What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
The mothership has returned and I must leave.
When do bakers stop making donuts?
When they get tired of the hole thing.
I'll be your farm boy if you'll be my Princess Bride.
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Did you know Davy Crockett had three ears?
A left ear, a right ear, and a wild frontier.
“There is no sincerer love than the love of food.” —George Bernard Shaw
“Buying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hours”
- Conan O’Brien.
Did you hear about the pea pod that became damaged?
It had to wear a pod cast.
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
What will you get if you cross a tiger and a watchdog? A terrified watchman.
It’s so hot I bought a loaf of bread and by the time I got home, it was toast.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.
“Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.”
- Ralph Bus.
Let’s take a leaf of faith.
How do the Skywalkers like their bath water?
Luke-warm.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
What do you get when you mix an elephant and a kangaroo?
Big holes all over Australia.
How many atoms are in guacamole?
Avocados number.
Your skin is smoother than the finest panna cotta.
I asked my Spanish girlfriend to make a to-do list
so she wrote down everything.
“There are much easier things in life than finding a good man. Nailing Jell-O to a tree, for instance.”
Anonymous
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
“I thought I’d never be that annoying person, but as soon as Winnie was born, I was showing iPhone snaps to a cab driver.”
- Jimmy Fallon.
“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.”
Dale Carnegie
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What's your hurry, baby? I Just want to take things Oslo.
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
I saw a joke about chocolate bars but it wasn’t that funny So I just snickered.
What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist’s arm?
A tattoo.
The earth's rotation really makes my day.
The local vampire society is constantly growing. They are always looking for new blood.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
In my friend's house, I saw an onion ring. So, I picked it up and answered it.
"If hard work were such a wonderful thing, surely the rich would have kept it all to themselves." ~ Lane Kirkland
Some local engineers took a train for a service, but the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road.”
When is an MLB ballpark the hottest?
After all the fans have left.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
Why did the werewolf need to talk with the skeleton?
He had a bone to pick with him.
A tree's limbs fell off in a storm, now it's an amputree.
A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
Why are pigs pink when they could be any pig-ment? Sow many reasons.
What does the witch do on her birthday?
She spellabrates.
Happy Valentine's day.
Such a Lovely day.
You can drive my car, and if you'd like, I also have a Yellow Submarine
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day!” — Anonymous