Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
Last week, I met someone who specialized in the studies of shrubs and grasses. He called himself Neil De-grass-y Tyson!
Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!
A cheese factory exploded in France...
da brie is everywhere.
Roses are red,
Foxes are clever,
I like your butt,
Can I touch it forever?
What do you call a person with a peg nose acting suspicious?
Suspeg.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul with an owl?
Something that scares people and doesn’t give a hoot!
Who is the most famous French skeleton?
Napolean Bone-aparte.
You're eyes are bluer than the Atlantic ocean and baby, I'm all lost at sea.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
“Every generation revolts against its fathers and makes friends with its grandfathers.”—Lewis Mumford
What’s it called your backpack messes up your spine?
Schooliosis !
Which side of a koala bear has the most fur? The outside!
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Chuck Norris can delete the recycling bin.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a werewolf?
Terrier-fied!
Girl you're looking like a snack and I'm going on a diet.
What did the zombie boss say to the zombie employee?
- Don’t miss the undeadline!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
Why did the duck detective get the key to the city?
Because he quacked the case.
Why did the chicken cross the river?
To get to the otter side
Two skeletons are talking in a bar.
Skeleton 1: "Are you going to the funeral tomorrow?"
Skeleton 2: “Of corpse I am.”
“Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Edison
“Monday is great if I can spend it in bed. I’m a man of simple pleasures, really.”
– Arthur Darvill
My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...
Arson.
Why was the zombie so grumpy?
He woke up on the wrong side of the dead.
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
For a fatty, you don't seem to sweat much.
What do you say to a twenty ton dinosaur with headphones on? Anything you want. He can't hear you.
Why did the pony turn himself in?
He felt rem-horse.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
My wife ordered one of those new heavy blankets but delivery took forever...
She says it was worth the weight.
My wife got mad at me for being lazy... It's not like I did something!
I’m no Thomas Paine, but you and I are Common Sense.
What has a neck but no head?
A bass.
Some might say the violinists in an orchestra don’t do much.
They just fiddle around.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
I never saw a Purple Cow,
I never hope to see one;
But I can tell you, anyhow,
I’d rather see than be one.
(Gelett Burgess)
Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
What is a cannibal's favourite cheese? Limburger
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
What do you get if cross a frog with some mist?
Kermit the Fog.
Lost at sea? I'm not shore.
Everybody romaine calm.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
If vampires can't see
Their own reflection
In a mirror or anything else
That's shiny
Then the thing I
Have always wondered is
How do they manage
To keep their hair tidy?
- Paul Curtis
How about I land my space shuttle in your International Space Station?
Will you go penguin sledding with me?