I have a serious love-heat relationship with summer.

Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.

Why did the other volleyball team bow? Because they heard that the queens of the court were there.

Why didn't Cleopatra confess that she loved Julius Caesar?
Because she lived in the Nile

Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.

When it comes to mermaids growing legs, it's all in the de-tail.

In grammar you shouldn’t do double negatives.
It’s a no no.

The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.

I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.​” — Stanley J. Randall

The best place to hide something is at an airport
You'd be hiding something in plane site.

Why do you bring fish to a party?
You bring fish to a party because they go well with chips!

Do you know about April 1st?
Yes, I’m fooly aware of it!

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

There is nothing impaws-sible if you’re as brave as a tiger!

“A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops noticing the terrible things her children do because she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.”—Lois Wyse

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent.
Now it has no friends.

You're a good egg.

There was a young woman named Bright,
Whose speed was much faster than light.
She set out one day,
In a relative way,
and returned on the previous night.

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes.

Flight attendants fly with a very meaningful motto: always look on the flight side of life.

“Laughter rises out of tragedy, when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.”
Erma Bombeck

"I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate." - Nancy Astor

What do you call a flying monkey?
A hot air baboon.

What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
A lunar cycle.

Ooh, I love your accent. What is it, agogic?

This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.

The most notorious one of all pirates was very sad. It may have been because he was Bluebeard!

“I go running when I have to. Like when the ice cream truck is doing sixty.” – Wendy Liebman

Did you hear about the banana who went to the doctor's because he wasn't peeling very well?

I left my job at the keyboard factory today. To be honest, I had been looking for an Escape for a while.

What did the perverted pumpkin use for his pick-up line?
Hey gourd-geous! Wanna go back to my place and squash?

Pugs and kisses.

Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.

My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."

Are you a cat because I'm feline a connection between us.

"Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes, age just shows up all by itself." - Tom Wilson

What did the beaver say when it saw it's home on fire?
Hot Dam!

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.

Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.

On a scale of one to America, how free are you tonight?

What do math and history have in common?
They both teach people about inequalities.

“Money often costs too much.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.

"When your “mom voice” is so loud even the neighbors brush their teeth and get dressed." - Unknown

Baby, I didn't buy any fireworks this year, because you're the only one who lights up my sky.

There's been an explosion at a cheese factory in Paris.
There's nothing left but de Brie.

Did you hear about the happy cannon balls?
They just got married and I hear they’re already expecting some BBs.

Where do crows type? Crows type on cawmputers.