Husband: Who do you like better, a smart guy or a handsome guy?
Wife: Neither. I only like you.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
“All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.” — Mark Twain
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?
They gargoyle
What are police cars made of?
Copper
Like the ideal vacuum, you’re the only thing in my universe.
Q. Who walks around the suburbs trying to sell venison meat?
A. A deer-to-door salesmant.
Why did the werewolf laugh while chewing on the skeleton?
He got to the funny bone.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo? Bronco-saurus or a Tyrannasourus Tex
Why was the scuba diver failing Biology? Because he was below "C" level.
"My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit."
- Phyllis Dille
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Organic chemistry is really hard.
Those who study it have alkynes of trouble.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
You snow the drill.
What is the suckiest fruit?
A strawberry.
Huge explosion at the hair brush factory...
Investigators are still combing through the wreckage.
Why did the Ghosts win the soccer match? They scored more Ghouls.
Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.
The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.
Why do Communists drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
"Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing." —Redd Foxx
Life is better when we stick together.
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
Baby, if you were a fruit you'd be a Fineapple.
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
Did you hear the joke about the roof?
Never mind, it’s over your head.
What did King Arthur call his sneakiest knight?
Sir Valence.
“I’ve got 99 problems and I’m gonna go to yoga and solve about 53 of them.” -Unknown
A friend has joined a blonds only theatre group. Fair play to him.
How do you save a drowning mouse? Use mouse to mouse resuscitation!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What has four legs and goes Oom, Oom?
A cow walking backwards.
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
“Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one.”—Mae West
Why did the pumpkin pie go to a dentist?
Because it needed a filling.
An angry fruit yells at traffic in front of them
“Mango!”
What did the blanket say to the bed? Don't worry, I've got you covered!
Why are super loud sounds bad for your ears?
It hertz your eardrums.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
Why couldn't the mathematician cross the road?
Because he kept trying to half the distance.
"A Scorpio will carry his grudge into the afterlife if necessary to get his revenge."
— Everett A. Blackman
What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!
What do vampires use when baking cakes?
Batter.
What is the favorite snack of a programmer, it's undoubtedly Cadbury bytes.
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”