I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
David Lee Roth
My Wife is leaving me because of my obsession with cowboys
But that's ok this town ain't big enough for the both of us.
---
How does a german cowboy say hi?
Audi.
What did one plate say to his friend? Tonight, dinner’s on me!
How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep?
You rocket.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
What’s black and white and goes up and down?
A panda who’s stuck in a lift.
“A woman is like a tea bag – you can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.”
Eleanor Roosevelt
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
What did the manager say to the realtor who kept forgetting to sign the agreement?
He said, "Just do the deed."
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
I'm studying the meaning of couches in different parts of the world.
It's really PhillySOFAcal.
Twinkle twinkle little snitch,
mind your own business,
you nosey b*tch!
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the dirt, crosses the road again, and then rolls in the dirt again?
A dirty double-crossing chicken.
How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.
"Maybe this is not the right time for us"
There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.
I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
"I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight."
- Rita Rudner
Can’t pinch this.
You are the sun that never sets on the British empire.
Why did Frankenstein’s monster go to a psychiatrist?
He thought he had a screw loose.
"Hakuna Moscato. It means drink wine."
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time
It's almost impossible to tell someone if a vacuum works or not.
Either it sucks or it sucks.
Which trophy has the most glitz? The Lady Bling.
My friend was bragging that his new 3D printer can print a gun, but I’m not impressed.
I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
What medicine do you give to sick ants?
Antibiotics.
Why did the military use acid?
To neutralize the enemy base.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
Long time no sea.
Are you into science? Because I lab you so much!
Who will Frankenstein’s monster take to the dance?
Any old girl he can dig up.
Which murderer kills at the bottom of the ocean?
Jack the Kipper.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
What do you call a light-headed elephant?
An ele-faint.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
When I got home from camp today,
My parents almost died.
They asked me how I got this way,
And here's what I replied:
This little cast from heel to hip
Is nothing much at all.
Some broken shingles made me slip
From off the dining hall.
The poison ivy's not too bad.
It missed my back and chest.
Of course, I guess I oughta add
Mosquitoes got the rest.
I tried to eat some hick'ry nuts
And cracked a tooth or two.
And all these bruises, scabs, and cuts?
I haven't got a clue.
I got the lump that's on my head
From diving in the lake.
I should've watched for rocks instead
Of grabbing for the snake.
That leaves this bandage on my chin
And these three finger sprains,
Along with lots of sunburned skin
And sniffles from the rains.
I also got a muscle cramp
And very nearly drowned.
It's some terrific summer camp,
The coolest one around.
(By Richard Thomas)
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
My wife left me because I'm so insecure
No wait.. She's back! She was just getting coffee
I wish I were your integral so I could fill the space beneath your curves
An elderly man called Keith.
Mislaid his set of false teeth.
They'd been laid on a chair.
He'd forgot they were there.
Sat down, and was bitten beneath.
“Fine! You guys can all be beautiful snowflakes! I’m gonna go over here and be an awkward snowflake!”
― Robyn Schneider
Does your dad own a chocolate factory? Because you are as sweet as chocolate.
What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Mushroom puns are the best for any occasion. They are very portabella.
The lobster is one shell of an animal.