We have always been in turtle awe of her artistic skills.
What do you call a zombie in pajamas?
The sleepwalking dead.
September and October are considered to be the best months of the year, I say this from the b-autumn of my heart.
What do you call a happy penguin?
a Pen-Grin!
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
If you get married out on sea or in a boat...
is that a row-mance?
It’s so cold that when I needed an anesthetic, the dentist told me to stick my head out the hospital window.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
What’s the self-care mantra of elves after the holiday season ends?
“Treat yo’elf.”
Q. Which famous magician always wore a multi-color suit on stage?
A. Hue-dini.
What do you call a camel that looks the same from both directions?
A palindromedary!
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know."
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
What should you wear when you play against the National Volleyball Team? Football helmets.
Did you hear about the football team that drafted a vending machine?
They really needed a quarter back!
It’s so hot I discovered my seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.
I asked my musician friend if he plays by ear.
He said, "Yes, it's a violin. That is how you hold it."
“You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’”—Dave Barry
You’re wine in a million.
Asked a pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?"
During our journey through the savanna grasslands, we kept track of time with the help of an hour-grass.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
What do you get if you cross a teddy bear with a pig?
A teddy boar.
It’s so hot all chocolate is hot chocolate.
Who do you call a pig who can paint like a great artist? Pablo PIGcaso.
Q. What do you call an entertaining gorilla eating a banana?
A. Ape peeling.
What's your name? Because I'll be screaming it all night long.
There was a young lady of Lynn,
Who was so excessively thin.
That when she assayed,
To drink lemonade,
She slipped through the straw and fell in.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
“I finally know what distinguishes man from other beasts: financial worries.” – Jules Renard
The peach started acting all funny because it was really fuzzy.
My hair was acting crazy so I told it to comb down.
A cross-eyed teacher can't control his pupils.
I used to make loads of money clearing leaves from lawns. I was raking it in.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
How does a lumberjack trim his beard?
With a chinsaw.
What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
"I am dying with the help of too many physicians." —Alexander the Great
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
What's the difference between Hanukkah and dragons?
One is eight nights while the other ate knights
The only thing brighter than the sun on this track is your smile.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
How is cat food sold? Usually, purr can!
What was the light bulb’s occupation?
He was a conductor
If prisoners could take their own mug shots...
Would they be called cellfies?
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.