Whale, hello there.
What's brown, lumpy, and sits on a piano bench?
Beethoven's Last Movement
What did the dolphin say to its friend who wouldn’t stop lying?
Stop spouting nonsense!
Q. What does a doe say When something very unexpected happens?
A. Oh, Deer God!
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
What do lawn ornaments do over winter break? Go gnome for the holidays.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
Why did the witch's team lose the cricket game?
Their bats flew away.
Who was the most flatulent Pharaoh in all of old Egypt?
King Tootsarecommon.
As my wife opened the cabinet, a coffee cup crashed on her head.
It's awful to see someone you love get mugged.
I once asked my grandfather how he'd lived so long
He smiled and said; "I sprinkle a little gunpowder on my cereal every morning."
I always thought that was a little weird but he did live a long life and left a great legacy; a thriving career, loving wife, seven children, sixteen grandchildren, two great-grandchildren, and a massive hole in the crematorium wall.
"Do you have a cell phone I could use?"
"Why?"
"Someone has to call God and tell him that one of his angels is missing."
- Couples Retreat (2009)
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
How many limbs does an alligator have?
It all depends on what he ate for lunch, dinner and breakfast.
How do you tell others that your Israeli husband made coffee?
Hebrew.
“The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy.” - Anonymous
What is the similarity between a male deer and a beaver? Both have buck teeth.
Why do banana's do so well on the dating scene? Because they have Appeal!
What do books wear on a wet and rainy day? Rain quotes.
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
How do you make a fish laugh?
Tell it a whale of a tale.
That skeleton over there wanted to ask you for your number, but, unlike me, he didn’t have the guts
It’s so cold we had to stop eating with metal cutlery. Some people walked around for days with spoons or forks stuck to their tongues!
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
What do you call the door to a chicken barn?
The hen-trance.
What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?
An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.
What is the hardest part about being a tree? You have so many limbs, but you still can’t walk.
Why did the chicken join a band?
Because it already had drumsticks.
God was just showing off when he made you.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
You know you're getting old when your wife says, "Honey, lets run upstairs and make love,"
and you answer, "I can't do both."
What happened when they planted new bamboo trees at the zoo?
It was pandamonium out there!
Can I have your number so I can call when I need a ride to your heart?
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
What is a cat’s favorite song? Three blind mice!
Why did the orange help the old lady cross the road?
To do a random act of rindness.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Because it wanted to lay it on the line.
There’s a girl on my art course who never does any original work, she copies everything.
We call her Tracey.
It was mitten in the stars.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
What birds should you recycle?
Toucans.