I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you.
My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
I could say that I wandered lonely as a cloud before I met you, but what are these Wordsworth if you won't go out with me?
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
How did the wife know her mountaineering husband was cheating on her? She caught Himalayan about it more than once.
What happened to the wooden car with a wooden engine and wheels? It wooden go at all.
What's the name of the funniest mountain range in the world? The Himhilarious.
Why does the river have problems remembering things?
Because she is becoming sea nile.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Eyesore.
Eyesore who?
Eyesore from my long run—can we take the elevator?
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
Why did the troll fall back with his army?
He didn't want to be ogre-run by the enemy.
You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
How much will $20 get me?
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
. What do you call it when you heard the same jogger pun earlier, yet laughed again?
A running joke.
R2D2 is the most obscene character in film history
They had to beep out every word he said.
“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”
Will Rogers
“To be stupid, selfish, and have good health are three requirements for happiness, though if stupidity is lacking, all is lost.”
- Gustave Flaubert
Everything Mum – by Joanna Fuchs
How did you do it all, Mom
Be a chauffeur, cook, and friend?
Yet find time to be a playmate,
I just can’t comprehend.
I see now it was love, Mum
That made you come whenever I’d call,
Your inexhaustible love, Mum
And I thank you for it all.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
It’s so cold that I’m breathing out snowflakes!
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs on your doorstep? Matt. What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?
Bob.
What did the zombie say after seeing his neighbor’s new car?
- I’m green with envy!
What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine?
A slow poke.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
Who would win a game of hide and seek between a dalmatian and a tiger? The tiger because he wouldn't be spotted.
You shouldn't wear make up, baby.
It's messing with perfection.
Did you just swallow a magnet? Because I’m so attracted to you right now.
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
What do you call a dad joke about skeletons?
A skele-pun!
What four letters will frighten a burglar? O I C U Where does bad light go? To prism!
When you go with an army general onto a bowling alley, he will start bowling even before you enter his name on the scoreboard.
"I will never break up with my gym. We just seem to workout."
- Unknown.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.
Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!
Wanna go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns
Let’s show Potassium and water that the two of us can make a more energetic reaction together than them!
My boss has just fired me for making too many Asian jokes.
Oh well!! That's the end of my Korea.
What is a witch's favorite ride at the fair?
A scary-go-round.
“Time spent with cats is never wasted.”
- Sigmund Freud
How was the first giraffe made?
Chuck Norris uppercut a horse.
Did you hear about the new Smashing Pumpkins cover band?
They call themselves Squished Squash!