My brother, who is an IT guy, got surgery done on his fingers. Now he can truly be called a tech-knuckle support guy.
I guess I’m going to France
Because I have nothing Toulouse.
What do you call a well-balanced horse?
Stable.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
A Pun, a Play on Words, and a Limerick walk into a bar....
No Joke.
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?
Because he was stuffed!
Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas, it was all in vein.
You are my density!
What do mosquitoes and relatives have in common?
They both share your blood.
What does it feel like to be the most gorgeous girl in the room?
Why should you never expect perfection from geologists?
Because they all have their faults.
"The Vulture"
The Vulture eats between his meals,
And that’s the reason why
He very, very, rarely feels
As well as you and I.
His eye is dull, his head is bald,
His neck is growing thinner.
Oh! what a lesson for us all
To only eat at dinner!
– Hilaire Belloc
You can stand under my umbrella.
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday
I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil.
What is a koala’s favorite exercise?
Bearobics.
Which Bible character had no parents?
Joshua, son of Nun (Joshua 1:1).
What do you call it when a cardiology student flunks out?
Heart failure.
Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
Spouses are like world wars.
You never refer to them as the "first" until there's a second.
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
These sea monster jokes are so funny.
They had me kraken!
Twinkle twinkle little star,
went out with a guy to the bar.
He bought me one and bought me two
but I ended up with Hugh.
"Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages."
- H. L. Mencken
Q. How does a tree get on the computer?
A. It logs on!
Are you a drum? Because my heart beats for you.
I got worried about climate change when realtors in Iowa started advertising their listings as “potential waterfront property.”
Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race?
It ended in a tie.
You’re my lucky charm.
What’s the difference between a comma and a cat?
One has the paws before the claws, the other has the clause before the pause.
What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ike.
Ike who?
Ike can rock your world, baby.
Without you, I’m like a null set… Empty.
Why did the lobster blush?
Because the sea weed.
"Men scream and go crazy in the gym. I'm a silent workout partner, but when my adrenaline gets up, I talk trash."
- Fergie
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.”
Will Ferrell
She said, "Don't go bacon my heart."
I told her, "I couldn't if I fried."
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What did the penny say to the other penny? We make perfect cents.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
Are you a tenor? Cuz you're the only ten I hear
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
“If there is anyone to whom I owe money, I’m prepared to forget it if they are.” - Errol Flynn
What did the carrot say to the rabbit? Do you want to grab a bite?
For the first time, we are going to have a HAPPY Thanksgiving. This year, I am stuffing the turkey with Prozac!
What do you call an alligator who kills bugs all day long?
A fumigator.
Why do ducks have tail feathers?
To cover their buttquacks.