What happened if vampires came to a big dance?
A bat ball.
In one Fall swoop, it's autumn again!
Did my Spotify playlist glitch? Because you are the only song I hear.
There’s a rumor going ‘round it’s my birthday today;
they say that I’m seventy years old..…no way.
too many candles to light,
it would take into the night.
When did I suddenly turn old and grey.
Some say I’m an old man and not too smart,
but I say don’t put the horse behind the cart;
‘cause age is just a number
not something to encumber,
and this old man is still young at heart.
The truck load of tortoise that crushed caused a turtle disaster.
There was a Young Lady of Russia,
Who screamed so that no one could hush her;
Her screams were extreme,
No one heard such a scream,
As was screamed by that lady of Russia.
Have you ever tried to write your own puns?
It's a fairly difficult pun-dertaking!
Did you know the first Easter and ther first April Fools Day coincided as well?
The founder of both was a real trickster... He faked his own death!
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
my nose starts bleeding at eleven every night
but I’ve seen stranger things.
How many dinosaurs can fit in an empty box ? One . After that, the box isn't empty anymore!
What do you call two spine bones that are friends?
Vertebros.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What is Halloween's favorite medicine?
Any brand of coffin cold.
Why should you never ever play texas hold'em with a crocodile?
You will literally lose every hand.
When I text you goodnight later, what number should I use?
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
“Husbands and wives are irritating. But without them, who would we blame for misplacing our socks?”—Janet Periat
You’re just like the black line at the bottom of the pool– I’d be lost without you.
[Donuts] We’re going the hole nine yards for this game.
“There’s no such thing as ready. You just jump on a moving train and you try not to die.”
- A Dad, ‘What To Expect When You Are Expecting.’
Warning! Do not look at the sun through a colander.
You'll strain your eyes.
"If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times: Don’t exaggerate!"
Anonymous
Why doesn’t Frankenstein go on airplanes?
He can’t get past the airport metal detector.
"Straight ahead for a bit then there's a sharp left, so take it slowly." I said.
"The screen is for MY benefit, Mr. Anderson," said the doctor, "and this isn't my first colonoscopy."
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cash.
Cash who?
Yes! I've always known you were a bit nutty!
What did the realtor reply when I asked if he liked reading real estate magazines?
"Yes, I love reading them but only periodically".
What genre are national anthems?
Country.
“The Taxpayer’s prayer: Oh Mighty Internal Revenue Service, who turneth the labor of man to ashes, we thank thee for the multitude of thy forms which thou hast set before us and for the infinite confusion of thy commandments, which mulitplyth the fortunes of lawyer and accountant alike.”
— Russell Baker
What do you feed a 700 pound gorilla?
Just give him anything he wants and then run.
"Driving fast on the track does not scare me. What scares me is when I drive on the highway I get passed by some idiot who thinks he is Fangio."
– Juan Manuel Fangio
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
Where do frogs leave their hats and coats?
In the croakroom.
“The best thing about animals is that they don’t talk much.”
- Thornton Wilder.
Stop looking for the perfect match..
Use a lighter!
You could say I have an hour glass figure
It takes me an hour to figure out where my glasses are!
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sadie.
Sadie who?
Sadie magic word and watch me disappear!
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
Excuse me! Do you know where’s the Victoria's Secret shop in this mall? You look like one of their models!
What did the bone mage use to rob medieval homes?
A skeleton key
Why are Siberian tigers so happy at Christmas time? Because it is snowy, and they get to look like white tigers.
What are you doing for the rest of your afterlife?
I don't know if I just got hit by freezing rain, but it hurt like hail.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
The world’s population is split sort of evenly between men and women, making the average human part male, part female, and a complete pain to shop for.