"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill

I don't think I need a spine.
It's holding me back.

How many snacks could a snack stacker stack, if a snack stacker snacked stacked snacks?

When I was younger, I dressed up as a frog and robbed a bank.
That was the first time that I Kerm-itted a crime.

Where do rocks like to sleep? In bedrocks!

Hey Adam… it’s Adam shame I don’t have your number yet

“A mistle-toast to the holiday season.”

The only reason i want to become a father is to make dad jokes all the time. Some people think I am kidding
But i’m dad serious

I've always liked Buffalo Springfield....
....For What it's Worth.

Super-duper storm troopers whoop it up at Death Star groupers: helmet thrashing, rebel bashing, laser blasting at party poopers.

Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...

What did the pony say to the Jedi Knight before she left on her adventure?
“May the horse be with you.”

My biggest problem with having three square meals a day is that all my plates are round.

Picking your favorite snack can be like picking the slowest turtle in the pack.

What do you call babies with guns?
Infantry.

What makes your mouth sad?
A tongue depressor.

It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.

The US army secretly trains pigeons to help overthrow hostile foreign governments.
It’s a military coo.

We make a great pear

What’s Irish and stays outside all year?
Patty O’Furniture

Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."

This s***ty toilet broke down again!

I know when I store files, my computer gets hungry. It starts telling me about the bytes I use and how many are remaining for him to fill up completely.

What do you call a woman standing in the middle of a tennis court?
Anette.

What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.

Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.

It’s lonely between Germany and Spain
Not many France, nobody’s Nice to me, everyone seems to be Lyon. It’s just Eiffel.

Why do you never see koalas wearing shoes? Because they love going bearfoot.

"So… Do you like cheese?"
- Duke, She’s The Man (2006)

"Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street." ~ Jay Leno

I would not be able to picture myself without having a camera phone.

When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.

You may be flightless but you make my heart soar.

What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !

All you need is MY love

Do scientists who study the sun have a flare for research?

What does a skeleton use to cut through objects?
A shoulder blade.

Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!

Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes

Miners Refuse To Work After Death

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

I gave my wife that new gorilla glue chapstick...🦍💄
It left her speechless

The shrubs were gearing up for a fight with the grass, but they never saw the blades come in.

It’s so cold sheep were demanding their wool back.

Oh no, I'm choking! I need mouth to mouth, quick!

Flat-Earthers hate the fact our planet is spherical, whereas Asgard is flat.
It's a Thor subject for them.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why are penguins good race drivers?
Because they’re always in the pole position.

I’m stuck on you like igloo.