I've always wanted to become a podiatrist, but was made to train as a paediatrician first.
Baby steps.
What are the rules in zebra baseball?
Three stripes, and you're out.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
When where.
When where who?
Tonight, my place, me and you.
Why did the giraffe get bad grades? He had his head in the clouds.
Did you hear about the constipated engineer? He worked it out with a pencil. It was a natural log.
Why can’t the engineer be electrocuted? Because he’s not a conductor!
Why did the Sun never got into college? Because it already has quite a million degrees!
Was there a spark between Frankenstein and his bride?
Yes, he simply couldn’t resistor.
You have beautiful eyes. Oh, wait, those are your wings. Why you gotta be so scary?
Hi, my name's Pogo. Wanna ride on my stick?
Knock knock…
Who’s there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are?
I bought a pack of those animal shaped biscuits,
but had to take them back as the seal was broken.
“I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.” — Anonymous
What do you call it when dress up like a cowboy?
Ranch dressing
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
I'd definitely let you join in my reindeer games.
What does a giant Tyrannosaurus eat? Anything she wants!
Where do folks from Bilbao, Spain buy outdoor equipment?
The Basque Pro Shop.
Amal and Juan are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo in her wallet.
Because if you've seen Juan you've seen Amal.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
What is a parrot’s favorite game?
Beakaboo
Can anyone advise me what color my hair is?
I find it's a bit of a grey area.
“I am the only person in the world I should like to know thoroughly.”
– Oscar Wilde
Why did the spy cross the road?
Because he was never on your side.
Baby are you an angel? Because I'm a atheist.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to remove your colon
Me Why?
I’m putting an official ban on rabbit puns. They are not bunny anymore.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Nobody showed up to my 16th birthday party,
I congratulated him on his win against Polyphemus and we started the party.
“Almost every Aquarius is a rebel. Give them a guide and they won’t follow it. Tell them there’s a dress code and they’ll show up wearing nothing at all.”
— Alex Dimitrov and Dorothea Lasky
My dog hates the rain.
He doesn’t want to step in a poodle.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
“I can’t cook a Thanksgiving dinner. All I can make is cold cereal and maybe toast.” —Charlie Brown
What was the biologist wearing on his first date with a hot chick? Designer jeans.
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
What did the puppy say to his mum?
I woof you.
What various kinds of fishes live in space? Starfish.
What should you wear before driving?
The correct gear.
I just want to take you out to brunch and shower you with quiches.
Salami get this straight, you've stolen my heart.
Why was the Jack-o-Lantern sad on Halloween?
Because he felt empty inside.
What do you call a 5 foot hobo?
Whatever his name is.
Is everything wrong?
Are you the only one right?
Time to see a shrink.
What planet does a seal live on?
EARFFF EARFFF EARFFFF.
"In the morning a man walks with his whole body; in the evening, only with his legs."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson
If I had a garden I’d put your tulips and my tulips together
I've been thinking of U periodically.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
Crash courses for private pilots - The Daily Telegraph