Are you an alien? Because you just abducted my heart.
Hey cutie, I Sense you have a lot of Sensibility. Was that too Austen-tatious of me to point out?
Where do fashionable ghosts shop for sheets? Bootiques.
We just got a new chicken-proof lawn, it's impekkable.
What happens when a hen eats gunpowder?
She lays hand gren-eggs.
What’s the name of the rabbit who stole from the rich and gave to the poor? Rabbit Hood.
Koi fish always travel in a groups of four
Because the predator will go after the D koi
Why are frogs so happy?
Because they eat whatever bugs them.
Why did Santa go to a psychiatrist? He no longer believed in himself.
What do you call a fly with no Wings?
A walk.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What do you call a depressed vegetable
Despairagus.
Donating blood can be A-positive experience
But sometimes it can B-negative.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
What’s striped and goes round and round?
A tiger in a revolving door.
A mime in my town was arrested yesterday after he broke his left arm in a bar fight.
He still has the right to remain silent.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
My friend uses a white crow to protect his farm from other crows
He calls it a rarecrow
What happens when you make love on a couch?
It becomes a sectional.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
Why are street thugs so good at basketball?
Because they know how to shoot, steal, and run.
It's okay password...
...I'm insecure too...
Two flies are playing football on a saucer.
They’re practicing for the cup.
I love you so truly,
I love you so fine,
Please be with me always,
Please forever be mine.
Without you I’m empty,
There’s a deep void I feel,
It’s nagging and persistent,
A feeling only you can heal.
I need you my sweetheart,
I can’t live without you dear,
Because when your gone,
There’s no food to eat here!
(Unknown)
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
"Let's hop on the good foot and do the bad thing."
- Austin Powers (1999)
Why do vampires need cold medicine?
For their coffin.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
What is a snake’s favorite subject in school?
Hisstory.
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?
You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.
What do you get if you cross a worm and a young goat? A dirty kid.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
“Sunshine and happiness go together like fish and chips!”
― Catherine Pulsifer
I caught a fruit fly in the air and killed it.
I'm a gnatural born killer.
What did the phone say to the radio when they met for a date?
This is AUXhilarating
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
“One would be in less danger, from the wiles of the stranger, if one’s own kin and kith, were more fun to be with.”
- Ogden Nash
I tried asking some beavers to help me build my house. They didn’t give a dam.
What did the dog say when he sat down on sand paper?
Rough.
Up to snow good.
People tell me I have a good breaststroke, but I'd say I'm a pretty good swimmer too.
A robber walks into a bank and points the gun at the receptionist
"Give me all your money or you're Geography!" 'Don't you mean "or you're History"?'
"*DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!"*
Are you addicted to the ocean and ocean life?
If you are, sea kelp
How does the Grammar Nazi party fund its government?
Through a syntax.
What do you call an unpredictable, out of control photographer? A loose Canon.
“There’s no need for a piece of sculpture in a home that has a cat.”
- Wesley Bates.
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Why does the river never get lost?
She always finds the right pathwave.
My Japanese dentist became a woman.
He’s a trans zen dentalist.