What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.

Why did the bunny bang his head on the piano? He was playing by ear!

A duck is standing next to a busy road, cars zooming past while he waits for a break in traffic.
A chicken walks up to him and says, "Don't do it, man. You'll never hear the end of it."

What do cats wear to bed? Paw-jamas.

"Night Noises"

My parents' bedroom is far from mine, so I have to wonder
What the noise is every night that sounds a lot like thunder.
We don't live near the seashore, but almost every morn
I'm wakened by a noise that sounds like a fog horn.

It's louder than the sound of barking dogs at night
Or a fireworks explosion that lights the sky real bright.
A chainsaw cutting logs doesn't make as much din,
Nor did the wall coming down way over in Berlin.

A jet plane at takeoff will get your attention quick,
As will a jackhammer engaged in busting up some brick.
But neither equals the clamor from Mom and Dad's bedroom,
Worse than a stack of dynamite at the moment of KABOOM!

At last, I figured out the source of all the raucous roaring.
It was only good old Dad engaging in some snoring
Mom says: "I don't mind; it's really a Godsend
That all that wind isn't coming out the other end."

– Alan Balter

Why can't pencils move?
Because they are stationery.

What did the patient with the broken leg say to their doctor?
Hey doc, I have a crutch on you.

How did the hammerhead do on his test?
He nailed it.

A slat spreading truck knocked me off my bike last year. I yelled “You idiot!” through gritted teeth.

Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!

Can you do sign language?
I wish I knew how to sign because I don't think any spoken words can describe how beautiful you are.

Call me AC/DC, because I'm gonna rock you all night long!

Namastay here or come home with me?

One mermaid said to the other, "I love your shell bracelet, can I Triton?"

Are you the moon? Because even when it’s dark you still seem to shine.

This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.

"We found eggs in a hopeless place."

I was arrested at the airport. Just because I was greeting my cousin Jack!
All that I said was "Hi Jack", but very loud.

“When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.”

- Nora Ephron.

In Mexico, truck drivers always keep a wheel of cheese in their cabs. Apparently this is in queso emergencies.

Did you know that you can get a slice of lemon pie in Cuba for $1.50, but in Jamaica you can get key lime pie for $1.00?
Those are the pie rates of the Carribean.

What does a bee use to brush it's hair ?
A Honeycomb.

How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!

Why are we only concerned about snowmen not snowwomen?
Because only men are stupid enough to stand out in the snow without a coat.

I don’t want an apple a day because I don’t want you to go away.

Why did the bus stop in the middle of the street? It saw a zebra crossing.

With Corona Virus spreading, I never thought our deaths will also be..
“Made in China”

What eats laptops? Computer worms.

A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”

What do you call someone who always takes pictures of their dog?
A pup-arazzi.

How can you tell a vampire likes baseball? Every night he turns into a bat.

Baby I'm gonna teach you what love's all about tonight

Is your name Ariel? Because we mermaid for each other.

There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.

(William Robinson)

As a school project, we wanted to perform a Jesus play
but the only guy who had the traditional famous Jesus look had blond hair.
We begged him to dye it black, but he refused.
After explaining it to his parents, they agreed to let their son dye for our scenes.

What do you call a giant gorilla with pean u t butter in one ear and Jam in the other?
Anything you want, he's not going to hear you!

I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”

What online search engine do spooky monsters use?
Ghoulghoul.

My sister once took a knight as a dance partner to her high-school party because it was a prom knight.

What goes dot, dot, dash, squeak? Mouse code!

I told my kids that ketchup can go on anything.
You know, It’s the least condiment denominator.

Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.

What’s black, dangerous and hides in trees?
A crow with a machine gun.

I have no idea how you can look so great pre-coffee.

What do mummies like listening to on Halloween? Wrap music!

Sorry I'm late, I kep falling for you on the way.

"People should fall in love with their eyes closed."

- Andy Warhol

What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.

Repetition is the Mother of learning.
So who's the father?
Daddycation.

Why are goats from France musical?
Because they have French horns.