“I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.”
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer!
"There are good ships
and wood ships
and ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships
are friendships
and may they always be."
Why did they arrest the volleyball player? They suspected foul play.
“When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.”
Erma Bombeck
I’ve learned that milk promotes beauty. But how much have you been drinking so far?
Hello there, how do you brew?
What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.
What do you call a wasp who is having a bad hair day?
A frizz-bee
Hello, allow me to hi-Jack this conversation
What is Forest Gump’s password? 1Forest1.
Did you hear about the emperor penguin?
He had a freezing reign!
What do you call an Irish gem that’s a fake?
A sham rock.
I just found out what animal’s been getting into my avocado plants...
It was a guaca-mole.
It’s so cold we had to chisel the dog off a lamp post.
Icy what you did there.
There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.
Where do parrots invest their money?
In the stork market
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
The perfect name for a pig that plays basketball is a ball hog.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
A pig just won the lottery. What do you call him?
Filthy rich.
Too bad, if only I’d gnome!
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.”
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What do neurons use to talk to each other?
Cellular phones.
What
I'm actually way hotter than poutin.
What would you call a power failure? A current event.
My wife said to me that the spark between us had gone. So, I tasered her, and I’ll ask her again when she wakes up.”
A superconductor walks into a bar. The bartender says, Get out! We don’t serve your kind here.
Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.
What does the Yeti do when he is tired?
Himalaya down.
"You know, it's dangerous for you to be here in the frozen foods section—because you could melt all this stuff."
- Steve Martin, My Blue Heaven (1990)
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
“I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War, my great uncle fought for the west!”
Rodney Dangerfield
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life.
You might not be America’s Most Wanted, but you’re at the top of my Watch List.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
I could tell you a COVID joke...
But it would take two weeks for you to get it.
What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favorite way to get around the airport?
La Travelator.
If you were a baseball field could I hit a homerun.
What Do You Call A Cat That Swallows A Duck?
A duck-filled-fatty-pus
Why did the beaver cross the river? To get to the other side of the river.
What do you get if you stand between two llamas?
Llamanated.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
"In these difficult times, when so many people are having trouble finding enough to eat, we are extending the “five-second rule” to a full ten seconds."
– Ron Piraro