"A fruit is a vegetable with looks and money. Plus, if you let fruit rot, it turns into wine, something Brussels sprouts never do."
– P. J. O’Rourke
What is the chemical formula of the molecules in sweets? Carbon-holmium-cobalt-lanthanum-tellurium or CHoCoLaTe
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
As it snow happens.
An extremely slim model, Miss Slater,
Was attacked by a croc and it ate 'er.
Said her trainer, Tough deal,
What a horrible meal,
We should throw it some greens and potater.
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur A lickalotopis
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
They do it without realizing,
They don't really have a clue,
Reading between the lines,
Is something they just can't do.
When there is an argument,
They think they're always right,
No matter what we say or do,
They didn't start the fight.
They blame it on our hormones,
And never take the rap,
If they call us moody bitches,
Then they get a slap.
(By Jessica Miles)
Excuse me, do you have the time? I just want to remember the exact minute I got a crush on you.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
What were the cheese’s wedding vows?
To havarti and to hold.
What did ketchup say while spotting his friend at the gym?
Mustard all of your strength!
“I hate mornings and Mondays. And working. But other than that I am entirely happy.”
If a monkey has thirty bananas in one hand and forty bananas in the other hand, what does he have?
Very big hands.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
Apples and oranges had a conversation one day. Guess what the apples were saying the oranges, nothing stupid, apples don’t talk.
How do you get into an all glass China cabinet?
Sorry, that's glassified.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
"Everything slows down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." - John Wagner
What's a vampire's most favorite fruit? It must be a neck-tarine peach.
Best in snow.
Don't ignite your friends from behind, even if it's just a prank.
It will back fire for sure.
The green light at the road signal looked at the red light and said, "Don't look while I am changing".
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
Where do bats get their education?
In night schools.
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
Cutest clover in the patch.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic.
What did the grape say when the elephant stood on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.
There is always a first time to everything. For instance, when you take a mushroom either for lunch or dinner, you will be amazed at how magical it is.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Hey, babe. I think it's time we take our relationship to the previous level.
Why was the hard drive scared of the large file?
Because it was a terror-byte.
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....
You know, one would have been enough.
How do you say farewell to a very optimistic insect?
Buoyant!
What is a dog’s favorite pizza topping?
Pup-peroni.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
"I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage." -Erma Bombeck
Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Have you ever been fishing in Lake Michigan? 'Cause we should hook up sometime.
What did the Indian kid say to his mother when she left India?
Mumbai
"If I win, I get to take you home. If you win, you can come home with me."
- Trees Lounge (1996)