When the wolf stood on the grape, the latter said nothing but let out a little bit of a wine.
I made a snap decision to watch football today.
Will you integrate with me? I will differentiate whoever comes in our way.
It’s so hot you discover that it only takes 2 fingers to drive your car.
For Halloween I'm going to dress as a donkey with a kilt
I'm going to be an ascot
Why are parrots the life of the party? Every day is their bird-day!
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
I told my boss, "Sorry I'm late. I was having computer issues."
Boss: Hard drive?
Me: No, the commute was fine. It's my laptop.
What are pigs celebrating when they celebrate their birthday? The day they were boar-n.
The moon landing is obviously fake.
The moon is clearly still up there.
“Size isn’t everything. The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.”
- Bill Vaughan.
What kind of camel throws a hissy fit when you milk it?
A drama dairy.
What is a corn's favorite song?
Corn fields forever.
I=f(U), I can't function without you.
I was picking through the turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but I couldn't find one big enough for my family. I turned to the employee and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
“No, sir," he replied. "They're dead."
Setters do it better. This sounds like a good motto to put on a T-shirt.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A blonde parade.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
Who invented the Round Table?
Sir Cumference.
What did the pun say to his annoying colleague?
You're being pun-reasonable right now!
A fairy appears in front of an old man.
"For the good things you've done in your life, I grant you three wishes!"
The old man squints and asks: "Can you speak up a bit? My hearing isn't the best anymore..."
The fairy replies: "SURE! YOU HAVE TWO WISHES!"
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
I'm surprised you all aren't talking more about that drug with the side effect of making scalps wrinkled.
I mean, it's been making a LOT of head lines.
The farmer had such a bad headache he had to retire. He was sick of his grains.
"Eggs-cuse me."
I left chess club early this week.
I was just so board.
Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.
"Love is blind; friendship tries not to notice."
— Otto von Bismarck
A man walks into a library and asks the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian checks her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
The man replies, "Yes, that's the one."
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What was the name of the knight who made the round table of Sir Arthur perfect? He was a knight called Sir Cle.
What do the elves cook with in the kitchen? Utinsel.
I wood never leaf you.
What did the salt say after it was pepper-sprayed?
That's nothing to sneeze at.
My wife bought me a scalp massager for Christmas, but I couldn't figure out what it was.
Turns out it was a real head scratcher.
This rock was magma before it was cool.
Get it?
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
If two vampires have a race, will it be neck and neck?
What do you get if you cross a ski instructor and a vampire?
Frostbite.
What is the mermaid’s favorite drink?
A mertini.
When he was chewing the skeleton, the wolf got to a point and laughed. I guess that was the funny bone.
At first I thought my therapy for Stockholm syndrome was bad for me.
But now I kind of like it.
What are stepfathers called in France?
Faux pas.
If there’s an invasion army of endless flies attacking, who you gonna call?
The fly S.W.A.T. Team!
Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
Is your dad an Italian thief? Because you just stole a pizza my heart.
Why is the barn so noisy?
Because all of the cows have horns
I was going to make a joke about losing your senses due to COVID.
But I decided it was poor taste.