Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
What did the tree say to autumn? Leaf me alone.
I want to tell you one more painful phone pun but I decided it's uncalled for.
The color of the sky can help in predicting the weather. It gives a fair report of the hue-midity.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Changed all my passwords to Kenny.
Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
“Thanks TSA, I haven’t been touched like that since prom night.”
— Meaghan O’Connell
Haikus are easy.
But sometimes they don't make sense.
University.
What do you call a silly werewolf in Australia ?
A dingo-ling
The librarian is kicked off the aeroplane because it has already been overbooked.
What's worse than a dragon speaking to you?
The money that you have to pay for therapy.
If Romeo and Juliet were tuna...
they would be Starkist lovers.
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
You know what they say about a man with big feet... he wears big shoes.
Who is a Yeti's favorite Dracula actor?
Christobrr Lee.
Yeah, you’re gonna love Big Ben. Oh wait, you mean the clock.
I hear your thirsty? Well I've got a six pack right here!
Wife is about to give birth.
Nurse: "I'm gonna deliver the Baby."
Dad: " Actually, we'd like him to keep his Liver"
You're so beautiful, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you.
"We gotta get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini."
- Jay Chandrasekhar, Beerfest (2006)
I saw a sign on the bus the other day.
It said "please give this seat to the elderly."
So I ripped it out and took it home for my grandad
Who dosent eat on Thanksgiving? A turkey because it is always stuffed.
I love you meow and forever.
The mummy couldn't finish his Halloween candies. Because he was stuffed.
Are you a cat? Because you look purrrfect!
You are more precious than my blue suede shoes
Where does a potato go to college? DeFry
Why did they stop giving the horse grass?
They wanted it to be less green.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." - Pablo Picasso
“Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves.”
Abraham Lincoln
What is the most expensive kind of fish?
The goldfish.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Why do hitters find it so hard to be productive when they are indoors? They always work on an angle to play outside.
An actor I know fell through the floor recently. It's just a stage he was going through.
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
Were you arrested today? It must be illegal to look so beautiful.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam."- George Carlin
“I’d like to publicly thank my husband [Dax Shepard] for changing half the diapers in our house. I hope he changes all of mine one day…”—Kristen Bell
How does a volleyball team welcome their new neighbors? With a block party.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” —Mark Twain
Why couldn't the dragon be a fireman?
Because dragons aren't real.
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all!
Let's 'bag' this place and go get a coffee. And yes, I am proud of that pun.