Just received Areal Flood Advisory notification on my phone
I should hope it's a real one, the fake ones are just annoying.
Are you a sprint set? Because you get my heart racing.
The healthy soup recipe was suggested to us by the nutritionist. It soup-erseded the old unhealthy creamy soup we used to have for dinner.
You are my belongingness to my Maslow's Humanistic Theory based on the Hierarchy of needs.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.”
— Douglas Adams
Why did the man with one hand cross the road?
To get to the second-hand shop.
What do spiritual gnomes say when doing yoga? Gnom-aste.
What was the turkey suspected of? Fowl play.
How do you get a farm girl to marry you?
Fertilizer.
“If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans. Sorry, giraffe, but I gotta do what's best for me."
- Amber Tozer
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
An ambitious young fellow named Matt,
Tried to parachute using his hat.
Folks below looked so small,
As he started to fall,
Then got bigger and bigger and SPLAT!
When I arrived onset on a cloudy, dreary day, too many actors had been hired for the small part...
It was overcast.
Enough of the Corona virus jokes
We're all getting sick of them!
Why was the mummy added to the game as a pinch hitter?
Because the manager knew he could wrap it up.
I endured burnt offerings at the table -
A meal ‘cooked’ by my mother in law
If I hadn’t been married her lovely son
I’d have walked straight out of the door!
I heaved at every charred mouthful
Smiled, and said the meal was ‘divine’
She told me she’d had cookery lessons
But her food was only fit to feed swine!
Is my poem just a fairy story
Or is it a clever allegory?
(Laura Loo)
My barrista friend turns up her nose at instant coffee.
She's quite sankamonious.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
Can you hold my gloves for a second? I usually warm them by the fireplace, but you are way hotter.
I stopped ironing my clothes.
I have less pressing concerns.
When I drink, I always end up with rosy cheeks,
I wake up in the flower bed at the end of my garden the next day.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
How much fur can you get from a dinosaur ? As fur as you can get!
What kind of light goes around the earth? A Satel-lite.
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!"
"Egg-ceedingly good, wouldn't you say?"
What is a cat’s favorite magazine? Good Mousekeeping.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
How rare is an excellent father?
Legen-daddy
How do you stop your dog from barking in your front yard?
Put him in your backyard.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What does a Greek machine need to work?
Greece.
Why don`t ducks tell jokes when they fly?
Because they would quack up.
What do you call an ant from overseas?
Import-ant.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
Why did the cosmonaut take his dog to the vet?
He came down with a stellar case of lunar tics.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Even during thunderstorms, Santa can still deliver presents because raindeers fly his sleigh.
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage” — James Holt McGavran
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
Bill Murray
Fresh fried fish,
Fish fresh fried,
Fried fish fresh,
Fish fried fresh.
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
What kind of a key opens a banana? A monkey!
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.