"In the family sandwich, the older people and the younger ones can recognize one another as the bread. Those in the middle are, for a time, the meat." - Anna Quindlen
Refrigerators look kinda boring.
But actually they're pretty cool
“Money is something you have to make in case you don’t die.” Max Asnas.
“Good Morning! Open your mouth wide! I’ll just keep going and put that coffee right in there!”
– Unknown
What does a millennial cowboy say?
Yeet Haw!
I'm going to have to ask you to stay away, you're posing a risk for my health. You make my heart stop!
“If you don’t annoy your big sister for no good reason from time to time, she thinks you don’t love her anymore.”—Pearl Cleage
What is the difference between a ball hog and time?
Time passes.
Why do volleyball players join the military? They want to gain extra experience in the service.
What is the definition of “moon”?
The past tense of “moo”.
Why an astronaut can be said similar to a football player? They both strive for touchdowns!
Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.
February 14th.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
You know you’re getting old when you stop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you’re down there.
George Burns
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
You're like milk, I want to make you a part of my complete breakfast.
Changed my password to fortnight but apparently that's two week.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels."
Why do some guys have Red Eyes after se*? Mace.
What do you call a glove combined with a snake?
Smitten.
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I'm fascinated by water's gas form.
It mist-ifies me.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What do you call clean music?
A soap opera!
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow? Down in the mouth.
I saw a pun on chocolate bars but it wasn’t that fun
So I just snickered.
"Never eat more than you can lift."
— Miss Piggy
Amelia, I’d love to share Ameal-with-ya
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
Your bible would look great on my nightstand.
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
What did the deer say after she did her friend a favor?
“You doe me!”
"My Shadow"
I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me,
And what can be the use of him is more than I can see.
He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head;
And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed.
The funniest things about him is the way he likes to grow-
Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow;
For he sometimes shoots up taller like an India rubber ball,
And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all.
He hasn't got a notion of how children ought to play,
And can only make a fool of me in every sort of way.
He stays so close beside me, he's a coward you can see;
I'd think shame to stick to nursie as that shadow sticks to me!
One morning, very early, before the sun was up,
I rose and found the shining dew on every buttercup;
But my lazy little shadow, like an arrant sleepy-head,
Had stayed at home behind me and was fast asleep in bed.
– Robert Louis Stevenson
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
What do you call a gorilla stuck in a ventilation shaft
A Duct-ape.
A guy walks into the doctors office complaining of rectal pain, upon examination, the doctor exclaims "Buddy, theres a piece of lettuce coming out of your butt!"
The guy looks to the doctor and says "thats only the tip of the iceburg!"
My niece called my antisocial
I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.
A circus performer named Brian,
Once smiled as he rode on a lion.
They came back from the ride,
But with Brian inside,
And the smile on the face of the lion.
“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman
What did one cherry say to the other cherry? If you weren't so tasty we wouldn't be in this jam.
Walk by a girl and say "Are you looking at me? And if she says no say "Damn!" You had me at your impeccable spelling and correct use of grammar.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
"The bravest thing that men do is love women." — Mort Sahl
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
What did one ocean say to another?
Nothing, it just waved.
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck...
It was a camel tow
If a flower grew every time you’d cross my mind, I’d have a field of flowers.
Did you hear about the flower who gave an ultimatum to her husband?
She told him once and floral.
Long thyme no see.