What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
"I Have a Little Frog"
I have a little frog
His name is Tiny Tim,
I put him in the bathtub,
To see if he could swim,
He drank up all the water,
And gobbled up the soap!
And when he tried to talk
He had a BUBBLE in his throat!
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I told my parents I wanted to raise goats for a living, but I was only kidding.
Will you be the Flin to my Flon?
Brianna-st, on a scale of 1-10, how perfect was that pun?
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
I think my back hurts. I'm okay though.
It's spine.
I was going to call you beautiful, but then I realized I don’t have your number yet.
What do you call a Monkey with a bomb
A baboom.
What's the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza.
I should have used aloha temperature.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
"I’ll meet you at the corner!"
You don’t need car keys to drive me crazy.
What kind of money do elves always use?
Jingle bills!
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
What happened when it started raining coins?
It knocked some sense (cents) into the world.
Why are ghouls so healthy?
They always eat fresh food!
What did the baby mosquito say after his first flight?
“Mama, mama! Did you see that? Everyone was clapping for me!”
Why did the sloth get fired from his job?
He would only do the bear minimum.
You're by far the prettiest girl here. The 'Liberty bell' of the ball.
Why don't pets make good astronauts?
They're afraid of the spay station
The time has come to pop the question,
Will you spend your life me?
And before you answer, I want you to know,
A “yes” comes with a shopping spree!
(Unknown)
What do you call a medieval siege machine that throws flowers?
A trebouquet
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...
What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut? Tug-of-whore.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
"A journey is like marriage. The certain way to be wrong is to think you control it."
- John Steinbeck
The scare crow was out standing in his field, so he got awarded as the best employee of the year.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you going to open the door.
It doesn’t help that my doctor keeps making fun of my broken leg. He’s just adding insult to injury.
Staying humble thanks to that fumble
What do you call a small Minotaur?
A Minitaur.
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
I was at the Doctor's office
The Pessimist said 'The door is half closed'
The Optimist said 'The door is half open'
The Doctor said 'Confirmed case of Bipolar'
I went to see my Doctor this morning and told him "The tablets you gave me to stop me shrinking aren't working".
He said, “You'll just have to be a little patient then”.
What do you get if you cross a tiger with a mammoth’s tusk?
A sabre-toothed tiger.
“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”
Steven Wright
Hey babe do you need crutches? Cause I can’t stand you anymore.
Fall makes me g-leaf-full!
What do you call it when leprechauns get together after being apart?
A wee-union!
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and says, "Give me all your money or you’re geography!"
The teller replies, "Don't you mean history?"
The robber says, "Don't change the subject!"
What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster
It was so hot that my gold jewelry melted.
Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?
Hey baby, can I roll up your rim?
Why don't some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don't work out.