What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
“I’m stuck between “I need to save money.” and “You only live once.”” – Anonymous
Hi, I hear you’re good at algebra… Will you replace my X without asking Y?
Why did the bus driver take a long break? He needed a wheel-y good rest!
I started ironing my clothes...
To de-crease how bad I looked
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
Why do math teachers love parks so much?
Because of all the natural logs.
What do you call a stoned, dyslexic crow?
A hybrid
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
I dressed up as a jousting lance for Halloween, but nobody got it.
I thought it was pretty straight forward.
What did one skeleton say to the other skeleton?
- You’re dead to me.
Q: Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
A: He was feeling really crumbie!
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I said to my doctor, "I usually sit on the computer 12 hours a day...is that bad?"
He replied, "That can't be too comfortable. Try a chair!"
What do you call the age of a pilgrim? Pilgrimage.
Pig always have ink all over their faces because they live in a pen.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
What do you do with dead geologists?
You barium.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
Hey girl, are you a broom?
Why, because I swept you off your feet?
No, because you're really hairy.
What do you call a really cold, young werewolf?
A pupsicle.
Why was the Whale bank heist so successful?
Because it was a whale orca-strated plan
I sulfur when you argon.
What is a dairy product like as a partner?
They’re your butter half.
Live to tell the tail.
How can you tell when a man is well hung? When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing, oceans don't talk they just wave!
Nice dress, can I talk you out of it?
Which sea creatures cry the most?
Whales!
A couple years ago my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
I read a story about pig anatomy.
It was all straightforward until I found a twist in the tale.
Can I be one of the men in your box?
Why do the ladies love baseball?
Because diamonds are a girl's best friend.
What did the kangaroo say about the man who kidnapped her joey?
Stop that pick-pocket!
How many astronomers will it take to just change a lightbulb? None, they like the dark.
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Grandma runs the kitchen like a turtle-tarian; give her some space there.
Do you be-leaf in magic?
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.”
– Betty Reese
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
This pizza party is the perfect topping to a great summer.
There are so many puppies and kitties around the neighbourhood. Perhaps it is because it has been raining cats and dogs for hours.
What do koalas do when they see social injustice happening in the world? They fight for ekoalaty!
What happened to the lost beef shipment? Nobody's herd.
"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." - Mark Twain
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!