Hay girl, I'd like to have a stable relationship with you!

What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Why did the beaver stop cutting down trees?
The work gave him gnawsea

2 years ago, the doctor told me I was losing my hearing.
Haven't heard from him since then.

What happens when two snails get into a fight? They slug it out!

“As I learned from growing up, you don’t mess with your grandmother.”—Prince William

There was an Old Man of the coast,
Who placidly sat on a post;
But when it was cold
He relinquished his hold
And called for some hot buttered toast.

Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.

Getting a Roman soldier to stand next to an Irishman ...
... requires a lot of Gaul.

Baby, I would trade the entire candy bar in the world for you.

What do snowmen do on Christmas?
Play with the snow angels.

Q: What did the wind turbine say to the engineer after he fixed him?
A: I’m a big fan of your work!

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.

In the medieval ages, chess was a very popular game among Kings and Queens. This was because they had castles in it!

How did the cowboy greet the equestrian?
Howdy Neigh-bor.

What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Merry.
Merry who?
Merry Christmas!

Don't you dare hit that drum again!
If you do, there will be repercussions!

Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.

The worst part about being a giraffe…
Is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.

Two fish are swimming in a river, when one of them hits a concrete wall. He turns to the other and says: "Dam"

Why did the pianist have to be rushed into surgery after his latest performance?
He played his heart out.

I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.

Stop Stalin and let’s hook up.

What did the ghost do at the red light? He came to a dead stop.

Why didn’t the two algae ever have se*?
Because they had a planktonic relationship

When you're around, every mall is a sky mall.

What are the chances I open with a pun that’s so bad you Leah-ve me hanging?

How did the calf’s final exam turn out?
Grade A.

There was an Old Person of Basing,
Whose presence of mind was amazing;
He purchased a steed,
Which he rode at full speed,
And escaped from the people of Basing.

Why do blondes wear hooped ear rings. So they have somewhere to put their feet when having se*.

What do you name a synthetic parrot?
PollyEster

I saw a Jazz band last night, but they really sucked...
They really saxophoned it in.

Why do blondes take the pill? So they know what day of the week it is.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?
At sundae school.

What type of dog is best at timekeeping?
A watch dog.

Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.

Q. Why did the gorilla cross the road?
A. To get to the monkey biz on the other side.

"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black

Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.

"Aerodynamic Mishap"

I made a paper aeroplane,
It really was the best.
I took my time to make it right,
To that I can attest!

I’d planned it all so thoroughly,
I’d sketched from either side.
I knew that all would be amazed,
To see it swoop and dive.

But its first flight was not to plan,
Though it soared up high.
The teacher turned, it crashed and burned,
And hit her in the eye!

My plane, screwed up, went in the bin,
All agreed it was a shame.
But my teacher’s got a big black eye,
And I’m the one to blame!

– Gareth Lancaster

Two ghosts were at a disco. One was having a fa-boo-lous time and the other wanted to boo-gie all night long!

"The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in the morning feeling just plain terrible."
— Jean Kerr

I got really good at telling them, so I’m being crowned the king of corona virus puns.
You’re all formally invited to attend my coronation.

You were mauled by a gang of squirrels. You want to sue them but no lawyer wants to take your case. Why?
They think you are nuts.

The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.

Why did the kraken eat 5 ships that were carrying potatoes?
Because nobody can eat just one potato ship.

Don’t worry, beer happy.

How do you type the word "Royalty" on a keyboard?
You start with the higher R key.