What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?
Use acute angle.
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
You don't need reflective gear, darling. Who could ever miss you?
Q: Why were the two green pea plants so close?
A: They had deep roots.
A guy walks into the bar.
It's hardly surprising he didn't make the steeplechase team, on reflection.
Why did the frog go to the bank with a gun?
He wanted to robbit.
What do you call a skeleton in a freezer?
Bone-chilling.
A little boy asks his dad, “Why is it raining? Is the sky sad?”
The dad replies, “Yes, son, the sky is pretty blue.”
Pad kid poured curd pulled cod.
"Stupidity is like a giant car heading towards a brick wall and everyone's arguing over where they're going to sit."
What do you call a gorilla in a cement-mixer?
King Koncrete.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
Why is IKEA the cheapest place to get furniture?
Because they have some Swede deals!
I miss the old days of railway when the engineer had plenty of esteem.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
To the person who stole my coffee, my lamp, and my parrot…
I don’t know how you sleep at night.
I tried to hit the picture cleanly over the fence, but it was framed.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
What is an owl’s favorite Beatles’ song?
Owl you need is love.
What do you call a small mosque in Spain?
A mosquito!
It’s the most wine-derful time of the year.
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
"I'll always remember last night, but I think we can forget about tomorrow."
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
We child-proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
What do you call a werewolf who cuts down trees?
A timber wolf.
I left my job at the Chinese restaurant and took my favourite frying pan, until I heard the owner yell...
"Don’t wok away from me!"
Freddy Krueger has nightmares about Chuck Norris.
Want to plan a ride up the hill. It feels great when you're on top.
Where does bad light go? PRISM!
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire.
It was a hot mess
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I don’t know, why?
To get to the loser’s house.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
The chicken!
Hey girl, are you a faulty French press because I’d like to be burned by you and recall you afterward.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
What was the pianist doing at the mall?
Chopin.
There was this bald guy at the bus
He seemed really lightheaded
My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
Why did the man keep going in circles? He didn't get the point.
"The Full Moon is a natural furnomenon," said the werewolf.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
I asked my wife if she ever fantasizes about me, she said yes - about me taking out the trash, mowing the lawn, and doing the dishes.
"There are only two emotions on a plane: boredom and terror."
- Orson Welles
I had a job circumcising elephants.
The base salary wasn't great, but the tips were huge.