A knife tried out for Varsity football.
It didn't make the cut.
“The problem with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.” – Groucho Marx
"Self-care is giving the world the best of you instead of what’s left of you."
— Katie Reed
Chuck Norris doesn't pet any animals. Animals pet themselves when he approaches them.
I bought a really small cow last week. I really wanted to try condensed milk.
I found this amazing bluegrass band that does covers of 80s rock.
They call themselves Ban Jovi.
Readers do it by the book.
You’re my #1 pick.
How do you mess up a brain, on paper?
With a few strokes.
What kind of snake does your math teacher probably own?
A pi-thon.
Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!
What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? Every morning you'll rise and shine!
I would totally carve your pumpkin.
“I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can’t get killed by a blank?” — Milton Berle
"Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy one behind you."
Unknown
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
A ghost and a witch with a broom
And a ghoul and a bat in a room
Stayed up very late
So that they could debate
About who should be frightened of whom!
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.“
Rodney Dangerfield
What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?
Knot bad
Did you know I'm the Ronaldo of lovers?
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
Q. Which deer was a fascist dictator?
A. Moose Al Ini.
What's the difference between a lobster and a Chinese man who's been run over by a bus?
Ones a crustaecian and the other is a crushed Asian.
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.”
- Sam Levenson
Bus ticket inspectors: You’ve really got to hand it to them.
Summer's over; it's time to chill.
It’s not you – it’s me. I don’t like you anymore.
Why was the wheelchair basketball team banned from the Paralympics?
They all tested positive for WD-40.
Ever kiss a guy with no teeth?
She saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure she saw Sherif's shoes on the sofa?
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Are you a 30 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
What’s the difference between a conductor and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
She wanted a microwave for her birthday...
So I pointed and fired my shrink ray at her hand.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Butter
Butter who?
Butter get an umbrella, it looks like it's going to rain!
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
A patient came to the ER with a rash. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.
She was really itching to get out of here.
What is a kangaroo’s favorite season?
Spring!
What would Jerry McGuire have said if he was a flower?
You had me at hydrangea.
Why do mummies never go on vacations? Because they're afraid to unwind.
Did you hear about that new broom? It's sweeping the nation!
What is a mushroom’s favorite hobby? - Spore-t!
If you are going to sleep, I wish you suite dreams.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash
Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon.
Why was the IT guy in the hospital?
He touched the firewall.
My doctor told me that I needed I kidney
I told her no. I'd prefer an adult-knee.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris undies.