Why did the chicken cross the playground?
He wanted to get to the other slide.
What did the band Boston say in praise of the Sistine Chapel?
"It's more than a ceiling"
What is a brain's favorite kind of boat?
A cranial blood vessel.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
It's so cold that lawyers have their hands in their own pockets.
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
A fly and flea flew into a flue,
said the fly to the flea 'what shall we do?'
'let us fly' said the flea
said the fly 'shall we flee'
so they flew through a flaw in the flue.
How do you hide a $100 bill from a televangelist?
Place it in their bible.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
Where did Julius Caesar's fans sit at the Colosseum?
The Caesarean section.
What’s a llama’s favorite movie?
Alpacalypse Now.
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?
Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
I'm like the fabric version of King Midas.
Everything I touch becomes felt.
Who is running the corona virus relief?
WHO??
Oof – is the Erin here really fresh or is that just you?
No! You can't force me to shave my forearms!
I have a right to bear arms!
“When a stupid man is doing something, he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty.”
- George Bernard Shaw
I bought a secured warehouse where I keep appliances to clean pots, pans, plates, and silverware.
It's dishwasher safe!
Mr. Tongue Twister tried to train his tongue to twist and turn, and twit an twat, to learn the letter "T".
I banged my bike against the wall today. it was wheelie unfortunate.
The slogan of a televangelist
"God will grant you all the money I need."
What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?
A pouch potato.
Have you watched werewolves taking lunch, you will be amused, they literally wolf it down!
I designed a dungeons and dragons weapon for wizards. It's a magical melee weapon shaped like a tome that uses intellect for damage instead of strength.
I call it "Book Club"
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I'm snow bored.
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong golf ball on the course sometimes.
Company coming?
And your house is a big mess?
Just put on lipstick.
You are so hot that you light my morning sky with burning love
Are you backpacker? ‘Cause you got this whole “being attractive” thing in the bag.
What do zombies say before a fight?
- Do you want a piece of me?
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
"If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you."
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Guns don’t kill people...
Bullets, it’s bullets that kill people.
Once upon a time I was accidentally made a priest.
It was a clerical error.
Man: Do you think it was fate which brought us together?
Woman: Nah, it was plain bad luck!
We Rodin a taxi around the city after dark.
What do you do when you try to bake a cherry pie for the first time and it doesn't turn out so well? Just wait for the second bite of the cherry.
Why was the cheese happy in the kitchen?
He thought he was grater than everyone else.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
You’re like my coffee, you keep me up all night.
The feds were on a global hunt for a cow who was known to hide behind foliage. They finally located her in Moss-cow.
A magician once said he could make a tiger disappear but only transformed it into a tabby cat...
It was a sleight exaggeration.
What gun does a military chef use?
A salt rifle.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.