A man just attacked me with cheese and milk.
How dairy!

Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.

Are you a high jumper? Because you make my bar go up.

What’s a good winter tip?
Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

What did the brain say after it got an electrical shock?
"This was a stimulating experience."

My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked
doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

“How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.”
Emo Philips

What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.

Do you want to play house with me? You can be the front door, and I'll slam you until sunrise.

A new car has been launched especially for American cowboys
The Audi Partner.

What do you do if someone rolls their eyes at you?
Roll them back.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

I fence-y you.

Ideally, the cost of a bowling game should be ten pinnies. However, with inflation, the price always goes up.

Q: What do you say when a pharaoh doesn't pay you?
A: Egypted me! (He jipped me)

You are so right. And I am so left.

Why did Arthur have a round table?
So nobody could corner him!

What’s a kangaroo’s favorite candy?
Lollihops.

What’s the difference between a clitoris and a golf ball?
A man will actually look for a golf ball.

"Love is a two-way street constantly under construction."

- Carroll Bryant.

“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”

What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission

Q. How did the wedding between the stag and the doe begin?
A. Deerly beloved...

“I’m going to get married again because I’m more mature now, and I need some kitchen stuff.”—Wendy Liebman

What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Thunderwear.

You don’t need to pay rent to live inside my heart.

When Papa red wanted to have some toppings on his bread, he told Son red, "Pass me the crimson!"

I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.

The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.

They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.

When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.

They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.

(By Jessica Miles)

What kind of evidence can a donut not take to trial?
Anecdoughtal evidence.

Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.

Daddy, how was I born?
Ah, very well, one day you need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room.
Dad set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber cafe.
We snuck into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from your dad's memory stick.
As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall.
Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed virus appeared.
And that's the story.

I asked my son to go get me a phone book. He laughed, called me a dinosaur, and handed me his iPhone.
The spider is dead, the iPhone screen is cracked, and my son is furious!

The insane amount of rainfall in Poland did not lead the river to flood, all was in Oder.

What do you call a Spanish Goat with no hind legs?
Gracias

Airplane food is always so terrible, so I always pack my own food. Want one of these chocolate covered strawberries?

Skiing is believing!

My wife and I have been having trouble communicating. We decided to take a walk when we passed a farm. She said "awww, babe look at the sheep."
"No, ewe." I said.

How does the mother call the pharaoh son to the table?
Tutan, come on.

My communist grandparents hated each other, but still stayed married for more than 60 years.
It was a so-be-it union.

"I'm eggs-hausted."

Do you like yoga? Because I could downward dog you all night.

“Never break a promise to an animal. They're like babies—they won't understand.”

― Tamora Pierc

No need to light a night-light on a light night like tonight.

How can you tell when a polar bear is moving?
There’s a “fur sale” sign in the yard.

What do you call the basketball move where you drink too much alcohol and score?
SlamDrunk!

Did you hear about the hairdresser? She dyed.

How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.