plane in the neck.

My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.

The apple says to the pineapple “What? Go out with you tonight? It will not happen in a million years!” Since then, we have a crushed pineapple.

I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.

"I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by."
~ Douglas Adams

I heard the history teacher got into a fight with the math teacher
He did a real good number in him.

I know I've never been all that attractive.
But lately every woman I try to approach avoids me like the plague.

My fire tonight...
Was lit!

Why did the kid keep falling off his bike? It had a banana seat.

One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
Think it’s the Chopin board.

Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!

Want to go shopping? Today only there's a special deal: 30% off on my heart!

What do you say when you are happy with how life has been weeks before Easter? It’s so far been an egg-cellent spring.

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? The outside.

How fast can a cave become vacant? At the drop of a bat.

What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.

What do you call a sheep covered in chocolate?
A candy baa.

Where does a baby monkey sleep?
In an apricot.

What is most gorillas' favorite book to study in English class at high school?
The Apes Of Wrath.

I went to an XXX Girls Show in Rome
There were just 30 girls...

Why did the cheerleader add extra salt to her food in the summer?
She wanted to do summer-salts.

Why did the elf use a duck to wake him on Christmas morning?
So he could be up at the quack of dawn!

I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty-second pause, I asked, "You still there, sweetheart?"
"Yeah," she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now"

What is the poshest breed of dog?
A Cavalier King Charles Spaniel.

How do you know if you are dealing with a smart zombie?
They are wearing helmets!

Why did the pumpkin cross the road? It fell off the wagon!