Are you a photographer? Because I grin every time, I see you.

"If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym?"

- Dave Attell

This may be cheesy, but I think you're grate.

What runs around a garden but never moves? A fence.

What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur

You're old enough to know, my son,
It's really awfully rude
If someone speaks when both his cheeks
Are jammed and crammed with food.
Your mother asked you how you liked
the onions in the stew.
You stuffed your mouth with raisin bread
And mumbled, "Vewee goo."

Then when she asked you what you said,
You took a drink of milk,
And all that we could understand
Was, "Uggle gluggle skwilk."

And now you're asking me if you
Can have more lemon Jell-O.
Please listen carefully, "Yes, ifoo
Arstilla ungwy fello."

(Martin Gardner)

Your gravitational pull is irresistible!

Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.

Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.

I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.

Why are lemons safer than limes?
There’s no such thing as lemon’s disease.

Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.

How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265

"Funny, I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down."

Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

Failed my art exam by using the wrong pencil.
It wasn't 2b.

Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.

I want to stick to you like glucose.

Q. What do you call the stench that comes from antlered roadkill?
A. A foul o-deer.

“The key to my heart looks a whole lot like a plate of pasta.”
― Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
Jim Carrey

Honda is oldest car make in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
"And the apostles were all in Accord"

"For peep's sake."

What do you call Santa when he accidentally falls into the fireplace? Krisp Kringle.

A Poem by a Cat

I lick your nose
I lick your nose again
I drag my claws down your eyelids
Oh, you're up? Feed me.

Don’t be a jerk-o-lantern this Halloween — share your candy!

What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language.

What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.

Hey babe - are you the ex leader of the Australian Democrats because I'd love to Despoja.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.

Two tomatoes went jogging. One trips and falls. The other tomato said, "Grab my Heinz and I'll help you up." Trippy tomato replies, "Nah, you go ahead. I'll ketchup."

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef!

“A lot of Thanksgiving Days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.” —Kin Hubbard

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: (Groan)

Being a soprano is a great opera tunity.

Is it me or the nature of money,
That's odd and particularly funny.
But when I have dough,
It goes quickly, you know,
And seeps out of my pockets like honey.

What did the squirrel say when his tail got caught in the door?
...It won’t be long now!

What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.

Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.

What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!

The chickpea wrote a book, but he didn't release it until after his death. He wanted to do it post-hummusly.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

Most of your players never make it out of the lower-level tournaments. I highly doubt their Futures as a professional.

“Work is against human nature. The proof is that it makes us tired. – Michel Tournier

"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black

I tried to taste the hot light bulb
But I got my tungstenned.

"Who is rich? He that is content. Who is that? Nobody.” ~ Benjamin Franklin

My skeleton girlfriend dumped me the other day. She had the hottest spine I have ever seen.
I just want her back.