Why do trees have to drink responsibly? Otherwise, they become a bunch of trunk idiots.
What is good at maths and related to a crocodile?
A calcu-gator
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
"What does the letter "A" have in common with a flower?
They both have bees coming after them."
- Kim Roblin
I'm on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.
A bloke came up to me and said im going to attack you with the neck of my guitar.
I said to him, "is that a Fret"?
I see we’re both doing Pigeons!
You’re the pumpkin pie of my eye.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What’s your go to order at a bar? Mine is A Big Ale
What did the Bluetooth say as the ship went down?
"Help! We’re syncing!"
What is a naughty beavers' favorite type of wood ever? Knotty pine.
Which LA King was the total package? Parcel Dionne.
Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.
He's used the same napkin since 1974. He just scares the sh*t out of it.
What is a dentist’s favorite hymn?
Crown Him with Many Crowns.
What's the meanest thing ever?
When you ask a gnome, “What will you be when you grow up?”
I aorta tell you how much I love you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Rocker.
I think I've just found one.
I asked my buddy if he wanted to know what the word “the” was in Spanish. He expressed his disinterest and I responded with...
"Your los."
"You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it." - Henny Youngman
Why is rain the best kind of music?
Because it has amazing drops.
What’s an avocado’s favorite music?
Guac ‘n’ roll.
Ireland always leaves me wanting Moher.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb?
He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.
The book on Mount Everest was super interesting because it had so many cliffhangers.
Did you know there were vegetarians in Medieval Europe?
More often than not, they were called "peasants"
What does a bee do when it is extremely hot?
It takes off its yellow jacket!
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a Stegosaurus with carrots in its ears? Anything you want, it can't hear you!
“Truth hurts. Maybe not as much as jumping on a bicycle with a seat missing, but it hurts.”
Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen)
What kind of shoes do private investigators wear?
Sneak-ers.
Are you a time traveler? Because I absolutely see you in my future.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What do you get if you cross a werewolf and a pet dog?
A terrified postman.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
I don’t get why people buy into the flat earth theory.
I mean, the arguments for it aren’t exactly well rounded.
You should check out that Egyptian antiquities store.
They have a mummy-back guarantee!
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
Hey Cinderella, must be time I took you home. It’s nearly midnight!
What's a chess player's favourite starter?
Pawn cocktail.
Where does a Portuguese skeleton live?
Lis-bone
What's the sweetest moment in a hockey game? When they're icing the puck.
My son's has never really had much of an appetite.
But suddenly today he's eaten a dozen Kinder eggs whole.
He's full of surprises.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.