Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies.
Why did the detectives suddenly appear at the concert at the beach?
Something fishy was going on.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
“My friends and family always thought I was pretty funny, but I don’t know if they thought I was get-my-own-show funny.”
- Nick Kroll
“It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it’s your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You’re probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you’re gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.”
Chris Rock
How much pot, could a pot roast roast, if a pot roast could roast pot.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
Whats in a camels favorite cup of tea?
Camelmile
What bow can't be tied? A rainbow!
What holds the moon up?
Moonbeams!
"Love the wine you're with."
How does the spinal cord hammer a nail into a wall?
With a series of spinal taps.
Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.
There is a young schoolboy named Mason,
Whose mom cuts his hair with a basin.
When he stands in one place,
With a scarf round his face,
It's a mystery which way he’s facing.
What happened to the pig who ate too fast? They got a ticket for running a Slop Sign.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
Are you the opening night? Because you make me nervous.
What's an owl's favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
Did you hear about the two silkworms that were in a race? They wound up in a tie.
What do time and space have in common with family?
It's all relative.
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Get clover it, babe.
My pet crocodile needs help
Can I give him gatorade or does it only work for alligators?
What symbolizes a goat’s family tree?
A goat of arms.
It’s so cold the ice cubes in my drink have goosebumps.
My kid asked why I named our WiFi "ship"?
But that's how everything syncs.
What dinosaur knows a lot of synonyms? A thesaurus.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called "1,001 cures for itches."
I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.
I met your mother on a dating site.
I don't know, we just clicked.
What did the icy road say to the car?
“Want to go for a spin?”
Each year, lots of wolves go treating in howl-o-ween.
“If you want your wife to listen to you, then talk to another woman: she will be all ears.” - Sigmund Freud
What happens if you listen to metal too loudly?
You become Megadeaf
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
I got the Benz.
Just call me milk. I'll do your body good.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
Girl I just gotta get you. Call it animal instinct.
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
After the death of his wife a few years, the pineapple stands on the graveyard and says “I pine for you, sweetheart!”
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
A group of crows drooling over a pastry is called a-tempted murder.
Because of my rights related to eminent domain, you have to compensate me for stealing my heart.
What is a baby parrot's favourite game? Beak-a-boo!
Hey, you can r’Eli on me to be a fun date