Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
What is yellow on the inside and green on the outside? A banana dressed up as a cucumber !
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
How much does a polar bear weigh? Enough to break the ice.
Why did the strangers walk out onto the frozen pond?
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What part of the brain deals with knowledge about plants?
The treefrontal cortex.
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
What did the Clydesdale use to deal cards at the casino?
A horse-shoe.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
After buying grocers, I sat on the San Francisco pier and pondered life. My laundry detergent tipped over...
Now I’m sittin on the dock of a bay, watching my Tide roll away.
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
“Good morning world! Your little ray of sarcastic sunshine has arrived.”
– Unknown
What do you call a Mexican unicorn? Junicorn.
I've been trying to sleep with one eye open lately, but it's really hard
Last night I couldn't sleep a wink
Once I tried to paint the sky but I blue it.
Sorry, I've lost my number.
May I get yours?
What is a bat’s favorite dessert?
Pineapple upside-down cake.
“Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries, has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.” —Ambrose Bierce
Genie: "What’s your first wish?"
Steve: "I wish I was rich."
Genie: "What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
How are splinters better than a man?
Splinters are a pain, but they go away eventually.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Why did the pig break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was a boar.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the ONe.
"Death, taxes, and childbirth! There's never any convenient time for any of them."
― Margaret Mitchell
How do you beat a robot in a fist fight
Socket in the jaw.
Propranolol is red, digoxin is blue. My heart skips a beat when I see you.
What candy is only for girls? HER-SHEy's Kisses!
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
I'm afraid you can't pass this point, 'cause you're a bomb, Baby.
What do kids play when they can’t play with a phone?
Bored games.
How did the geology student drown?
His grades were below C-level.
How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
Why was everyone shocked when the fruit fly's girlfriend agreed to marry him?
Because the pair had only ever been on rotten dates.
Maternity ward nurse asked my wife if she needed to go to the bathroom.
She says, "yeah, I could stand to pee."
I said, "No, you should probably still sit so it doesn't get everywhere."
"I didn’t get old on purpose, it just happened. If you’re lucky, it could happen to you." – Andy Ronney
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
Which author is anxious to write the book: Colorado Rockies, World Series Champs?
Ben Whayten.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
Hey baby, are you in a tunnel? Because we’re breaking up.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
My father and I were leaving our hotel room in Iraq and he almost forgot his suitcase.
I said "Don’t forget your Baghdad."
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
"Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese." – Billie Burke
A friend of mine asked me to go hunting up in a dangerous mountain range.
I didn't bother because i thought the steaks were too high
I sat and watched this guy fishing for four hours this morning.
Eventually he said to me, "Why don't you give it a go?"
I said, "No thanks. I don't have the patience."