Why did the baseball batter go crazy?
Because the pitcher only threw scewballs.
What happens when you give a politician Viagra? He gets taller.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
I got tired of fighting straw...
So I hit the hay.
Why did Tarzan spend so much time on the golf course?
He was perfecting his swing
I have a personal rule to never eat chocolate alone.
I use homemade pumpkin spice. Would you like to try some?
In case of an emergency, pull down the zipper on my pants.
Well… I gotta de-Clara, I think I’ve just fallen in love.
Vikings joke
Why do West Virginia residences love the Vikings?
They catch theilens from their cousins.
Hey, I think I could rock your world if you Dave me a chance…
What’s the difference between a fly and an eagle?
An eagle can fly but a fly cannot eagle.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
"When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them." - George Bernard Shaw
What happens when you keep reading geology jokes in your free time?
You know that you have really hit rock bottom.
"Going out with you would be my biggest break since the rural juror."
- 30 Rock
Q. What do you get if you cross a deer with an Aussie Joey?
A. A buck-er-roo.
What kind of fire moistens?
A humidifier.
Where do parrots get away on holiday? To the beak!
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
Where do aliens park their flying saucers?
At a parking meteor.
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
I like you about 1/18 as much as I like a Pumpkin Spice Latte, which is to say “I love you forever, let’s get married.”
Are you from South England? Cause you Brighton up my day.
How do berries start off the fruity olympics? They cherry the Olympic torch around the globe.
How do you stop a bear from charging?
Take away its credit cards.
Did you hear about the kidnapping? He woke up.
How does a car begin telling you bad news?
‘I hate to brake it to you…’
Hear about the saxophone player who switched from a tenor to a soprano saxophone in the middle of the concert?
The press made quite a big deal out of his sax change.
What’s a kangaroo’s favorite year?
A leap year.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
Because it looks like you landed on your face.
What is fog's favorite drink? Mountain Dew
Why did the cat run away from the tree? Because of its bark!
"A Knotty Problem"
A scarf for a giraffe
Would be forty feet long
But how would a giraffe
Know how to put one on?
– Patrick Winstanley
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
If I had to describe myself in 3 words?
Lazy.
Are you a beaver? ‘Cause dam.
What do skeletons say when they set off to sea?
- Bone voyage!
What did the river say to the beaver? You look so tide'y.
There was an Old Man with a flute,
A sarpint ran into his boot;
But he played daay and night,
Till the sarpint took flight,
And avoided that man with a flute.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
My mate had an accident and lost his ear. The doctors were able to graft on a new one made of pig skin.
His hearing is now quite fine, but every now and then he gets some crackling.
I went on a mission trip and all I ended up doing was mission you.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
Is it hot in here or did you just use 'whom' correctly?