I know a fun activity that can burn 500 calories an hour...
What side of the tree contains the most leaves? The outside, of course.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
Your name must be Autumn because I am falling for you.
Woah! You look like I need a drink.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
Whats green and can jump a mile a minute?
A frog with hiccups.
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What did the shark say to the whale?
What are you blubbering about?
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Gnome.
Gnome who?
Gnome sweet gnome.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Nose.
Nose who?
I nose plenty more knock-knock jokes!
What do you call a chicken crossing the road?
Poultry in motion.
We make a great pear
What sort of ball doesn’t bounce?
A snowball!
Why can't the Christmas tree stand up? It doesn't have legs.
"You have no reason to fear zombies, do you?"
Anonymous
Have you heard about the movie that involved haunted dairy items? I believe it is called Paranormal Activia.
“Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.”
Doug Larson
I love my bed, but I'd rather be in yours.
Knock, knock. Who’s there? Olive.
Olive, who?
Olive you, and I don’t care who knows it!
I love you with all my butt.
I would say my heart, but it is just not as big. (wink wink where my curvy booties at?!)
It’s so cold I walk to school with a toaster in my pants.
What type of blood does a keyboard have?
Typo.
One should never mix oranges in apple juice. Well, perhaps you may do it once in a blue moon.
My computer wants to build a snowman.
It's frozen.
In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls, but the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.
My dog is very poor.
He can’t afford a “woof” over his head.
“You know you’re a gardener when you’re happy to devote three months of your life growing tomatoes to save $1.27.”
— Anonymous
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream”
– Bill Murray
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
- Chuck Nevitt
Why did the dunce get hurt after raking leaves? He fell out of the tree.
Funny facts about Google users:
50% of people use Google well as a search engine.
The rest 50% of them use it to check if their internet is connected
No costume? Oh you lucky girl, you don’t need Halloween. You look like an angel every day.
What three candies can you find in every school? Nerds, DumDums, and smarties.
Beavers are the best at getting things done on riverbanks. They have their own waves of working.
"I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining."
Can I call you pia mater? Cause you’re always on my mind.
Wanna meet up tonight? I hope you Leonard-on’t say no
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
What did the Mama Steam Engine say to her Baby Steam Engine at supper time? “Choo choo!”
You can tickle my ivories anytime, baby.
The feeling you get when you think you have heard these cow puns before is known as deja-mooo.
Is it true that a dinosaur won't attack if you hold a tree branch? That depends on how fast you carry it!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars ? Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard.
When medieval armies went off to war...
were they playing for keeps?
What did the turkey say to the man who tried to shoot it? Liberty, Equality and Bad aim for all.
Why did the blonde give up online shopping?
The trolley kept falling off the computer.