How do zombies introduce themselves?
- Pleased to eat you.
Has the abominable snowman called?
Not Yeti.
Why does everyone paint Easter Eggs? Because it is a lot easier than wallpapering them.
What do you learn in witch school?
Spelling.
I’ve been meaning to make a list of bad railroad puns…but I keep getting side tracked.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
Toad.
Why can’t people hear your scream in the space? Because it’s miles away.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dozen.
Dozen who?
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
What do you name a knight who has been able to persevere through all the barriers in his way? A Sir Vivor!
How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see its wheels turning.
"You give me premature ventricular contractions. You make my heart skip a beat."
- Natalie Portman, No Strings Attached (2011)
I accidentally went to bed with my contact lenses in the other night.
My dreams have never been clearer.
In Greek Mythology, Chiron was not only half man and half horse, he was also a doctor of medicine
That made him the centaur for disease control.
Roses are red
I have a phone
Nobody texts me
Forever Alone.
The native Indians were laughing at the Pilgrims for being so pale and never getting a proper tan.
But they did get a tan. A puritan.
What's a frog's favorite game?
Croak-et.
How about we play a fun game called Haida totem pole?
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
What did the fisherman say to the card magician? Take a cod, any cod.
Why did the mother cow give the sleepy baby cow a hammer?
He wanted her to hit the hay.
Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very challenging?
Because they always knew X was 10.
Why did the parmesan swipe left on the cheddar?
His pick-up line was too cheesey.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Why do referees always hurry to catch their next flight? Because it's "two
minutes 'fore boarding!"
"How do you shoot a killer bee?" "With a bee bee gun."
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
A duck walks into a bar, the bartender says, “What’ll it be?” The duck doesn’t say anything because it’s a duck.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
My printer just told me it was joining a band.
Makes sense since it lives to jam.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?
He heard the referee calling fowls.
How does an antisocial crow say about a family party? "It was murder".
Keep Your Friends Close, Your Utility Keys Closer.
Q. What did the witch get when she crossed a doe with a tornado?
A. A whirling deer-vish.
What do sailors buy to customise the back of their ships?
Aft-ermarket parts!
If they could prove cell phones give deadly radiation
You could say to people you don't like "cant talk right now, you're giving me cancer".
My neighbor came over to say,
Although not in a neighborly way,
That he'd knock me around,
If I didn't stop the sound,
Of the classical music I play.
Why do chickens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they’d break.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Believe in your elf.
You're my missing ingredient.
If you don't focus on learning your lines for the production, I shutter to imagine what the reviewers will snap about.
“Business is the art of extracting money from another man’s pocket without resorting to violence." ~Max Amsterdam
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
Silly sheep weep and sleep.
What do you call an Irish proctologist?
Colin O'Scopy.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
My husband was allergic to my cat so I knew I had to get rid of him… so I’m looking to rehome Gerry, he’s thirty-five and works in accounting!