My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
I went to a restaurant and had a salad. Afterward, I got an intense pain in my stomach. I visited the doctor and he told me that I had grass-troentiritis.
“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
What’s the best part of the cell, next to the cytoplasm? The nucle-US.
If you won't let me buy you a drink, at least let me fix your laptop.
So I was in the library when this cute girl came up and asked to borrow my external hard drive
It was at this point I realized she wanted the (D:)
Someone stole my wig!
That was a bald move.
It’s so hot that I’m using Celsius instead of Fahrenheit just to have a lower number.
A toast to you:
You always know how to make everything butter.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
What do you say when you want to break the ice with someone?
Ice to meet you!
Stuck on what to get your Mum for Mother's Day?
Get her a fridge and watch her face light up as she opens it.
“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
What washes up on tiny beaches? Microwaves.
I used to be indecisive; now I'm not so sure
I asked the land beside the ocean if he was certain he wasn't beach.
But he was pretty shore.
Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven? Because if they all went, it would be called hell.
You are like an electron and I am like a proton. And they say that opposites attract.
"There is no WiFi in the forest but you will find a better connection."
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
If you were a bouquet of fresh-cut flowers, I would take you home.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
Do you prefer organic or local? Because I’m both.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I’d go into thousands of dollars of crippling debt just to examine you!
I fell asleep on my phone the other day. It downloaded a nap.
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife says it's weird.
I don't see how, I think it makes a great hat.
Why did the king order his new castle be built in the evening?
For the night knights!
Yoda one for me!
“Some taxpayers close their eyes, some stop their ears, some shut their mouths, but all pay through the nose.”
— Evan Esar
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
Where do beavers sleep? They sleep on a river bed.
What do you call a dinosaur that left its armor out in the rain ? A Stegosau-rust.
How do you split the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
If you were a Transformer you'd be Optimus Fine!
Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.
What's the name of a nurse who inserts plastic tubes into people?
Catherine.
Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.
How do you sink a submarine full of blondes? Knock on the door.
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
What do cannibals eat for dessert?
Chocolate covered aunts.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
"People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy."
- Bob Hope
All dressed up and nowhere to grow.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
What did the Turkey do on Halloween?
He was a goblin