What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
I was named after my dad
Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.
Why did the fish cross the road? Cause it was hooked!
Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Why is it easy for chicks to talk?
Because talk is cheep.
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a yacht big enough to pull up right alongside it." ~ David Lee Roth
Why was the sapling crying to her mom? She said the big trees wouldn’t leaf her alone.
What is the little mermaid’s favorite font?
Arial.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Amanda.
Amanda who?
Amanda lay you, your lonely nights are over.
Why do bee keepers have beautiful eyes?
Because they hold bees. (Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder)
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Why settle for metaphors? How about I turn that simile into a smile?
When in France, I have Nantes-thing to complain about.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
What is a snake’s favorite TV show?
Monty Python.
Every time I think about you, my heart’s tempo shifts from adagio to allegro.
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
What do you call a half dozen wolves drinking beer?
A six pack.
The zombie worked for years to win this prize. He showed real dead-ication.
If home is where the heart is, then my home is in you.
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
There was an Old Man of Kamschatka,
Who possessed a remarkable fat cur;
His gait and his waddle
Were held as a model
To all the fat dogs in Kamschatka.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
Growth takes time. Be patient. And while you’re waiting, pull a weed.
— Emilie Barnes
Q. Which book makes virgin gorillas blush?
A. The Naked Ape.
What's a werewolf healed from Lycanthropy?
Over the moon.
How are zombies like computers?
They use mega-bites!
Why was the pizzeria desperate for business?
Because they kneaded the dough!
“Look out for Santa Paws!”
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What did the Wife say to the Husband?
You are exhausting!
Did you hear about the kid that ate a whole pack of candy worms?
It’s a sour tale!
Did you hear about the artist that has been drawing very small, colorful noodles?
He drew an itsy, bitsy, teeny-weeny, yellow, polka dot linguini.
“Flying is hours and hours of boredom sprinkled with a few seconds of sheer terror.”
- Gregory “Pappy” Boyington
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
When you look at the sky and see the moon
You're looking at a subtle light
Which Oiler great had a soft spot for Indian food? Jari Curry.
If somebody says "You pitch great for a southpaw," is that a left-handed compliment?
A friend got to the final of the local model railway competition. He lost on points.
My wife just yells from upstairs and asks "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"
Sounding concerned, I reply, "No..."
A few seconds of silence, and then she shouts: "How about now?"
“Always get married in the morning. That way if it doesn’t work out, you haven’t wasted the whole day.”—Mickey Rooney
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
“Straight roads are for fast cars, turns are for fast drivers.”
— Colin McRae