I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
Me and my ears hate badminton so much
It's making a racket.
What do you call a man with no legs and no arms resting on a porch?
Matt.
Ever wonder how gorillas can be so strong when they eat mostly a plant based diet?
Cuz they don't monkey around when it comes to strength training!
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
Brace yourselves kids!
Our dentist is shutting down.
When fishing, is there ever a good reason to take the worm off the hook?
I guess that’s debaitable.
I need a date; do you know where I could find one?
There once was a man from the Wold
Who loved drinking beer icy cold.
As he reached for his cup,
NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP!
Oooh, snap! You've been limerickrolled!
What do you call a fish with a tie?
Sofishticated!
"Little Boy Blue"
Little Boy Blue, please cover your nose.
You sneezed on Miss Muffet and ruined her clothes.
You sprayed Mother Hubbard, and now she is sick.
You put out the fire on Jack’s candlestick.
Your sneeze is the reason why Humpty fell down.
You drenched Yankee Doodle when he came to town.
The blind mice are angry! The sheep are upset!
From now on, use a tissue so no one gets wet!
– Darren Sardelli
Why did the shark cross the great barrier reef?
To get to the other tide.
What happened to the baby chicken that misbehaved at school?
It was egg-spelled.
What do people in New Mexico eat on thanksgiving?
an Albuturquey
A mycologist is the most ethical type of scientist. They follow morels closely.
Algorithm.
Word used by programmers when they don't want to explain what they did.
This is one spray-cation to remember.
Heaven called, they're missing an Angel.
It’s so hot granny broke wind just to have a little breeze.
“All of the animals except for man know that the principle business of life is to enjoy it.”
- Samuel Butler..
“If there is a WILL, there are 500 relatives.” – Anonymous
What do you call a frog hanging from the ceiling at Christmas?
Mistletoad.
Hey I hope you don’t mind me messaging you… something about you just seemed very Amy-cable
I once played chess with an Egyptian King...
...I was distracted for a moment, and when I turned around he was blatantly attempting to cheat. I told him that that wasn't very pharaoh.
What do you call a low-quality Russian composer, pianist, and conductor of the late Romantic period?
Knockmaninoff.
After playing guitar for years I thought I could learn to play the piano.
But it's not an easy instrument to pick up.
The baby beaver sang a song about the river in a video for his friends. He had a good flow.
If you were a burger at McDonald's, you'd be named McStunning.
What is at the end of a rainbow?
The letter W.
How does a koala get from one place to another? On a gondkoala.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
In on the ground flora.
Poured beer over my garden before planting the lawn. I hoped the grass would come up half cut.
What veggie should you avoid buying if your fridge is tiny?
Fungi. They take up too mushroom.
“A day without yoga is like a sundae without sprinkles” — Emma Mildon
What did the Turkey wear on Halloween?
He was a goblin.
When you cross summer sun with summer pun you get summer fun.
When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party.
That's when I realized that he was her favorite twin.
Were you born on the Bluenose? Because baby, you're a dime.
“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”
- Phyllis Diller.
I went to the backyard this morning and saw a bird of prey drinking a pumpkin spice latte.
It was a millennial falcon.
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
Many years ago, my grandfather used to cut the grass- but, he's been gone for a lawn time.
What do you call a bodybuilder skeleton?
A musculoskeleton.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
Do you know why a pineapple can be a good observer? Because it has a lot of eyes around its body.
Why did the volleyball players like to practice in the library? Their coach said that they’d be doing some reading today.
Busy buzzing bumble bees.
What did the prehistoric Greeks call their goddess of love?
Troglodite.
Love me till ice cream.