As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".

My writer buddy went to buy a new boat...
He named it Penman-Ship.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Iva.
Iva who?
I’ve a sore hand from knocking!

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 or 500 in Roman numerals.
I M L I VI D

“Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants.”

Brisk brave brigadiers brandished broad bright blades, blunderbusses, and bludgeons — balancing them badly.

Question: What is the oldest animal?
Answer: The Zebra, it's still in black and white!
.

Dear Dog

You cower and hide
As I fill up the tub
Yet when I go outside
And turn on the hose
You follow me gladly
For a spray up the nose

The next door beaver couple got arrested for illegal streaming.

What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.

"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois

Did you guys hear about the camel that got a gig playing a cow on Broadway?
She was a real drama dairy.

Our lobster neighbors never give us gifts during the holidays!
They’re so shellfish.

Where do cows go on vacation?
Moo York.

Roses are red
that much is true.
But violets are purple
not freaking blue.

We just bought our new dream house. As I was showing our daughter around for the first time, she asked excitedly, "What's upstairs?" I chuckled and replied, "Sweetie,"
"Stairs don't talk!"

"The Theoretic Turtle"

The theoretic turtle started out to see the toad;
He came to a stop at a liberty-pole in the middle of the road.
“Now how, in the name of the spouting whale,” the indignant turtle cried,
“Can I climb this perpendicular cliff, and get on the other side?
If I only could make a big balloon, I’d lightly over it fly;
Or a very long ladder might reach the top, though it does look fearfully high.
If a beaver were in my place, he’d gnaw a passage through with his teeth;
I can’t do that, but I can dig a tunnel and pass beneath.”
He was digging his tunnel, with might and main, when a dog looked down at the hole.
“The easiest way, my friend,” said he, “is to walk around the pole.”

– Amos R. Wells

Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.

“Waking your kids up for school the first day after a break is almost as much fun as birthing them was.” - Jenny McCarthy

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” —Dorothy Parker

I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"

What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.

Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."

What is an owl’s dream occupation?
Flight attendant.

What did the dog say when he had a bad day?
Today has been ruff.

“The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.”—Lucille Ball

Why is justice best served cold?
Because if it were warm, it would be justwater.

How do you know if an ant is a boy or a girl?
If you toss it in the water and it sinks, it’s a girl. If the ant floats, it’s a buoyant.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.

Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow.
It was our last warming.

Why did the burglars decide to rob a music store?
For the lute.

What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

When you cross a camel with a cow, you will end up with a lumpy milkshake.

What is a vampire’s favorite fruit?
A blood orange.

What does Cinderella usually wear at the beach?
Glass flippers!

I'll feel more comfortable sleeping at night once I have your number.

Q: Why do the tiger not attack the farm?
A: He was a little bit sheepish.

"Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional" - Chili Davis

I promise I'm good for more than just a one-timer.

"My cat doesn't like you."

10 saxophone players blew up a theatre...
authorities are on the lookout for the tenorists.

I've never understood the fashion industry, those people are so clothes-minded.

Where does a rottweiler sit in the cinema?
Anywhere it wants to.

What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!

You remind me of a hot summer day
Some days I just can’t stand the heat
Yet here you stay
There are days I wish to be alone
Yet you follow me still
I love you woman, but let’s keep it real
Sometimes you remind me
Of a hot summer day
I love being around you
But at times I need you to go away

(Anonymous)

Apparently you can get the Corona virus if your eye touches someone else's eye.
I guess it's a good thing I refuse to make eye contact.

Money won’t buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
Bill Vaughan

What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween?
Ghoul-aid!!!

Do you believe this? All soccer players, irrespective of their country of origin, have one goal.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.