What's gray and furry on the inside and white on the outside? A mouse sandwich!
What do you call a sleeping paper towel?
A napkin.
What did the bartender say when he saw oxygen, hydrogen, sulfur, sodium and phosphorous enter his barroom? OH SnaP!
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
A family of beavers were walking across a river. During that time, the dad said to the family: “Dam it.”
The mummy was very sore from lying down for years. So he called a Cairo-practor.
“Home, nowadays, is a place where part of the family waits till the rest of the family brings the car back.”
- Earl Wilson.
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Why do cats like computers the best?
Cuz they have a mouse.
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu - you get what you deserve.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Have you heard of the story about the campanologist without arms?
Doesn't ring a bell.
What did the owl say to the judge?
I’m talon you, it wasn’t me.
Why did the bee get married?
She found her honey.
Why did the farmer feed money to his cow?
He wanted rich milk.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
You see me, do you need glasses or something?
Where do Ghosts travel to for a holiday? South Aarghfricaargh.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
Where do ants go on vacation?
Frants.
What do French cherry parents say to their little cherries at home? You are mon cherry.
"How sickness enlarges the dimension of a man's self to himself!"- Charles Lamb
“I choose a lazy person to do a hard job, because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it.” — Bill Gates
"Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of." – Bruce Lansky
"Time to wine down."
Can you name 10 dinosaurs in 10 seconds? Yes, 8 Iguanadons and 2 Stegasaurus.
Did you hear about the baker that accidentally backed into an open oven...?
His buns were toasted.
R.I.P boiled water. You will be mist
Well well, you’ve John and got my attention for sure
What do you have left after a pig eats a watermelon?
Pork rinds.
What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
What do volleyball players watch during their free time? They watch Spike TV.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to fight his heartburn.
What reassuring advice did the meninges give to the brain?
"Don't worry, I've got you covered."
What did the football player say to the flight attendant?
"Put me in coach."
“If all the economists were laid end to end, they’d never reach a conclusion." ~George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a cow apart of the Knights of the Round Table?
Sir Loin
I just can't take the bad s*x anymore.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
Who’s the arch-enemy of the Gsus chord?
The Dmin chord.
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
The last ten times I’ve been to a fancy dress party, I’ve gone as a shark.
The joke’s wearing fin.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
I'm a gymnast, so if you're down for some mattress yoga, count me in!