“If you think money doesn’t grow on trees, you ain’t checking every limb.” – Chamillionaire
Q. Why do educated gorillas like the numbers 1, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13?
A. 'Cause they're prime apes.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
How do you upset a dinosaur? Touchasaurus Spot.
Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
The worst moment for the atheist is when he is really thankful and has nobody to thank. -- Dante Rossetti
What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.
What do you call a nice tree that does not have any teeth? Sweetgums.
I ordered chicken fingers tossed in Buffalo sauce the other day
I asked the chef to be gentle while tossing them though. Because they’re tenders.
Woman turned down the marriage proposal of a gardener. She wasn't ready to shear her life with him.
Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.
I get a real kick out of you.
What do skeletons complain about?
Aching bones.
How do you keep a blond busy for 2 days? Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.
While rainbows must be many colors, they should always stay blue to themselves.
Took a tour of Pisa, Italy...
Tour guide said “Hello, my name is Eileen.”
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter? Pi a'la mode.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin.
What would a winged horse put in the bathtub?
A pegaLush bath bomb.
When it comes to seasonal drinks, more and more are converting to the church of pumpkin spice,
but I choose to remain eggnogstic.
How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Jess.
Jess who?
Jess let me in.
"I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks."
— Totie Fields
Tonight's forecast: 100% chance of love.
The killer whale planned its attack on the seals for weeks.
It was very carefully orca-strated.
Hello. Cupid called. He says to tell you that he needs my heart back.
Why are teddy bears never hungry?
They’re always stuffed!
I think I found my perfect match
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Why did the horse like her new backpack?
The straps were adju-stable.
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
What’s a skeleton’s favorite plant?
A bone-zai.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
Can I take a picture of you so Santa knows what I want for Christmas?
You set my heart bonfire.
Ravens fans are so tough....they hang out in crowbars.
Are you a corn farmer? Because I'm stalking you
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
Want to be workout buddies?
Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only 10 I see!
I didn’t want to give you a fancy gift,
And risk you not liking it.
I didn’t want to take you out to eat,
Cuz perhaps the food is unfit.
And I didn’t want to give you a watch or jewelry,
For they might just wind up in some heap,
So I decided to create for you this love poem,
And, no, it’s not cuz I’m cheap!
"No wine left behind."
"When I feel like exercising I just lie down until the feeling goes away."
- Robert M. Hutchins.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Chuck Norris once climbed Mt. Everest in 15 minutes, 14 of which he was building a snowman at the bottom.
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.