I'm going around with a bent knife, so that when I'm short on time, I can cut corners.
I am fawn’d of you my deer.
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
I hate red eyes, but I would fly all night for you.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What do you do if your nose goes on strike?
Picket.
Excuse me… Do these shoes make me look fast?
Q. How do you describe a stinking filthy buck?
A. Deer-ty.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
You’re brew-tiful!
A sheep, an idiot, and a snake walk into a bar.
Baaaa dumb hisssssss.
I love you berry much.
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Judge: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Me: No.
Judge: *(covers mic)* What do I do?
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
“Last Thanksgiving, I shot my own turkey. It was fun. That shotgun going, blam! Everybody at the supermarket just staring. Why track them when I know where they are?” —Kenny Rogerson
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
How do you know a flmaingo has stolen your shoes?
Only one shoe is missing.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
In spite of all restrictions because of Covid, diplomats are allowed to travel freely across countries.
Because they have immunity.
I had four cans of alphabet soup.
Just had the largest vowel movement ever.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
I find bone puns very
Humerus.
Why don't birds make cell phone calls? They might accidentally wing the wrong number.
Where does a camel go after he's eaten his main course? He walks straight to the desert trolley.
Seven sleazy shysters in sharkskin suits sold sheared sealskins to seasick sailors.
What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to France from America?
Son, we are now Europeants!
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
“You make me melt.”
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
But his brother Frank was a monster.
How do you save a drowning mouse ?
Use mouse to mouse resuscitation !
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
The cost of the space program is astronomical.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
"Everyone should believe in something. I believe I should be on the beach drinking Margaritas."
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
Every time I see my vegetable girlfriend, my heart just beet faster.
That's right; I'm as breathtaking as the Sydney Tower.
Why did the pirate captain want to hire a baseball player?
He knew he had a chest protector.
Programmer.
A person who fixed a problem that you don't know you have, in a way you don't understand.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What's the difference between soccer players and NFL players?
Soccer players pretend to be hurt.
NFL players pretend to be innocent in court.
I met her in chat, she was neat,
her photo was pretty, petite.
we met for a meal,
I saw her for real,
I screamed and then ran down the street!
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
I only have ice for you.
I don’t understand why ear biting is a fetish
Almost everyone eats corn.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.