There are 21 letters in the alphabet right? Oh wait, I forgot u, r, a, q, t.
Q. Why was the lady baboon so atrracted to the big gorilla?
A. 'Cause he had s*x ape-peal.
I said “no” to drugs, but they just wouldn’t listen.
Hey, can I borrow your water filter? Cause you’ve got me thinking impure thoughts.
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
There was an Old Man at a casement,
Who held up his hands in amazement;
When they said, 'Sir, you'll fall!'
He replied, 'Not at all!'
That incipient Old Man at a casement.
I'm not a snowman, but woman, you make my heart melt.
I have a question for people who take the bus...
Are you supposed to give it back?
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
“Tomorrow is Thanksgiving! It’s the day you forget about all the fighting and division in the world and just focus on all the fighting and division in your family.” — Jimmy Fallon
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.”
- Mary Karr
Did you hear about the giant who threw up?
It's all over town!
"An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh."
— Will Rogers
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why did the dog go to the bank?
To make a de-paws-it. But unfortunately, there was a mastiff line.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
The only fruit that makes me feel fuzzy and warm is a peach.
“Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.”
Ellen DeGeneres
What do you call a bunch of zombie chickens?
The Bu-gawking Dead
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?
Nurse: No change yet.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes. Jim Carrey
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
My friend just got 3 kittens named Spoon, Fork, and Knife. When I asked why those names, they smiled and said, "Isn't it obvious?"
"They're catlery"
What is the best breakfast cereal to eat in the winter?
Frosted Flakes!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.
Even The Beatles think that we should "Come Together." "Right now."
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
The knife that Abraham used to kill Isaac has been found in Britain.
Apparently, it was a Dyson.
Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
What are the Vikings favorite drink?
Mini Sodas
Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
What is a koala’s favorite Christmas carol? Deck the halls with boughs of holly, koala-la-la-la, la-la-la-la!!!
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and people who love you. And I don't love chocolate.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
"Stupid is when you spend 18 hours trying to drown a fish."
Anonymous
It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
Jerry Seinfeld
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
“Dogs are great. Bad dogs, if you can really call them that, are perhaps the greatest of them all.”—John Grogan
My love for you simply radiates.
Good game--you certainly scored all your extra points with me.
Why did the biology teacher and the physics teacher split up?
They had no chemistry!
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
Why did the light bulb fail his math quiz?
He wasn’t too bright.
"Month of May"
For all the diapers
that you changed,
For all the playdates
you arranged.
For all the trips
back and forth to school,
For cleaning all the spit up
and the drool.
Why is there only
one Mother's Day?
You should have at least gotten
the ENTIRE month of May.
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.”
Bill Maher
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My dog loves poetry.
Especially William Shakes-paw.