Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her off her feet.
My bowing arm is pretty sore… Because you just made my tremolo.
The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.
“No animal, according to the rules of animal-etiquette, is ever expected to do anything strenuous, or heroic, or even moderately active during the off-season of winter.” — Kenneth Grahame
Why did the computer parts salesman quit?
He lost his drive.
Whoever lives by the sword shell die by it.
It's so cold that you have to break the smoke off your chimney.
My dad told me to finish his bird painting. He painted the head, torso and legs.
To be honest, I just winged it.
Daughter's boyfriend introduced himself to me and said "Hi sir I'm david, nice to meet you".
He put out his hand and I said "David are you nervous?" He said no, so I grabbed his hand looked him in the eyes and said...
"Then why are you shaking?"
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
The big cat was known around town to wear a lot of funky ties. Everyone called him the tie-ger.
"I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth."
Anonymous
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Me me mo mi get me a mole,
Mo mi mo me send me a toe,
Fe me mo mi get me a mole,
Mister kister feet so sweet,
Mister kister where will I eat !?
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
The superconductor left without resistance.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
Thing is, I couldn’t find a manual.
"Like gum to a shoe, you’re stuck with me and I’m stuck with you."
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
"Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing." — Helen Rowland
"You crack me up."
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
Q: How does a tiger stop a video?
A: By pressing paws.
“Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.” — Homer Simpson
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.
When astronauts die, the local papers run an orbituary.
How are bad school grades like a shipwreck in the Arctic Ocean? They're both below C level!
why did the spoon show up dressed as a knife ?
Invitation said to look sharp.
Why did the bat often use mouthwash? She had bat breath.
What's the best way to stuff a turkey? Serve him lots of pizza and ice cream!
What are you doing hanging out in aisle 3? You clearly belong in aisle 9. Aisle 10 is within arm's reach but that all depends on whether or not you'll have dinner with me.
What did the Gorilla say to his friend when he called him back on the phone?
You-Rang-a-Tang?
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?
Because they don't have pockets.
What newspaper do cows read?
The Daily Moos.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Baby, you better get out of that express lane, 'cause you're all that *and* a bag of chips.
“Parents of newborn babies are basically hostages in their own house with a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome.”
- Nate Smith.
What kind of key opens a banana? A monkey!
Why couldn’t the Thanksgiving entertainment band perform?
Somebody had eaten the drumsticks.
Sasquatch often gets mistaken for Bigfoot.
Yeti never complains.
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
Why did the pig go to the casino?
To play the slop machine!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
"The best way to garden is to put on a wide-brimmed straw hat and some old clothes. And with a hoe in one hand and a cold drink in the other, tell somebody else where to dig."
- Texas Bix Bender, Don't Throw in the Trowel
What's grey, beautiful and wears glass slippers?
Cinderella-phant.
New electric trains will run on conductors.